Category: My stories

Call it what you will:
Three-Card Monte
The Shell Game
Cups And Balls
It’s a magic trick, slight-of-hand, and a con game.
Make people think they have the advantage when they don’t.
Open a fake telegraph office, and take people’s money to tap a telegraph key that wasn’t connected to anything.
Open a fake Army induction office, and while the doctor checked out the men, the nurse stole their wallets.
So, you challenge him to a duel, and he lets you choose a pistol from his set.
And he hands you a bullet.
That turns out to be a blank.

Down in the dungeon.
That’s where Caroline goes every Friday.
Her hands, bound to the tile walls.
Her ankles, shackled to the floor.
A ballgag in her mouth.
Hot candle wax on her skin.
And a rubber plug in her ass.
No tears. No whimpers.
Sometimes, they whip her.
Other times, they spray her with the fire hose.
Then there’s the times they make microwave popcorn where she can hear it and smell it and can’t do anything about it.
And then they whip her some more.
When it’s all over, they give her the bill.
That’s when she screams.

Down in the dungeon.
That’s where Caroline goes every Friday to play.
Binding the customer’s hands to the tile on the walls.
Shackling her ankles to the floor.
Popping a ballgag into her mouth.
Dripping a candle on to her skin.
Stuffing a rubber plug in her ass.
She listens… no crying, no whimpering.
So, she whips the girl.
Sprays her with the fire hose.
Nothing.
She takes a break, and makes microwave popcorn. Lets the girl smell it, and gives her nothing.
Finally, she tallies up the evening’s bill, and shows it to the girl.
That’s when she screams.

The Dalai Lama went to the United Nations, and he made a plea for his homeland.
He was treated well, but China never let up its stranglehold, and nobody did anything to stop them.
So, he sent Buddhist monks to make sand mandalas in cities around the world.
A few aficionados enjoyed the process, but most people saw them on the evening news or the web, and then forgot about it.
The monks swept away their mandalas, and spread the hidden neurotoxins into the air.
“Choke on it, world,” mumbled the Dalai Lama, putting on a gas mask and laughing.

At the protest, Cindy threw a rock at a cop.
It bounced off of his riot shield and came back at Cindy.
It struck her in the forehead, knocking her out cold.
Cindy woke up in an ambulance, handcuffed to the stretcher.
“It’s going to be a while,” said the paramedic standing over her. “Your friends have all of the roads blocked.”
That’s when the ambulance started to rock back and forth.
“Shit!” said the driver. “Get out!”
He bolted from his door, while the paramedic escaped from the back.
Cindy screamed as the stretcher tipped over, breaking her neck.

Word came to Prague that Emperor Rudolf was about to order a massacre.
So Rabbi Loew dredged clay from the river and constructed a golem.
Placing the shem in its mouth, “Protect us, Yosef,” ordered the holy man.
And the monster did, smiting and repelling hundreds of soldiers.
Word came to Prague that Emperor Rudolf had made a wife for the golem.
Even if it was just a beautiful statue, that didn’t matter to the monster.
It went mad with desire, smiting hundreds more.
Rabbi Loew somehow managed to remove the shem.
And he waited for the soldiers to come.

In the 2000 election, Bush won the presidency, despite losing the popular vote.
Protestors demonstrated, rioted, and whined that he was “Selected Not Elected.”
They threatened and begged the Electoral College to change the results.
Academics and journalists kept up that slogan for years.
Then, in 2016, Trump won the presidency, despite losing the popular vote.
More protests, more riots, and more whining.
More threats and begging, too.
If the country wants to change to a direct popular vote, let it ratify a Constitutional Amendment to abolish the Electoral College.
Or will we suffer another sixteen years of your bullshit?

After the elephants went extinct, people started seeing the ghosts of elephants everywhere.
In the empty enclosures at the zoo…
In the middle of traffic…
In elevators…
In restaurants…
They weren’t mass delusions, because everybody saw them.
When an elephant ghost appeared on television, everybody saw it.
The elephants just stood there, minding their own business.
They’d fan their ears, dip their trunks, turn their heads to one side or the other.
And then slowly vanish again.
Scientists have frozen elephant sperm, eggs, and embryos.
But they’re not sure how to gestate them into elephants.
Until then, the ghosts appear.

After Trump won the election, a lot of people didn’t feel safe.
Gays. Blacks. Illegal immigrants. Muslims.
So, someone suggested that people wear safety pins to show that they’re safe.
Never mind that they’re kinda hard to see from a distance.
And anyone can put on a safety pin, even if they’re not safe.
What if you see a safety pin on a Klan robe?
Or on the beret of a New Black Panther?
Me, I’ll look for a policeman’s badge.
And if I’m doing something that makes me fear the police, I deserve whatever I have coming to me.

Every summer at the beach, Dad and I would assemble a box kite, and fly it over the dunes.
Just as his dad did with him.
And I do with my kids.
And my kids will do with theirs.
When the kite is too worn or damaged to fly, a new one is assembled.
When the father is too worn or damaged, the staff try to repair him, blowing sand from his gears.
And if they can’t, a new one is assembled.
Same with the kids.
The tourists take photos with their smartphones.
And buy box kites, and fly them.