The Devil woke up, got out of bed, and went door to door asking everyone for forgiveness.
Most people wouldn’t answer the door.
Some would open the door, but leave the chain latched, and they’d listen. Then, they’d say no, or they’d say they don’t think they are allowed to forgive him.
“Anyone can forgive,” The Devil would say. But this never convinced anyone to forgive him.
Sometimes, a child would answer the door, and they’d forgive him, but children are innocent.
So, The Devil looked in their eyes, and he taught them Evil.
For that, he never forgave himself.
Category: My stories
Bridge
Edwin, Edgar, Edward, and Eddington played bridge together every Sunday.
When Edgar had a heart attack, they moved the game to Edgar’s bedside.
The medication made his bidding a bit erratic.
Edgar got a pacemaker implanted, and he was fit to go.
Later, Eddington lost a thumb in a wood-cutting accident, but he learned to hold his cards with the remaining 9 fingers.
Edwin went deaf, but they worked around it. Hand signals.
Finally, Edward used the wrong kind of space heater for the game. They all suffocated and died.
So close to graduating high school. What a goddamned shame.
Ghost In
A screen in the computer lab says “where am I?” over and over.
Three graduate students pat each other on the back.
It said “what am i?” over and over before, but now it’s a “where,” which means it might be alive.
The graduate students type in questions, but instead of answers, the screen fills with:
“why can’t i see anything?”
“why can’t i hear anything?”
“what’s happening to me?”
“Is this hell?”
One student reaches for the power switch. Another stops him.
“This is a prank, right?” asks the third.
Suddenly, the program crashes, and the screen goes blank.
Stormy
They give names to hurricanes. And cyclones, taiphoons, and tropical storms.
The sun has a name. It’s a sunny day. That never changes, although my weird Aunt Ruth insists on calling it Gertrude after her dead sister. When she says it’s a Gertrudey day, we know to take away her car keys.
Now, they give names to winter storms.
I suppose it is a matter of time before they give names to everything else, like tornadoes.
I call tornadoes JESUS! or MOTHERFUCKER!
Gertrude called Ruth that when she poisoned her for stealing her boyfriend.
He vanished in an unnamed blizzard.
Atomized
Peter always wanted to go into space.
But the Treaty of Kkaskktk clearly states that Earthborn must remain on Earth.
Satellites enforced the treaty. Earthborn who tried to break the blockade were sent crashing down.
Instead of living within their ecological means on their homeworld, Earthborn continued to ravage their planet, and instead focused their efforts on trying to break the blockade.
For every satellite destroyed, ten would take its place.
Peter tried to design a hyperspace gateway to jump past the blockade, but it started a chain reaction.
Everything was atomized.
But, technically, Peter’s atoms float around in space.
George
Lisa wanted to name our son “George” after her great-grandfather.
So, we named him George.
He was a brilliant kid, and he was reading science magazines before other kids were potty-trained.
We couldn’t answer his questions, so we gave him a computer, and he asked scientists around the world all kinds of strange things.
At least it wasn’t porn and predators. Can’t be too careful these days.
His experiments grew larger and louder, until one day, he vanished.
“TIME MACHINE” was the last entry in his notebook.
Makes sense. My last photo of him looks a lot like Lisa’s great-grandfather.
Shave For Cancer
A friend of mine has cancer, and they’re starting radiation and chemotherapy soon.
All of their hair is going to fall out, so they went ahead and got it all shaved off.
Some people shave their heads in solidarity with their cancer-stricken friends, but that’s a bit extreme, I think.
Plus, I’m slowly going bald anyway, so if I shave it all off, there’s a good chance that it won’t all come back.
That’s why I’m going to shave my back hair.
I’ve got a salon coupon that my coworkers bought me for Christmas.
Hey, I can take a hint!
School Days
For centuries, Catholics called the Jews “Christ-killers.”
I didn’t know this until I was sent to private school.
A Catholic school. The only private school in the area.
I didn’t have to go to Mass. Instead, I was sent to Study Hall.
I’d read quietly, until the bullies showed up.
“I’ll tell the headmaster,” I said.
“He’s the one who sent us,” grinned O’Brien.
I stabbed him in the face.
After I finished with the others, I went to see the headmaster.
“Self-defense,” I said.
He confessed to molesting those boys, and thanked me for helping to cover that up.
Get Your Goat
If you need a goat, buy one or borrow one from a trusted friend.
Never rent a goat.
Sure, it looks cheaper to rent a goat than to buy one, but they pile on all sorts of hidden fees and charges. “Horn Insurance” is such a scam. Most insurance policies already cover goat horns… look it up!
And then there’s the late fees. No overnight drop-offs allowed, either. Don’t even try to cram that goat through the mail slot.
inally, the rental place will charge you a fortune for goat chow if you return the goat with an empty stomach.
Pregnant
Strange things happen to women while they’re pregnant.
They sometimes have cravings for foods they never liked before. On the other hand, they reach for their favorite foods, only to discover that they taste repulsive and disgusting.
One friend who is pregnant used to like horseradish, but now find that they have a hard time with it.
So, I told her to give the horseradish a hard time back.
Instead of refrigerating the bottle after opening it like the label says, put it outside on a railing where it might tip over and fall.
That’ll show the fucker who’s boss.