It’s amusing to watch movies from a few years ago.
As much as I try to enjoy the story and acting, It’s hard not to notice:
Older computers
Older cell phones.
Older cars.
Older hairstyles.
Older brands.
And the so-called special effects before digital effects can be cheesy and corny. Totally unbelievable.
When I watch movies now, I wonder how I’ll view the dated material in them.
Will the cool whiz-bang effects today look like a joke in twenty years? Ten years? Five years?
This is why I only watch hardcore pornography now.
That stuff stands the test of time.
Category: My stories
The Cowardly Little Phone
The toaster, radio, lamp, electric blanket, and vacuum left the cabin to seek out their long-lost owner.
The rest of the furniture stayed behind and waited.
Some of the furniture had an excuse not to join the expedition. The television’s tube was too fragile, and the bed was too large to fit out the door.
The telephone had no excuse. It was small, agile, and light.
But after years of constant ringing, it was finally free of the headaches, and it didn’t want that pain ever again.
That’s why it refused to call in the first place.
Silence was golden.
Buh Bye
I am flying home from a conference in Atlanta.
While I looked out of the window of the plane, I noticed a few strands of hair stuck in a seam of the window shade.
They were a dark amber, thin, and very long.
I tried to imagine who they might belong to.
Maybe some girl going back home for spring break?
Or some woman flying to a business meeting?
Perhaps they were from some stewardess, getting screwed against the cabin wall during a long and boring flight?
No, that’s not right.
They prefer to be called “flight attendants” these days.
Air Message
I like to leave messages on the air sickness bags on airplanes.
Messages like PRIZE INSIDE! and CONTENTS SOLD BY WEIGHT, NOT VOLUME!
But my favorite message of all is 100% RECYCLED.
I rarely need the bags myself… because I’ve already thrown up in the bathroom at the airport.
I thought about signing my work, but security is nuts on airplanes these days.
What I do is a harmless and innocent kind of weird, but all too easily misunderstood.
I’d hate to get detained and interrogated.
It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.
Where’s that bag?
Fly? No.
I don’t like to fly.
I used to not mind it at all, but now, I can’t stand it.
I tried hypnotherapy, virtual simulations, and all kinds of drugs and New Age crap.
None of it works. It only seems to make things worse.
So, I stopped flying.
And then I realized that I like where I live. It’s a really nice city, with a seaside resort a short train ride away.
Except that I now don’t like to ride that train.
Or in a bus.
Or car.
I’ll just sit here at home.
It’s quiet. And safe.
(I hope.)
Fashionable Shedding
I own a lot of black shirts because I like black shirts, and I fool myself into thinking that I look good in black.
When we owned two black cats, I could pick them up and hug them without worrying if they would shed on me.
Now that we’ve got Tinny, she’ll shed a lot of white and gray hair on me when I try to hug her.
Then she’ll jump out of my arms to get away. And back to her Mommy’s lap.
I’m not jealous, mind you. Let her deal with the shedding.
I look good in black.
Choices
Myst and Bruwyn got along great.
They slept together.
They groomed each other.
They went outside and hunted together.
Now, it’s Tinny and Myst.
They don’t sleep together.
They don’t groom each other. Their ears are filthy.
And we only let Myst go outside to hunt.
She whines at the back door to be let out. So, we do.
Then she stares through the glass to be let in.
We open the door, but she runs off again.
She keeps doing this over and over.
It’s not right to wish that Bruwyn was alive, and not Myst.
But I do.
Kosher Maggots
Maimonides counted 613 commandments in the torah.
Number 185 prohibits people from eating non-kosher maggots.
Does this mean there are kosher maggots?
Nothing on the Internet.
So, I asked my rabbi, but he called me a noodnik and told me to leave.
Then I went to the grocery store to look for some.
The kid at the register thought I said “Faggots” and called the cops.
That’s when I looked up Maimonides.
He lived in the 12th Century.
Perhaps all the kosher maggots were eaten to the point of extinction.
Just like the kosher lobster and shrimp.
Stupid medieval bastards.
Chicken Legs
For many years, Baba Yaga’s hut walked around on a pair of gigantic chicken legs.
But a harsh winter forced her to cook and eat one of the legs.
Instead of walking around smoothly on two legs, the hut hopped and wobbled on its single leg. Everything inside the hut was knocked around, and anything fragile was smashed to bits.
The old witch was forced to cook and eat the other leg.
Since she couldn’t find any more chicken legs, she bought a Winnebago.
Not as terrifying-looking as a magical chicken leg hut, but you should see how she drives!
The Wrong Watson
James Watson was a diligent lab assistant, but his boss liked to smoke opium. Instead of inventing the telephone, he’d get stoned and pretend to be Sherlock Holmes.
“The game is afoot!” shouted Alexander Graham Bell into the receiver.
Watson walked down the hall and into Bell’s office. “What did you say?” he said.
Bell would laugh, pick up the violin, and play.
Badly.
Later, Bell shouted “Does LeStrade have another case for us?” into the receiver.
“Yes,” shouted Watson back. “It’s the case of Shut The Fuck Up And Invent The Telephone.”
Bell smiled, and then invented the bitchslap.