Every Thursday afternoon, Congress empties out, and races to Reagan National for flights to their home districts.
Some would say this is to get the hell back home, but it’s really so that they can get back for an early start on weekend campaign fundraising.
I did a little fundraising of my own, too. On Kickstarter.
The project was to create medical nanobots, but there are so many other uses for these little buggers.
Project Term Limits: nanobots in the fuel supply for all these jet planes. To crash them.
When the last plane takes off, I send the signal.
Category: My stories
Unravel
Tina flew a lot, but she didn’t like to read books or watch movies or listen to music.
Instead, she liked to knit. And she was really good at it.
She knitted sweaters and socks. On really long flights, she’d knit a blanket. Or something even more complex.
After 9/11, knitting needles were banned on flights, and Tina couldn’t stand the boredom.
So, she knitted her own plane. And pilot.
She flew around the world in her knitted private plane, knitting without end.
Eventually, she knit her own little world.
She lived happily ever after… until her cat unraveled everything.
Shows Stopper
Other than baseball and a zombie show on Sundays, I rarely watch television. Instead, I listen to podcasts, and I hear things that spark my imagination.
My wife wanted to check out Netflix, so I signed us up.
That’s when I saw all the Dr. Who episodes. And Torchwood. And Blackadder. And Red Dwarf. And…
Well, my podcast queue it getting clogged up. And I don’t get inspired to write as many stories as I used to.
But you know what?
Screw it. They’ve got all of that Futurama show, too.
Good news, everyone… it’s time for some more television!
Camus and Sisyphus
Sisyphus groaned as he leaned into the boulder.
The stone bit into his scarred flesh, blood welling from ancient wounds.
Just when he thought he couldn’t push any more, the boulder finally began to move uphill.
Every inch of motion was agony to Sisyphus’s soul, but he could not stop.
The Gods had stripped him of reason and logic, leaving him with just compulsion and suffering.
When he got to the top, Albert Camus slapped him on the back.
“Well done!” he said, and he pushed the boulder back down the hill.
Sisyphus screamed and chased it.
Camus laughed, jealously.
Arm’s Length
Nancy didn’t like other people, so she kept everyone at arm’s length.
When she was a baby, her arms were stubby, so she couldn’t keep people from tickling her toes or getting in her face and babbling baby-talk at her.
As she grew, her arms grew too, and she could keep people a bit further away.
But still not far enough.
So, she had a series of surgeries to lengthen her arms.
Eventually, her arms were freakishly long enough to scare people away.
She enjoyed the peace… until she tried to brush her teeth and stabbed herself in the head.
Flexible Spending
My flexible spending plan won’t let me spend money on my pet’s flea medication.
So, I claimed that the flea medication was for me.
“I’m pretty hairy,” I said, showing off my hairy arms and back. “I get fleas.”
That wasn’t good enough.
So, I put on a dog suit and claimed that I was one of these cosplayer weirdos. And my costume was so good, fleas mistook me for a real dog.
I got a letter from the insurance company that denied my claim again.
That’s when I bit the mailman on the leg.
And got my claim approved.
Induct the cat
In the Toy Hall of Fame sits a blanket that was inducted. Into the Toy Hall of Fame. Yes, a blanket is a toy. I’ve put a blanket over myself and played with the cats that way. And we had fun.
There is a stick in the Toy Hall of Fame. I’ve played with the cats with a stick that had feathers on it. While under a blanket. We had fun.
There’s also a ball in the Hall of Fame, and the cats sometimes chase or play fetch with one.
I wonder when the Hall of Fame will induct the cat.
Laundry Baskets
Our apartment doesn’t have a washer and dryer. And there’s no wiring or hookups for them.
Instead, we have to use the laundry center.
We have a tall laundry hamper on wheels that we use to carry clothes to and from the laundry center.
Others have similar laundry hampers, baskets and bags. I saw a pair of blue Ikea bags there this weekend.
And then there’s the ones who just bundle up their clothes in a wad and carry them, leaving a trail from their front door to the laundry center.
As long as it’s to, and not from, right?
Happy as a clam
My friend Billy says he is as happy as a clam.
How happy are clams? And how can you tell?
The government offered millions of dollars in research grants to determine how happy clams are.
It’s part of a greater project to determine the overall happiness of coastal bivalves and mollusks, such as oysters and mussels.
Of course, the research is really just a cover for a bunch of grad students and professors holding clam bakes and oyster parties at the taxpayer’s expense.
Sure, they say the clams are happy, but I’m not happy about getting shucked for this shit.
Cheesy Maze
Most researchers put cheese in the middle of the maze for the mice to find. But Dr. Odd puts mice in the middle of the maze for cheese to avoid.
Because, you know, cheese doesn’t want to be eaten by mice.
The hardest part was keeping the mice in the middle of the maze.
Dead mice aren’t all that interesting or threatening to cheese. And there’s rules against cruelty to animals.
After years of experimentation, Dr. Odd developed a humane way to keep mice in the same spot.
Which isn’t interesting or useful at all.
Whatever. Care for some cheese?