The big Necromancy test is tomorrow, and the Wizard Academy wants to ensure that nobody cheats on it.
All potions must be mixed fresh the day of the exam.
No special talismans or charms allowed.
And any attempt at cribbing spiritual energies from a classmate are strictly prohibited.
This is enough to keep most students on the level, but there’s always a too-clever-for-their-own-evil pupil ready to break the rules to beat the grade curve.
To convince them to play it fair, they tell the students that they will be working with the corpses of cheaters from years past.
PENCILS DOWN!
Category: My stories
Safe To Eat
I had to look twice to make sure I read it right.
Sure enough, the recipe called for Silly Putty.
“Is that shit safe?” I asked my wife. “I mean, can anything which picks up ink from the funnies be considered safe to eat?”
“Well, the package does say it’s non-toxic,” says my wife.
“So is a bucket of pinballs, but you don’t see me stir-frying them with snowpeas and carrots.”
“Mmmmmmm pinballs! We have ranch dressing, right?”
I closed the cookbook, put it back on the shelf, and headed out to the old-timey game arcade to shop for dinner.
Buffalo
Long ago, I sang “Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam!”
Well, I fell behind on my payments and lost the place.
Yeah, I thought a home where the buffalo roamed would be great, but it turned out to be a real stinker.
There’s no phone lines out here. Can’t even make a lousy cell call.
No power, either, although with the skies not cloudy all day, I have solar panels and batteries that work pretty well.
Water? Nope. And the skies aren’t cloudy, so no rain.
And then there’s all the buffalo shit.
They can have it!
Weightless
A poet once described being in love as feeling weightless all the time.
So, when I got a chance to ask a crewmember of the International Space Station if they felt like they were in love, I thought they’d say “Yes, all the time!”
Instead, I got a visit from a security team, checking me for adult diapers and asking to see the trunk of my car.
“You don’t own duct tape or other kidnapping implements, do you?” they asked.
I shook my head, then looked up. “Well, I own duct tape,” I said. “But not for that.”
They left.
Synesbleedathesia
Ever hear music so awful it makes your ears bleed?
Or see something so awful, it makes your eyes bleed?
Well, that’s to be expected, but it’s when you hear something so awful it makes your eyes bleed, that’s a crosswiring of the sensory organs.
Since Synesthesia is when auditory stimuli cause you to sense smells or see visions, or seeing colors when you see numbers, we’ll call it Synesbleedathesia when one sensory input causes another to output blood.
As for hearing things or seeing things that make your ass bleed, well, that’s salmonella.
Stop eating raw eggs, you idiot.
Her eyes
Her eyes are so beautiful, so deep, and so bright.
I hired an artist to create glass eyes identical to them so I can carry them with me wherever I go.
A peek now and then reminded me of her beauty, like carrying a spring of lavender for the scent.
Then, when she died, I paid a taxidermist to have her mounted, and those glass eyes became hers for eternity, unblinking… staring at me across the room.
What? You think me a monster for doing this?
Wrong! Look upon her yourself! Was she not the finest bird you’ve ever seen?
Seven Brides For Seven Monsters
It all started when Victor Frankenstein made his monster.
The monster got lonely, so he made a bride for the monster.
But the bride was way too hot for the monster, so he kept her for himself.
This pissed off the monster, so he made another hottie just for him.
But this new hottie was even hotter than the bride, so he kept her as a mistress.
“So, about the monster…”
No way, said the bride.
“Threesome?”
No.
All this time, the villagers sat around with their pitchforks and torches, far too amused at Victor’s shenanigans to storm the castle.
Queen
For the longest time, people wondered what The Queen kept in her little purse.
With all the assistants and bodyguards around her, offering her things when she needed them, there really wasn’t anything she needed to carry herself.
There wasn’t anything private in her life, either. Everybody knew everything in her life down to the color of the underwear she was wearing. (If she was wearing underwear.)
So, wild speculation went about with people betting on what was in her purse.
Breath mints?
Gum?
A phone?
A dildo?
It contained, in fact, nothing.
She just liked to fuck with people.
Tom
A Bucket List is a list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket.
I’ve crossed off a few things so far, like “Kiss The Pope’s Ring” and “Invent Something Useful.”
But there’s some other things there like “Ask Tom Selleck why he didn’t have his trademark mustache in the film In & Out.”
So, when I saw he was on Twitter, I asked him.
And he answered. The producers didn’t think it was in character for the role.
I thank him, scratch that item from the list, and I’ll cross off “Write a silly story” too.
Raise Em Right
It’s not easy growing good teachers.
Good soil.
Good weather.
Good gardeners.
Even with seeds genetically modified to handle various academic climates, few districts take the time or give the effort to try to raise the best crop.
Some say organic pesticide-free is the way to go. Hydroponics, too. Force-feeding nutrients in glass pots reduces root-shock.
Our district tries to stay as natural as we can, using leaf-cuttings from good teachers while limiting physical manipulation to grafting of buds and branches for diversity.
The bad teachers, we chop up for the kids’ lunches.
No wonder why they’re so damn stupid.