Category: My stories

The Ants

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All day long, Jimmy would burn ants with a magnifying glass, grinning madly.
He did this for weeks on end, until the ants all vanished.
Did he burn them all?
Hardly.
At night, the ants went into the tool shed, gathering up metal and lawn care chemicals.
With tiny ant hammers and anvils, they pounded and shaped until, at last, they were ready.
The sun woke Jimmy up, and he dressed quickly to go out to play.
As he stared at the anthill, it erupted into a deadly green cloud.
The ants on the roof wove their antenna with joy.

We, the Confused

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Hey, man. We’ll go sit around a fire in the woods, passing a funstick around.
“Cmon, lick one side, then the other, and then pass it on.
After a few seconds, you’ll notice a bit of wobbling around the edges of everything.
Colors change.
Shapes change.
Everything changes.
Trippy!
Then, normal comes back in a rush.
For a while, normal feels like change, and everything around you is new and strange.
Okay, now get up. Feel the bark on the trees. Feel the grass.
Look at the stars.
Wicked, right?
Just don’t reach for the flame, dude. Total party foul.

They should do something

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The bumpersticker on the first SUV said “DRILL BABY DRILL.”
The other SUV had dozens of stickers representing environmental groups which disagreed with that sentiment.
Same make.
Same model.
Same lousy gas mileage.
Both were parked next to each other at the grocery store.
They’d both run inside “for just a minute” and left the engines running.
And the doors unlocked.
So, I reached in and turned the keys, shutting off the engines.
Then I threw the keys down a sewer grate.
Maybe it won’t make a bit of difference in the end.
But, unlike these two assholes, I tried.

Do you believe in magic?

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How does that old song go? “Do you believe in magic in a young girl’s eye?”
I sure do. Which is why so many girls in this village have eyepatches and I’m still healthy after ninety years on the throne.
They make the most potent longevity potions.
I’ve warned the royal magician to be fair about his harvesting of eyes, though.
Visit each girl only once, and pay twenty gold coins. No sense in getting a reputation for miserliness and unnecessary cruelty.
And, despite my desire to live forever, I’d rather not be king in the valley of the blind.

Fighting City Hall

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Remember the old saying that you can’t fight City Hall?
Well, those people were wrong.
City Hall cut me off while I was driving to work, so I chased it down and yelled at it when we got to the parking garage.
Harsh words were exchanged, and the next thing I knew City Hall had punched me in the gut.
So, I swung back and we fought for a bit, and I won.
By the time the cops arrived, we sorted out our differences and I drove off.
The next day, someone had keyed my car door.
Motherfucking City Hall!

Drawers

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Sandy took off her shoes and sat down.
Then she slid off her jeans, took off her top, and tossed aside her bra.
Stepping out of her panties, she opened her drawer and dropped her breasts on a towel.
Then she reached between her legs and peeled quickly.
(It stung less that way.)
Shutting the drawer, she opened another, and put himself back together.
Looking in the mirror, he wiped the makeup from his face.
He checked the clock: a little early.
He smiled, and opened the first drawer.
A gentle, soft caress – and then he got dressed for work.

Squeegie

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Every day, I drive to work on Culpepper Road.
And every day, the same homeless guy is standing there at the light.
He stands there with a squeegie and two buckets, offering to clean your windshield.
His cardboard sign says he’ll do it for free, God bless you, and the usual crap.
But he’s really expecting a buck. Or five.
If you give him money, he uses the bucket full of soapy water.
If you don’t give him money, he splashes the other bucket on your car.
What’s in the bucket?
Drive by there, don’t pay him, and find out.

Contrived

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The police reviewed the tapes from the bank and admitted that the scene looked somewhat contrived.
Robbers were holding sheets of paper in their hands, reading their lines, while the bank teller kept prompting them every time they went off-script.
Their guns looked like toy guns. The orange tips gave them away.
When the bank teller accidentally hit the alarm switch with his knee, he kept saying “I’m sorry about that!” and helped the robbers carry two sacks of cash to the getaway car.
As we questioned him, the bank teller shouted: “I kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby!”
Crazy little twerp.

On the eighth day…

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On the seventh day, God rested.
But on the eighth day, the angels came to God’s office and found the door locked.
There were strange sounds coming from behind the door.
Nothing the angels immediately recognized.
Maybe heavy breathing, or a wet finger stroked along the lip of a wineglass.
They knocked a few times, but the door didn’t open.
And the sounds became louder and stranger.
Some of the angels wanted to break the door down, but in the end, they just walked away.
On the ninth day, there was no door.
The angels walked in circles and screamed.

The Prayer Flags

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Atisha Cho was a Tibetan stripper who’s routine involved the judicious use and slow removal of strings of prayer flags.
As she peeled away the blue flags, the skies darkened.
As she peeled away the white flags, the wind ran through her hair.
As she peeled away the red flags, the fires burned brighter.
As she peeled away the green flags, it started to rain.
And as she peeled away the yellow flags, the ground shook and cracked open, swallowing her up, screaming and naked.
Since then, Tibetan strippers only use veils.
And leave the prayer flags to the wind.