Category: My stories

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #93

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Abe tried to watch the play. The war was coming to a close, and here he was trying to enjoy himself, but his assistants kept interrupting him.
“How can I enjoy the play if you keep interrupting me,” he growled. “I have no idea what’s going on. None at all, assholes!”
Mary Todd wasn’t even going to handjob him tonight. Wasn’t that the point of having the “high box” at Ford’s. People paid extra just for that secret little thrill in public.
Another knock at the door.
He moaned. “I need this like I need a hole in the head.”

Stoned Dead

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The five of us sitting around the table, her pacing back and forth asking us why.
It’s been less than an hour since she died, but her ghost is talking to all of us already.
Usually, if a ghost will show up, it takes a week.
When the spirit is strong or the death is particularly
violent, it’ll bounce off of Heaven and echo quickly.
Drinking a lot or smoking a bunch of dope makes it easier to sense them.
Her purse was full of weed. Couldn’t let that go to waste, right?
We’ll save a little for the funeral.

The Lobster Races

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I’ve got a special treat in store for you.
No, we’re not going to the movies. There’s no good movies out right now.
We’re going to the lobster races tonight!
They take a pair of lobsters and strap them to roller skates.
Then, they roll those roller skates down a street.
First one across the finish line wins. The loser gets eaten.
Okay, so they eat the winner too. Nobody wins this race.
Except for the people who eat the lobsters.
Know who loses the worst?
Me. Because those are my roller skates.
On second thought, let’s see a movie.

The Dead Lawn

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The lawn is dead.
I tried watering, fertilizing, sod patches – you name it, I’ve tried it.
You know how some kooks tell you to play music for plants? Well, I tried that too. I guess those kooks were as kooky as I’d thought.
There’s nothing left of the lawn. It’s all blown to dust.
It’s a shame, because I bought a shiny new lawnmower.
The neighbors come by to borrow it. They expect me to fill it with gas.
Why? What’s the point?
They have lawns. Let them gas it up.
I’ll just sit here, watching Dust Devils graze.

Poseidon

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None of the other Poseidon The Sea Gods at water parks had problems, but then, they were just actors.
The One True Poseidon lay on the couch, shaking.
“The pills aren’t working,” he tells his analyst. “Neptune came out during my act at Sea World again.”
“What happened?” asked Dr. Moggs.
“I speared a kid with my trident. The lawyers are erasing the tape and blaming the kid for leaning on the rail.”
The doctor made notes as the once-mighty sea god moaned in agony, mumbling “Get out of my head” and rocking back and forth like a terrified child.

Taco and Tequila

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I sit at my desk, ignoring the noise, focused on that clock on the wall.
Both hands reach for the sky – It’s noon!
You see, I have found the key to happiness.
Every day, I have a taco and a shot of tequila for lunch. Oh, that sweet simple burn.
Sure, it can be rough on my stomach, but it makes the afternoon just fly by until it’s time to go home.
It’s time to go home? Let’s go home.
My buzz lasts through the bus ride.
Mom asks what I learned today in school.
I smile and say “Bliss.”

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #92

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Congress, in its infinite wisdom, offered to grant royal powers to Lincoln.
The exhausted president refused them.
“If all earthly power were given to me,” he muttered, “I should not know what to do.”
That evening, he watched as a meteorite streaked across the sky and landed at his feet.
“What have we here?”
In his hands, the glowing green rock pulsed.
Abe smiled as the energy flowed through his body, but his smile quickly faded.
“I still don’t know what to do,” he muttered, sitting down on the back porch.
He went to bed and slept for a week.

Lasso

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You don’t need a license to carry a lasso.
That’s why I carry one of those instead of a gun.
Guns are aloud and messy. Lassos are a lot friendlier.
But have you ever tried robbing a bank with a lasso?
The teller laughs like you’re crazy.
If you’re robbing a bank with a lasso, you are crazy.
The teller says for me to hold out my hand.
“Why?” I ask. “What for?”
“Just do it,” she says and smiles.
So, I do it, and she puts a penny in my palm.
“That’s for being cute,” she says. “Next!”

Life Hands You Lemons

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When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
So, I did.
Death handed me lemons, too.
I made lemonade with them.
Karma gave me lemons. More lemonade.
Then, Fate handed me a bag.
“More lemons?” I asked. “Please, not more lemons.”
Fate nodded yes.
So here I am, sitting on an island of lemons in a lake of lemonade.
Instead of a boat to rescue me, everybody’s bringing me lemons.
They ask lemon advice, when to plant, when to pick.
They want me to write a book.
ENOUGH!
If life hands you lemons, yell GET THESE FUCKING LEMONS AWAY FROM ME!

The Rider

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They may be hideous in appearance, but no goblin would be caught being rude.
“Sears,” says the creature. “And your name is?”
The topiary, a shrub groomed to look like a green poodle, said nothing.
“I need to be in Waco by sunrise,” said Sears, and he hopped on the back of the topiary. “Let us ride.”
For all the shouting, the topiary didn’t budge an inch.
The morning dew settles on the goblin’s frozen body, turned to stone by the daylight.
“Who put this ugly thing out here?” said the groundskeeper, knocking the goblin to pieces with a trowel.