When she threatened to walk out the door, I told her that she could never come back through it.
She walked out anyway. So, I programmed the front door to not let her in.
However, I forgot to program the back door.
“Nyah nyah!” she shouted from the kitchen.
I kicked her out and then programmed the back door to not let her in.
“Miss me?” she sung, crawling through an open window.
I pushed her back out, and locked the windows.
At the first rustle from the chimney, I heaped up logs and lit a match.
Burn, bitch! Burn!
Category: My stories
The Preacher
The imam wore a suit and an immaculately-sculpted beard, and he spoke perfect English as he answered the interviewer’s questions…
At first, he said that terrorism is not allowed under Islam.
But a minute later, he was saying that the captured men should be allowed Korans and have access to imams so as not to violate their right to practice Islam.
Point after point, he contradicted himself, smiling his “Fuck you, America” smile wider and wider.
“They are not terrorists.”
It was then that a robotic camera rammed into the imam, breaking his jaw.
“Software glitch,” said the camera operator.
Angels Union
The Angels Union Hall was filled to the rafters with angry Heavenly Hosts.
Despite famines, floods, and wars, the humans multiplied rapidly.
“And yet, God hasn’t created more of us to handle the workload,” growled Gabriel.
“Lucifer’s hiring devils and demons,” said Moroni. “Why can’t God hire more angels?”
“What about saints?” asked Michael. “They help, right?”
The boos shook the stained glass windows.
“Ass kisser!” shouted Gabriel.
Eventually, the angels voted to strike.
Some scabs continued to cross the lines. Moroni and Gabriel whispered into the ears of false prophets.
God didn’t give a shit. “Let ’em worship cats.”
The Gems
I found my master, Old Wizard Glitterbeard, on the floor of his library in a pool of blood, a bag of gems in his hand.
Once, he tried to tell me which color gem represented which spell…
Red is for fire.
Green is for power.
White is for the lightning.
Blue is for health.
Right! Blue for health.
I held a blue gem to his forehead and waited.
But the gem didn’t heal the wizard.
He was dead.
Oh great. He’s dead.
Now I’m out of a job.
At least I’ve got severance pay, I thought, and pocketed the gems.
Music on the brain
There’s physical differences in the brain between professional musicians and ordinary people.
Over time, portions of the corpus collosum and right hemisphere change.
So much so, neuroscientists can spot a professional musician by inspecting an image of their brain.
Which is very helpful as the regime tries to enforce the ban on unauthorized music production.
“Let me see your brains,” orders a state neuroscientist to a group of teenagers sitting in a garage.
The teenagers claimed to be playing a Rock Band video game with controllers that look like musical instruments, but you can never tell.
Hail to the state!
Work
A lot of young people dream of working their way to the top, but I know a guy who dreams of working his way to the bottom.
He starts as the CEO, then the board demotes him to VP, and he’s shuffled around a bit until he’s running a foreign office.
That doesn’t last long. He’s brought back to take care of a Marketing workgroup until they boot him to the mailroom.
It’s there he languishes until, right on the verge of retirement, he dies of a heart attack.
That’s when he wakes up screaming.
He’ll fire the mailroom staff.
I loved the princess…
I loved the princess, but she warned me about a curse some witch put on her.
“Anyone who falls in love with me will turn into a chicken,” she said.
“Bawk,” I said. Which, if you understand Chicken, means: “I’m already a chicken. What the fuck do I care?”
Sadly, she didn’t love me back. Unless you consider the being breaded, fried, and served with coleslaw and biscuits to someone who says “God, I love chicken!” kind of love.
I don’t.
But when the princess was breaded, fried, and served with coleslaw and biscuits…
God, how I loved the princess.
Factory Floor
Julio the janitor got hurt on the factory floor. It was the third injury since the new intelligent automation systems had been installed.
The union rep said that it was too dangerous for humans and robots to work in the same space.
The management reviewed the tapes, and it was obvious that Julio had been injured while trying to sabotage an automatic cleaning system.
“We agree,” said the management. And they fired all the workers, except for robot maintenance.
The union picketed the factory.
Robot maintenance assembled some robotic picketers to picket the picket lines.
The robots never stopped working.
Lose My Keys
I lose my keys a lot.
Enough that I had to buy a new lock for my front door that works with an app on my phone.
Except that there’s one thing I lose more often than my keys: my phone.
I had to go buy another lock which was voice-activated, but I caught a cold and lost my voice.
Fingerprint scanners are great, unless you burn your finger cooking dinner.
And retina scanners don’t work on the blind.
Still, that’s the route I took.
I just wish that my seeing eye dog Rufus would learn to use the scanner.
Ninja
Picture a ninja in your mind.
He’s wearing a black jumpsuit with a scarf for a mask and swords on his back, isn’t he?
Well, that’s wrong.
Ninja are supposed to be invisible, so they’re not going to wear something that identifies them as an assassin.
Instead, they’re going to wear ordinary clothes so they blend in with the scene.
A suit in a business setting… shorts and a t-shirt at a casual setting…
And, yes. A Mickey Mouse costume at Disneyland.
Or, so I thought.
But in my defense, it’s hard to read the intent of those freaky assholes.