Category: My stories

Most people are familiar with Nike, the Greek Goddess of Victory, but few are familiar with her little brother, Converse, the Greek God of Expensive Shoes That Don’t Make You Any Faster, Stronger, Or Athletic.
And yet, so many still worship at his temples, and sacrifice large wads of cash in his name.
Oh, hear the ring of the cash register altars!
Oh, revel in the klaxon of the security alarm pillars, warning of another shoplifter!
Oh, pity the screaming child who wants Air Jordans, but has to settle for these canvas pieces of crap!
The minimum-wage mall priests sigh.

One evening, the gap between David Letterman’s teeth issued a challenge to the gap between Michael Strahan’s teeth.
The gap between Michael Strahan’s teeth accepted the challenge, and for the next week, the gaps grew as wide as they possibly could.
“Time’s up!” said the gap between David Letterman’s teeth, and they showed how Paul Schaeffer could fit between them.
The gap between Michael Strahan’s teeth were so wide that Kelly Ripa could pass between.
“Oh yeah?” said the gap between Madonna’s teeth. “Try this one!”
And they allowed a city bus to pass between them.
Paul and Kelly applauded.

While I waited for the Apple Store to swap the battery in my phone, I wandered around the Galleria.
Thirty-five minutes? Might as well get lunch, right?
The food court is full of disgusting fried food. And all of the sit-down restaurants had lines.
Except one: Kona Grill.
I really enjoyed the miso soup there. And the sesame salad wasn’t bad at all.
Two pieces of yellowtail sushi, fresh and perfectly cut.
Even the receipts were excellent.
No “Merchant Copy” or “Customer Copy.”
Instead, they said “Sign one, and keep the other.”
An elegant solution to end an excellent meal.

The new iPhones came out recently.
And it’s no coincidence that the battery on my current iPhone is dying, right?
I thought that it was the usual bullshit that Apple pulls when they release a new model and operating system.
They cause problems with their older models, whether its WiFi issues or battery charging problems.
But this time, they admitted they had a manufacturing defect with their older models, and offered to replace the battery for free.
So, instead of a new phone, I’m getting the old one repaired.
It’s served me well. And will, for another year or two.

Wishes take a lot of energy.
So, every time you wish upon a star, it explodes.
Why don’t you see the star explode?
Because stars are very far away. Hundreds, thousands, and tens of thousands of light years away.
The ones in other galaxies are millions of light-years away.
It takes more than a lifetime for the light from the explosion to travel that far.
But not hyperdrive-powered intergalactic missiles.
When Kobani-7 exploded, some of their race survived. And they know it was your wish that nearly wiped them all out.
I hope that new bike was worth it, Jimmy.

Every time we’d go to the Renaissance Festival, I buy sticks of incense.
I close my eyes and pull out sticks at random.
One of this, one of that.
I hand them to the storekeeper, and they ask me what kind I got.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I don’t care.”
I like to pick them out at random and light them.
I like to watch the wisp of smoke, and sense the aroma,
What is it? What will it be?
Half of the time, I have no idea what I’m burning.
But it’s nice, and I always like it.

A long time ago, bowl games were something special:
Rose Bowl, Sugar Bowl, Cotton Bowl, and Orange Bowl.
As the conferences grew, the runners-up got resentful of the bowl snubs.
So, more bowl games were added.
Television coverage brought sponsorships, which brought even more bowl games.
FedEx sponsors the Orange Bowl.
Chik-fil-A sponsors the Peach Bowl.
What the hell do they have to do with peaches?
Now, all it takes is a non-losing record and enough players to smile for the cameras.
Eveybody’s playing in bowl games.
At what point do they go back to class and actually learn something.

Principal Smith clicked the Creative Thinking alert.
Billy Jones. Chemistry Lab.
His Imagination rating was currently at Overactive, but it was rising.
The Teacher’s Union’s contact called for removal when an imagination reached Wild.
Smith turned on the cameras.
The students were testing boiling points of various liquids.
Imagination, around all those chemicals and fragile glass?
Best to deal with it now.
Smith pinged the teacher, who walked over to Billy and checked his work.
The alert went away as Billy stopped wondering about the experiment. Just follow the steps.
Imagination. Wonder.
Worse than drugs, getting pregnant, and independent thinking.

Mindy was a difficult child.
She always ordered expensive things on the menu instead of the cheeseburgers and chicken fingers on the kid’s menu.
Then, she’d take one bite and hate it, and refuse to eat more.
“If you order something,” said her mother. “You’re going to finish it.”
One time, she ordered scallops, thinking they were like scalloped potatoes.
“Blech!” she tried to say, but she ended up choking on the scallop.
Her dad had to give her the Heimlich Maneuver to dislodge the scallop.
It landed back on her plate.
Her mother growled.
Mindy asked for a cheeseburger.