Category: My stories

Many years ago, herds of wild trains thundered across the rails.
Hunted for spare parts.
Hunted for breeding-stock to make the model trains for enthusiasts’ basements.
Hunted for sport.
And the modern freight trains fill the rail schedules.
So few trains out in the wild anymore.
Sometimes, you hear about an old coal-fired boiler exploding.
Or an early diesel derailing.
The collisions are the worst, when a hungry wild train comes into the city and hits an Amtrak express.
We try to capture them for transportation and children’s museums.
How can you have wild trains when no wild remains?

Don’t get me wrong… Superband is one of the greatest bands of all time.
And each of their members has stood out during their solo careers.
But year after year, fans began to notice that Superband’s performances at The Grammy’s were far better than their touring concerts.
Instead of doing their best for millions of paying fans across the world, concerts were just the annoying interruptions of their orgies, drinking binges, and drug overdoses.
Giving their all for a theater full of record producers, promoters, and fellow musicians that had to be bribed into coming with expensive gift bags.

The origin of the name Lazy Susan has been lost to history, but we can offer an educated guess that it may come from a hostess too lazy to pass the salt, pepper, and other condiments to her dinner guests.

Some say that the Susan is, in fact, Susan Sarandon, who as a struggling actress worked as a nude waitress at an exotic restaurant. She was too lazy to carry dishes, so chefs would smear her body with food, and she’d roll around on the table, offering each guest a lick.

Hose her off, and send out the next course!

Back in high school, rumor had it that Jenny and Fred would go under the bleachers and bump uglies.
But rumors are rumors, and I knew this was total bunk.
I’d eaten out Jenny a few times, and she had the prettiest pussy I’d ever seen.
I’d blown Fred a few times, too, and his penis was a beautiful sight.
And both kept their bushes immaculately trimmed. Not a hair out of place.
Never managed to score a threesome. Two’s company, and three’s a crowd, after all.
That didn’t stop me from giving them each an A in my class.

McDonalds used to only serve breakfast until five minutes before you got there.
Now, they serve breakfast all day long.
But not the entire menu. Most locations don’t have enough grill space for it all.
So, one restaurant serves pancakes. The other makes hash browns.
The one that does Egg McMuffins does eggs and muffins, too.
You have to roam from store to store to get your entire order.
The entire nation, driving in their SUVs, like nomads and hunter-gatherers.
Searching for the ever-elusive hash browns and breakfast burritos.
Sit by the soda fountain, wait with spears poised to strike!

Never get an apartment near the parking lot. You’ll hear car alarms go off all night.
Never get an apartment near the dumpsters. You’ll hear the clang of people throwing out garbage.
Never get an apartment near the laundry room. You’ll hear people kick the machines and yell.
Never get an apartment near the rental center. You’ll hear people beg for an extension on their rent.
Never get an apartment near the basketball court or pool. People party there all the time.
Never get an apartment. Just rent a house, if you can’t afford to buy one.
People suck.

My favorite restaurant
Had a salad bar
A great salad bar
But they had to get rid of it
Too many salads
Drinking themselves under the table
That’s what an endless salad bar is
After all
Salads drinking
And getting drunk
Drunk salads
Driving home
Getting into wrecks
Widowed salads
Left to raise their baby lettuce
Without their breadstick winners
Suing the restaurant
It’s not their fault
Fucking lawyers
Ruining everything
Then they come here
To this restaurant
Order a salad
And bitch that the salad bar is gone
They should drink
And drive
And wreck
And die
Fucking lawyers

Curious George isn’t the first monkey owned by The Man In The Yellow Hat.
Bobo liked to chew on electrical cords.
Poppy got into the medicine cabinet.
Cheetah attacked a policeman during a walk in the park.
Tipsy was really nice, but suffered from a rare genetic disorder that caused him all kinds of chronic problems as he got older.
The Man In The Yellow Hat backed over Tipsy with his car.
He says it was an accident, and he loved Tipsy, but chimpanzee medical bills can cost a fortune.
So, be curious, Curious George, but don’t be a dick.

The Eighty-Five Chicago Bears.
Greatest team ever.
Heroes forever.
But bodies, broken by battle, don’t last.
Their commanders fall to dust.
One day.
Mike Ditka will die.
And when he gets to Heaven.
To face his maker.
God will stuff him into a football.
And hand him to Walter Payton.
Who will run the ball in for a touchdown.
On every play.
In the Super Bowl.
Every Super Bowl.
Past, present, and future.
Call his number.
Put four men on him.
Five. Six.
All eleven men.
Every man you can throw at him.
Touchdown. Touchdown.
Payton scores his touchdown.

The cubit is the distance from the bottom of the elbow to the tip of the middle finger.
This was an ancient Egyptian unit of measurement, along with the finger, foot, fist, and spam.
But surveyors had different body measurements, so measurement was a somewhat inaccurate science.
Standardization came when the pharaoh insisted that the measurements be based off of his body measurements.
However, it wasn’t easy getting time with the pharaoh to measure land or cloth.
And he tended to execute surveyors who dragged him around in the mud.
So, they found a similarly-built surveyor, and dragged him around.