Category: My stories

People say she’s really Hell on Wheels, but she’s more like Hell on Furniture Casters, sliding around the dining room floor and scuffing up the hardwood.
If Hell has frozen over, you could say someone was Hell on Ice Skates, or maybe if it’s snowed there, you could try for Hell on Skis or Hell on a Sled.
A flooded Hell could be Hell on Waterskis. Or Hell on Pontoons.
Maybe a Hell on a Raft.
But one day, maybe Hell on a Hoverboard will be possible.
And it’s not like anyone would care if it catches on fire, right?

They call themselves Black Lives Matter.
And demand that nobody say All Lives Matter.
They say that’s racist.
Even though only saying Black Lives Matter is the racist statement.
Because it focuses on a single race.
They say you should assume it really means Black Lives Matter Too.
Or Black Lives Also Matter.
But if that’s the case, why don’t they add those words?
Once again, they say that’s racist.
Just as they say it’s dangerous to put deadly force in the hands of police,
I think it’s dangerous to put deadly accusations in the hands of activists like these.

The Declaration of Independence states that all men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights.
The problem with this arrangement is when you realize there’s no Creator, and your rights become moot.
Or, if you allow for the existence of a Creator, there’s no mechanism in place by which these rights are guaranteed.
So many claim agency on behalf of the Creator, but if the Creator can create people, the Creator can create a means of testing an agent’s legitimacy, right?
Further proof that there is no Hell below us, just the one we make for ourselves here.

After Aladdin let the Genie free, the Genie waved goodbye and explored the world.
But he was a creature of habits, and instead of sleeping in a bed, he preferred to sleep in oil lamps.
Every now and then, someone would rub the oil lamp and wake up the Genie.
“What the shit, man?” the Genie would say. “I was trying to sleep.”
“So, where are my three wishes?” the person would ask.
Instead of offering three wishes, the Genie would beat the shit out of that person, or kick them to the moon, and then go back to sleep.

Marylin climbed into the rocket’s capsule, strapped herself in, and closed the hatch.
She looked over the console to check the readings.
Everything was perfect.
She started the automated launch and flight sequence.
As the system counted down to zero, she wondered if she was making the right choice.
Life on the orbital satellites was comfortable and simple, and people lived peacefully there.
Would she, a misfit with a red-tagged file, fit in there?
The countdown reached zero, and the rocket lifted from the pad.
Through the window, Marilyn watched as the launch center receded… and Earth slowly grew larger.

Bob said he’d make an honest woman out of Sally.
So, he and his CIA buddies grabbed her off the street, stuffed her in a white van, and drove her to an interrogation center.
Her answers were vague, and the high-speed camera caught microexpressions in her forehead that suggested she wasn’t telling the truth.
Polygraphs are stress-dectectors, not truth-detectors, but the interrogator used it to catch Sally off of her guard.
Another session on sodium pentathol confirmed the results.
“She’s no good for you, Bob,” said the interrogator.
Bob called off the wedding, and dumped Sally’s body in the bay.

Bob Ross
Wasn’t a great artist
But he liked to teach art
So others
Who could potentially be great artists
Would be inspired
To practice, and make art.
And Bob
With his brushes
And paint
And canvas
Making happy little trees
And happy puffy clouds
Would wait for the director to shout CUT!
So he could go back home
And sit in the dark
With a bottle in his hand
And a loaded gun in his mouth
Maybe tonight
He’ll paint the walls
With his brains
His huge afro
Falling against the blood
To make one last happy puffy cloud.

Bill and Benny are art thieves.
They steal art.
But not the art that other art thieves steal.
Like paintings or statues.
These guys steal ballets.
How do you steal a ballet?
I don’t know, but they do.
And there’s nothing more boring than a bunch of anorexic chicks in tights, tutus, and slippers just standing around.
Waiting for the police to find their production of Swan Lake.
Bill and Benny are smart.
They don’t use Craigslist or fences to get cash for the ballet.
They also respect the art of dance.
Just pay the ransom, and nobody gets hurt.

It’s been years since anybody’s seen a tuba.
Sure, we’ve seen oboes and sousaphones and clarinets, but a tuba?
No. No tubas.
One day, there were tubas everywhere. As far as the eye could see.
But now? Not a tuba to be found.
Look in all the music stores. Look on eBay. Look on Craigslist.
No tubas at all.
Look in the dictionary. Tuba isn’t there.
it’s not on Wikipedia either.
Google it, and nothing comes up.
It’s like China and the Massacre at Tiennamen Square.
Except with tubas.
What did we do wrong?
And how do we fix this?

My brother went off to college in Boston.
Every few months, he’d come home.
And he’d go shopping with my parents to buy up the things he’d need.
“It’s cheaper here than in Boston,” he’d say.
And it was. Boston, being a big city, had high prices.
While Columbus prices weren’t so high.
Also, the sales tax in Massachusetts was much higher than in Ohio.
So, yeah, things were much cheaper here than in Boston.
Never mind the fact that he’d get my parents to buy all those things here, as opposed to having to buy them himself in Boston.