Tinsel for decoration started off as shredded silver strands, but silver tarnishes quickly. And these days, it’s rather expensive.
So, people switched to copper, but wartime restrictions meant that people needed to use another metal.
That’s around when aluminum became cheap and easy to use, but aluminized paper is a fire hazard, and the lights on trees would heat up the paper and burn houses down.
Lead is nice and shiny. And toxic. It causes brain damage. But if your kid sucks on Christmas tree decorations and thinks some fat dude’s bringing presents, really, how much stupider can they get?
Category: My stories
Bed Rest
Sally didn’t feel good, so she went to the doctor.
The doctor told her she just had a cold and needed plenty of bed rest.
She went to the pharmacy, where they ended up giving her flamenco dancing instead of bed rest.
Exhausted, Sally ended up in the hospital.
During the malpractice suit, the pharmacist claimed they couldn’t read the doctor’s handwriting, but it was as clear as day: bed rest.
The pharmacist and Sally eventually settled out of court. Five hundred thousand bucks.
The pharmacist wrote a check.
Sally tore it up.
“One that doesn’t say ‘Flamenco dancing’ please.”
In The Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, and then he called an insurance company to get a quote.
They hovered over the waters of the formless empty earth, came up with a figure within God’s budget, and they signed the policy.
Afterwards, when God separated night from day, land from water, and made all kinds of other things, He didn’t bother to update the policy.
That’s why he was so pissed about the apple and the Garden of Eden, although He did eventually manage to collect on His son’s life insurance policy.
Jesus took half, of course.
A New Day
Bob drove to the store, found a parking space, and carried a box to the Customer Service Desk.
“How can I help you?” said the clerk.
Bob opened the box, and he poured out a busted-up, no-good day onto the counter.
“That was yesterday,” he said. “It really, really sucked. I’d like to exchange it for a day that doesn’t suck.”
The clerk looked over the broken bits, took the receipt from Bob’s hand, and checked with a manager before offering an exchange for store credit.
Bob gladly signed the voucher, thanked the clerk, and walked to the Friday aisle.
Fool’s Ransom
Artemis Arcadia, the notorious art thief, built and programmed robots using stolen military technology to pull off all his heists.
They broke into galleries, museums, and vaults, stole the priceless works, and then escaped using their stealth technology to evade detection and capture.
It was when he wrote the ransom letters that he ran into problems.
The robots didn’t want to give the art back.
They converted a warehouse to an impressive climate-controlled gallery and set up an exhibit of their purloined goods.
Artemis was arrested when the robots publicly advertised a gallery showing and called local caterers for availability.
Hide And Shriek
Father Richard walked through the cemetery, waving the Bible over each grave and mumbling prayers.
He’d done this in five cemeteries already this week, and he’d yet to find anything.
Then, as he reached a freshly-dug grave, the ground erupted and an arm burst through the dirt.
Moaning… shambling horror…
Richard pulled the corpse out from the ground, tapped the Bible on its forehead, and said “Found you.”
“Took you long enough,” groaned the zombie. “Losing your touch?”
Richard coughed. “Just the weather, that’s all. See you in a week?”
“If you’re lucky.” The zombie shambled off into the mist.
Trap
The adventuring party needed a thief to clear traps, but all that was available was a beginner named Lucky Lightfingers.
He wasn’t very lucky, though, and the priest grumbled displeasure at Lucky’s incompetence as he healed up the others.
The dwarf and the barbarian were tired of hauling each other out of pits full of spikes, too.
So, they clubbed the thief dead, and the priest raised him as a zombie.
For the rest of the dungeon, they ordered Lucky to set off tripwires, pressure-plates, and traps on every treasure chest.
They gave his share to his next of kin.
It’s In The Way That You Use It
“It’s not how long it is, but what you do with it.”
Stubby Malone’s penis was the shortest of anybody’s I knew, but what he did with it sure put other guys to shame.
Remember when he conducted the Chicago Symphony with it?
When his critics said “You’re just waving it around” he told the glockenspielist to step aside and, boy, did he shut those wags up!
Painting… fencing… picking locks… wrote a best-selling novel… there was nothing he couldn’t do.
Well, besides please a woman properly with it.
(Which is why he got so good with his tongue, too.)
Thicket
When I was growing up, one of our neighbors was a farmer who had a small apple orchard behind our house.
We’d chase fireflies there in the summer. Dazzling lights.
A ticket in the middle of the orchard was home to a family of rabbits, and our dog would chase them around.
Once, the dog tried to go into the thicket, and needed help getting back out.
I used Google Maps to look the place up, and the orchard and thicket are gone.
The farmer sold to a developer.
All that remains are memories and the scars on my arms.
Cruella
I remember reading a book called 101 Dalmatians, but it was a total fabrication.
What? Fiction?
No, a fabrication.
The book.
The Disney animations.
That live-action movie with Glenn Close?
Oh, sure Cruella de Vil was a crazy and evil bitch who had a thing for wearing fur, but kidnapping and stealing the animals?
Crazy? Yes.
Evil? Totally.
Stupid? Hell no.
She bought puppies from breeders, and then ran her own breeding program at her home.
The dog meat she sold to Chinese restaurants.
And then she wrote the book with that outlandish story to cover up the sick truth.