Category: My stories

April showers

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“April showers bring May flowers, and May flowers bring pilgrims” says the sampler on my wall.
As I look through this telescope into April’s bathroom, yeah, now you know why I named my cock “Mayflower.”
It used to be named “Norman Goldberg.”
I’m not sure why I named it that.
I don’t know anyone named Norman Goldberg, but a long time ago when I was looking at it, the name just jumped into my head.
I’m glad I changed its name. Would have been embarrassing to meet Norman in the street and say “Hey, that’s what I named my cock!”

The Fool

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I trapped the fool in the mirror and threw a sheet over it.
He’s screaming to be let out, but I won’t let him.
Instead, I threw the mirror into the basement and then locked the door.
I thought that I had finally beaten the fool, but he showed up in the bathroom mirror.
Damn him! And I can’t take that mirror off of the wall and throw it into the basement!
I keep finding him in every room, so I ran into a linen closet and slammed the door.
Now, I’m safe. The fool won’t find me in here.

Sealed with a kiss of death

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At first, we thought that Stanley was being attacked by flesh-eating bacteria, but the bacteria turned out to be the mailman.
It seems that the Postal Service is forcibly retiring as many of its older workforce as possible and replacing them with less-expensive cannibals.
“They don’t need a lunch break,” said the Postmaster General, giggling with glee.
Bastard.
Because of the danger, I pay all my bills online now.
Christmas is 8 months away, but I’m already thinking ahead for the Christmas gift season.
Just leave the packages on the doorstep and back away, Chief.
Otherwise, I’m firing my blunderbuss.

The Joker

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I work for a practical joke factory.
I started leading group therapy for depressed whoopie cushions. I’d ask them how they’d feel, they’d say PFFFFFFTTTTP!
I tried my hand in R&D, but after two years of working on an invisible ink formula, I had nothing to show for it.
I moved to the testing lab. I’d rather not talk about when I thought I was working with artificial dog poop and vomit, okay?
Now I’m the biggest joke of all: Human Resources.
Yes, your benefits will be enough to cover any issue that might come up. Trust me on this.

What do Mummies eat?

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What do Mummies eat?
Just because their guts have been dumped into canopic jars and their brains hooked out through their noses, it doesn’t mean they don’t eat.
According these pictures on the wall, mummies eat flightless birds.
Dodos, awks, and penguins are a delicacy on the buffet to the bandaged.
This explains why awks and dodos are extinct. Completely wiped out by mummies.
As for penguins, well, the mummies ate them all except for the furthest reaches of Patagonia and the Southern Pole.
Mummies don’t do so well in cold weather, even when smothered with globs of Icy Hot.

The Bull

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Most Vikings carry an axe or a sword, but I know one who likes to bend down and charge his opponents like a bull, using the horns on his helmet as weapons.
They call him “The Bull”, oddly enough.
After years of charging and bashing into things, his face looks like a mashed up wad of yak guts, so when his longboat lost its dragon figurehead on the prow, he told his crew to lash him up there.
Not only does he look horribly menacing, but I think it’s the best washing the stinky old barbarian has had in decades.

Gold sinks

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Remember: Gold sinks and shit floats.
This bit of information will be most helpful when you swallow some gold and wait for it to pass.
My favorite prank is to tell people that I hid some gold bits in their dinner.
For the next few days, they’re all combing through their turds looking for it.
When they accuse me of pulling a prank on them, I say they must have missed the gold bits somehow.
Now, when they all come over for dinner, they pick through their dinner carefully and take tiny bites.
Just in case I do it again.

Miranda Rights

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If you want your Miranda rights, you’re going to need this fruit hat.
You’re also going to need a Brazilian band backing you.
These maracas might help.
Sure, you have the right to remain silent, but when you hear that Latin beat, you’re going to sing and dance.
Sure, call a lawyer. Just make sure he has a suit and shoes for dancing, and you can dance with him.
The cameras in the court room will be the paparazzi, and your trial will be in all the tabloids.
Anything you say will be used against you.
That’s why you’ll sing.

Birthday Gift

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I had no idea what to get Molly for her birthday.
She’s allergic to flowers and she hates chocolate.
I wandered around the gift shop until I came to the alligator isle.
Stacked up on the shelves were crocodiles of various sizes and colors.
I checked their price tags. Sure enough, they were marked as alligators.
Which are much less expensive that crocodiles.
Recognizing a bargain when I see one is my particular field of genius, so I bought out the lot.
So that’s what I got Molly for her birthday.
Please, quit screaming, and help me wrap them up.

Why do Mondays suck?

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Why do Mondays suck?
Well, in the old days, when there weren’t many people, God used to make everyone line up single-file every Sunday night.
Then, he’d walk along the line with his Sack Full of Mondays and make everyone pull their Monday out of the bag.
Some were bright and shiny, while others were squelchy and stank like a dead possum.
Over time, the line got too long, and the wait was longer than the rest of the week, so God gave up the practice. Made everyone’s Monday suck.
By the way, Joe, this coffee tastes like dead possum.