Category: My stories

Back in grade school, there was a contest to see which class could collect the most Campbell’s soup can labels.
My brother took the labels from all of the cans we had.
Mom got mad because she didn’t know what was in each can.
My brother blamed me, and despite my denials, I got spanked.
In the meantime, I ripped off a few dozen labels every time we went to the grocery store.
On the last day of the contest, I turned in my stack.
My class won.
“See, he lied!” said my brother.
And I got spanked again.
Asshole.

The Vorcent arrived in our solar system centuries ago.
They’ve been quietly mining the asteroid belt for construction material and fuel.
Only now, we’ve been able to detect them.
And, I suppose, launch rockets that might pose a threat to them.
So, they sent a delegation, introduced themselves, and offered to help us in exchange for mining rights.
We signed on the dotted line.
Soon after, a Vorcent Planetbuster shattered the moon, and harvester units collected up the useful minerals.
“Should have read the fine print,” said the Chief Negotiator, as another Planetbuster turned towards Earth. “Nothing personal, mind you.”

Because of the weaker gravity, it’s easier to run a marathon on the moon or Mars.
However, neither colony has a single corridor or tunnel that allows for proper marathons.
Running a marathon on a treadmill isn’t Kosher.
And you don’t want to run that distance outside.
So, instead, both facilities have circular corridor arrangements that can be used as running tracks.
There’s no Heartbreak Hill or Broadway on Lunar Loop or Mars Station Perimeter. It’s all flat. And you pass the same offices and living quarters multiple times.
Just make sure that some prankster hasn’t shut a blast door.

Ted’s father needed a pill to get an erection.
The erection that got Ted’s mother pregnant.
And resulted in Ted.
Doctors prescribed pills for Ted’s attention deficit disorder.
And more pills for the resulting stomachaches.
He needed pills for allergies.
And more pills for the side-effects from those pills.
When he broke out with acne, there was a cream for that.
But it was greasy, so he took even more pills.
He needed pills for anxiety.
And pills for a football injury.
Ted had nightmares, and committed suicide.
His body was cremated, put into pills, and given to his friends.

The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed, but he couldn’t blow down the house made of bricks.
So, he tried to sneak in through the chimney.
The pigs placed a pot of boiling water in the fireplace, and the wolf fell into it, and he died.
The Council Of American Islamic Relations accused the pigs of murder and Islamophobia.
“Brother Mohammed was a devout Muslim, and pork is forbidden. These filthy Jewish swine are liars.”
The New York Times condemned the pigs. Then, Fox News showed security video backing up the pigs’ story.
(But you know how Fox lies, right?)

The doctors all wear white coats.
And white pants. And white shoes.
And white top hats.
They carry white gloves and canes.
And they dance down the halls of the hospital ward.
The nurses dance with them, as they go from patient to patient.
The white sheets. The white walls. The white floors.
Everything is white and fresh and clean.
What’s that? A spot of red?
Blood? BLOOD?
Call for the janitor! And his mops! And pails!
He is not wearing white!
Look away! Look away!
Scrub away the red!
It’s gone?
All is white again… and the dance begins!

Pastor Pete says that if you lose your mittens, you should check the Lost and Found.
What about my virginity? one girl asks Pastor Pete.
If I lose an argument, will it be there? asks a boy.
The whole class got in on the act, and Pastor Pete told everyone to shut up.
“This isn’t philosophy class,” he said. “This is just announcements.”
One day, the Lost and Found vanished.
Nobody knew where it was.
“Is the Lost and Found lost?” I asked. “Is it in the Lost and Found?”
“Yes,” he said, dimming the lights. “Along with your virginity.”

At work, the bathrooms have sensors on the faucets. All you have to do is hold your hands in the sink, and the water flows.
Take your hands out, and the water stops.
I know I’m tired when I hold my hands under the faucet at home, and I wait for water to come out.
“Oh,” I say to myself. “I’m at home.”
I can’t be senile. I’m too young for that. Maybe I’m just tired or something.
Still, there was that time I went to work in my pajamas.
“Pajamas are casual, right?” I said.
I hope it’s Friday.

First, scientists sequenced viral RNA. Then, bacterial DNA.
They worked their way up the evolutionary ladder.
The Human Genome Project sequenced all of the DNA in a human cell’s nucleus.
Decoding the sequence into genes, traits, and mutations was the hard part.
But, with research and testing, scientists found genetic markers and mechanisms for hundreds and thousands of diseases, like cancer and Parkinson’s.
In some cases, they found cures. In others, unexploited vulnerabilities.
Around the clock, armed guards surround a secret vault that contains… the cure to the ultimate biological weapon.
And if the ransom is paid, we’ll share it.