Johnny bought a model rocket kit.
But his mother wouldn’t let him buy any of the model rocket engines.
“They’re dangerous,” she said. “You’ll burn the damn house down.”
So, Johnny came up with another way to launch his rockets.
He wove together a gigantic elastic catapult that he made out of smaller rubber bands and springs.
Then, he cranked it tight, shouted “FIRE!”, and kicked the trigger.
The catapult launched the rocket high into the air, striking a helicopter pilot in the head.
The helicopter spun and fell into the neighbor’s house.
After that, he took up model trains.
Category: My stories
A slugger born every minute
Baseball’s never been pure.
Owners worked together to screw the players.
Gamblers bought players to throw games.
And umpires to blow calls.
Cork a bat here, smear a little pine tar there. Scuff a baseball or two, and dab on some Vaseline.
Then came the performance-enhancing drugs.
Even the clean guys get a boot from blood doping.
It’s all about genetic engineering now. Athletic supermen.
For every slugger, there’s a thousand slugs.
Twisted, repulsive freaks. Monsters and drooling horrors, all of them.
Dump the survivors into the circuses.
As long as the crowds still pay to see them, I guess.
Hansel and Gretel
Hansel and Gretel shoved the witch into the oven and laughed.
Until they saw her skin melt, her eyes pop… and the screaming.
Oh God, the screaming!
It traumatized the kids for life.
They sit in their beds at the hospital, staring into the distance.
Never talking, never crying.
We ran feeding tubes into their stomachs.
And nurses change their diapers once a day.
You can do pretty much anything, and they’d just sit there, staring.
I realize that’s somewhat distracting.
So, we use burlap sacks to put over their heads.
I know that’s creepy, but those stares are creepier.
Spilled Chemistry
Sure, there’s no crying over spilled milk.
But I’m more concerned about crying over spilled Plutonium.
That’s assuming that your eyes haven’t already bled out of their sockets, or you aren’t dead from the radiation sickness.
I’d suggest not crying over spilled Sulfuric or Hydrofluoric acid, either.
You’ll choke on the fumes and die, or your skin will begin to peel off in sheets.
Crying over pure Sodium will cause it to spark and flash, if it isn’t already catching fire.
So, if you’re going to cry, do me a favor and get the fuck out of my Chemistry lab.
Gambling Problem
Dan had a streak of bad luck at the underground casino.
Eighty thousand dollars in the hole.
He threatened to tell the cops about the underground casino.
The owner put Dan in the hospital.
By the time Dan came to, the casino had already packed up and vanished.
The cops found an empty warehouse.
Owned by nobody. No record at all.
When Dan finally got released, his house was on fire.
His car smashed up. Everything was gone.
He’d been gone so long, his job had let him go.
You can find him under the freeway, throwing dice and laughing.
Add vs Create
I got into a discussion over the use of the words “add” and “create” at work.
You know, because when you add something, you’re adding it to something else.
And when you create something, you’re making something completely new.
I used Frankenstein and his monster as an example.
“Frankenstein created his monster,” I said. “He didn’t add his monster.”
Of course, then Frankenstein told Igor to throw the switch, he didn’t mean for Igor to literally throw the switch.
He meant for Igor to close the electrical circuit.
To add the power of electricity, and bring his creation to life.
Stormvale
It’s strange, living in the shadow of Castle Stormvale.
Especially because The Silver Horde destroyed Castle Stormvale a decade ago.
The castle may be gone, but the shadow is still there.
Makes it hard to raise crops, but we manage.
When we saw the castle come down, we thought “Oh, maybe more light will get through.”
And then The Silver Horde pillaged all the nearby farms.
Somehow, we managed to clean up and replant.
Even used a few stones from the castle’s ruins to build walls for a nice sheep pen.
The shade is kinda nice in the summer, really.
The Bridge of Frankenstein
The townspeople were outraged by the local mad scientist’s latest abomination.
“How dare he do this?”
“Has the man no shame?”
They gathered their torches and pitchforks, and they marched to Castle Von Frankenstein in an angry mob.
As they crossed the moat to the front gate, a few stopped and looked at the drawbridge they were walking across.
Then, they pounded on the gates, demanding entry.
Eventually, they talked to Dr. Frankenstein, and they realized it was all a simple, honest mistake.
“I’m constructing a bride to marry,” he said. “Not a bridge.”
Satisfied, the townspeople went back home.
The lovely audience
The Beatles start Sergeant Pepper with: “You’re such a lovely audience, we’d like to take you home with us!”
And, on occasion, they did. They took the lovely audience home with them.
Some audiences, they let romp in the yard and play in the sun.
Other audiences, they threw into the basement and forced to make shoes for sale at Selfridge’s Department Store.
The worst audiences were fed to Yoko.
The diminutive performance artist would tear her victims limb from limb, drinking their blood and swallowing their ropy intestines.
Then she’d sing, and the few mangled survivors envied the dead.
Melvin’s door
When Melvin went Trick or Treating, he’d come up with the most surreal costumes.
One year, he walked around behind a lightweight carbon-fiber front door, and at every home he’d visit, he’d make them ring his doorbell to get candy.
Once he ran out of candy, he’d turn off the battery-powered porch light and hide behind the door to pretend that nobody was home.
Bullies tried to egg his front door and smash his pumpkins, but Melvin turned the water hose on them.
After Halloween, Melvin would harass Jehovah’s Witnesses, going door-to-door with his door, slamming it in their faces.