Category: My stories

Some of our cats have been big, while others were small.
We’ve had red ones, orange ones, black ones, stripey ones, silly calicos, and other crazy coat colors.
They eat. They sleep. They poop. They barf.
We get them collars so that people know that someone loves them very much.
“This one is mine,” we are saying. “That one is mine too.”
I keep spare collars handy, in case they lose their collars.
There must be a pile of collars somewhere out there.
Just like the pile of collars here, the ones we took off, and don’t give out again.

Me and this tree have had a long life together.
I was born under this tree.
I did all my homework under the branches.
Learned archery by firing arrows at this tree.
How to make a fire, from the branches.
Proposed to the woman who became my wife under it.
Married her here, obviously.
And hung her from that branch over there.
Buried her on the other side.
I hid in the branches while the police looked for me.
I refused to come down, so they set fire to my tree.
The flames are spreading quickly.
Everything smells like smoke.

I like to watch the “How Stuff Gets Made” show.
But I watch it on Youtube, not television. I don’t like to be told when to watch things, and I like to watch a lot of them in a row.
Most industrial production of the stuff we use is done by robots and gigantic mixers, with as little human intervention as possible.
Watching these videos, I wondered what would happen when the human component of the production process were replaced by robots.
Then, I had an epiphany… what if these videos were produced by robots?
And, ultimately, viewed by them.

Tinny the cat loves hugs.
Most mornings, she jumps up on the sofa, walks to my chest, turns around, and lays down on my collarbone for a nap.
However, she likes to do this a few minutes before I need to shower for work.
So, sometimes I’m a little late getting to the shower, need to dress quickly, and end up a few minutes late to work.
That’s okay, because I can stay a little later at work to make up for it.
Which means I’m a few minutes late coming home.
Which is when Myst likes to lay on me.

Joe recently upgraded his iPhone to the latest software, and it now says that he has 25 gigabytes of Other.
What’s Other? he thought
He looked this Other up on Apple’s support site, and they wanted him to completely reinstall his phone from a backup, and that’s a pain in the ass.
“Fine,” he said, plugging in the phone and telling iTunes to sync up.
The sync began, and his headphones began to tingle.
When the sync was over, Bob looked at the screen.
“25 gigabytes of Other? Again? Damn this stupid thing!”
He exchanged his iPhone for a Droid.

Back in the Seventies, CBS was looking for a guy to add to their NFL Today show.
So, they rounded up a bunch of guys named Jimmy and had them try out.
Nobody could understand Jimmy The French.
Jimmy The Italian waved his hands too much.
Jimmy The Spanish and Jimmy The Mexican were always on siesta.
And they already had Irv Cross, so they didn’t need a token Jimmy The Black.
Jimmy The Russian? Jimmy The German? Jimmy The Chink? No.
In the end, they went with Jimmy The Greek, who had bet on himself and made a fortune.

Bill Gates said that he prefers to hire lazy people because they use the simplest solution to get the job done.
I think he’s lying. Because lazy people don’t just try to come up with the simplest solution, but they also cut corners in their work, and they don’t check their work.
I know this, because I am a lazy person. I cut corners, and I don’t check my work.
Plus, I’m often late, because I dilly-dally and dawdle. Oh, and I goof off.
I’d research this Bill Gates thing more, but I really don’t give a fuck about it.

Everyone told Bob that with his good looks, he should go out to Hollywood.
So, he did.
But he didn’t act or sing.
Instead, he cleaned pools, mowed yards, and landscaped.
And he was really good at it.
Every famous person’s place you see, Bob’s company handles their yardwork and maintenance.
He gives his employees fair wages, decent benefits, and good healthcare.
Others try to undercut him with illegals, but they do cheap, sloppy work.
And the Immigration officers know that Bob does background checks, others don’t.
There are no awards or ceremonies for honest, hard work in Hollywood.
Pity.

Decades ago, the Va watched human starships as they slid down through the clouds and landed on their sacred lands.
Today, there is only one Va left, Baba Va, and it is dying.
For years, xenopologists transcribe endless stories of the Va, their proud history, the complex rituals.
Which are totally full of shit.
The Va were always a wretched culture, constantly fighting amongst themselves.
By the time the humans came, the Va were already in decline, starving and cannibalizing on this awful rocky planetoid.
We humor it’s exhausting nonsense, and look forward to its demise and the wonderful silence.