Boring? No!
Libraries can be fun and exciting.
All the ideas and hopes and dreams of generations past are contained in books.
Plus, a few surprises.
If your library is old enough and you can forge academic research credentials, you can get access to some really old books.
This Fifteenth Century French cookbook contains many wonders, but the fact that the author wrote over a Ninth Century demon summoning guide makes it extra-special.
With a little lemon juice and a match, I can…
Someone hisses.
It’s not the librarian… it’s the demon.
I slit my finger… here comes the fun!
Category: My stories
Daughter
After Eleanor died, I had to raise Rebecca alone.
When she said “Daddy, I’m pregnant.” I didn’t yell. I just asked her what she wanted to do.
The Taylors next door had been trying to have a baby for years.
Eight months later, they adopted Sarah.
Rebecca had post-partum lactation pain, so she bottled the milk and sent it over.
Then, she was babysitting her own baby.
When she graduated high school, she said she wanted her baby back.
No, said the Taylors.
“What do you want to do, Rebecca?
“Whatever it takes.
Grampa is coming, Sarah.
Grampa is coming.
Air Conditioning
It’s summertime, and the air conditioning at work isn’t working right.
The first few hours were positively ghastly, but there are now fans and air handlers in strategic places to guide what little cooling capacity remains into the populated areas of the building.
But there are still problems.
The receptionist chick who wears too much cheap perfume now permeates the air like a World War One trench warfare gas attack.
The popcorn in the breakroom makes the office stink like a movie theater.
At least they gave the guy who farts all the time a promotion and a corner office.
Cream Of Tartar
We have a small kitchen, but apparently it’s large enough to lose things in.
So when I wanted cinnamon for my coffee, I looked on the spice rack.
Searching through cumin… tarragon… all-spice…
Ah, found it!
It was behind the Cream of Tartar, which we have never used in eleven years.
Never!
Heck, it’s still got its plastic safety seal on it.
Why does Cream Of Tartar need a plastic safety seal anyway?
In the past 11 years, have you heard of a Cream Of Tartar tampering incident?
I put the cinnamon right in front.
Where I can find it.
Life Coach
Years of therapy didn’t help.
Mountains of pills didn’t help.
Shelves full of self-help books didn’t help.
If anything, my life’s gotten more confusing and out of control.
So, I hired a life coach.
For three weeks, he followed me around and took notes.
Then, he called me into his office and said:
“I’m benching you.”
Another guy got up from a chair, patted me on the shoulder, and said “No hard feelings?”
Since then, I’ve been sitting here and watching him live my life.
And you know what?
He’s doing just great! I should have done this years ago!
Never argue
Everybody’s got that one person they look to for advice, an all-knowing wise person who has all the answers.
Maybe it’s a parent.
Maybe it’s a doctor.
Perhaps it’s a priest.
Tennessee Tuxedo had some guy with a stretchable chalkboard.
Me, I’ve got the Nit Noi sushi chef. The guy always knows the answer.
Great advice too, and not just “Never pick a fight with a guy who’s good with a knife.”
Then, he reaches under the counter. “I got this in just this morning” and slices it up, slides me a piece.
And all is right with the world.
Wild Pizza
Every day, 75 acres of pizza are eaten in the United States.
At this rate, if we don’t work harder to conserve our Pizza Wilderness, pizza in the wild will be extinct.
You might think that your local hand-tossed the best, but there’s nothing quite like naturally-grown.
When harvested right. Which Domino’s, in its greed and haste, fails to do.
It’s ruined during transport. Spoils quickly. So they freeze it.
Disgusting! Truly abominable!
Teddy Roosevelt tried to create The Pizza Reserve, with its beautiful mozzarella blooms and tomato sauce falls. Instead, he protected Yellowstone.
Wanna go out for a slice?
Tinny
Our friends own a trailer park.
They feed a lot of stray cats. And every so often, someone abandons a cat or two at their place.
We lost Bruwyn last month. He’d been hit by a car.
Myst is all alone now.
She’s never been alone before.
Before, she had Bruwyn, Nardo, and her birth family.
She needs a furry little friend.
We were going to pick up a kitten from a shelter, but someone dumped a kitten in the trash bin out at the trailer park.
We call her Tin Roof Swirl.
Myst calls her hisssssssssssssss.
It’ll take time.
The Leader
Sufficiently powerful magic swords can overwhelm their owners and take control of their bodies.
So when the fighter we’d hired with a king’s ransom in the tavern drew the sword we’d lent him and growled “This one will do” in Razorwind’s cold steel voice, we knew we had our party leader back.
“This time, can you save a healing spell for my handler?” the sword asked our cleric. “The money you keep paying and taking back from them can buy a potion or two.”
The cleric whispered “Certainly, sir.” and Razorwind pulled back from his neck.
And we marched on.
Oh Mirror, Mirror
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest one if all
And how much does she charge per night?
Mirror mirror laying flat on the table
One line for me
One line for her
Unless she’s not into cocaine
Then I’ll do both
Mirror mirror on the ceiling
Not bad for fifty-seven
If I can’t see myself up there
Then there’s always the videotape
Mirror mirror on the side of the cab
She gives me her card, smiles, and is gone
I toss it in the trash
Mirror mirror in the bathroom
Move aside, I need my pills
Now