Category: My stories

Pumpkin Screams

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This genetic engineering shit gives me a case of the heebie jeebies.
These newfangled pumpkins scream and ooze blood when you carve them.
When it got to Thanksgiving turkeys that gobble to the tune of “over the river and through the woods” even after you cut their heads off, I got worried.
How did it start? Let me think… It started with a simple splice of DNA to produce Yule logs that burn with natural cinnamon spice scent.
All downhill from there, rabbits laying eggs and crazy shit like that.
Oh. Great. Here comes Santa Clone.
Earlier every damn year.

All Locked Up

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I forget when I lock things, so I made a key chain with little plastic reminders when a door is locked or appliance is on.
Instead of worrying, I now just look at my reminders on my key chain.
I was in a rush this morning and forgot to set the reminders… Or did I?
Or did I forget to reset the reminders from when I last unlocked those things, and then forgetting to lock them again, so…
I throw away the key chain, lock the locks, sit in my chair, and hum happily in the darkness.
All locked up.

The Battery

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The monks bring out the iron chest and assemble the relics upon the altar.
Tears from a thousand saints poured into the Holy Grail, iron from the gates of Heaven and Hell wired with a slender silver thread that was hammered from Judas’ coins.
They connect the wires around my horns.
“Do you see The Light?” asks the abbot.
I wait. There is a buzzing in my ears, but no light.
“I am deeply sorry, Lucifer. Redemption is beyond your grasp.”
I crawl back to The Pit to continue my plans.
“A Hallmark card, perhaps?” says a demon.
Infernal fools.

Bacon

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The Law of Bacon is an axiom of our existence.
Creation’s purpose is two-fold: to evolve a form of life to generate a source of bacon and a form of life to consume bacon.
This is the Meaning Of Life. One without the other shatters the fabric of reality.
The wine and wafers are gone, replaced with strips of bacon.
The pews are filled with the faithful, led by the aroma and sound of sizzling in the skillet.
Today, we burn a heretic at the stake, a nonbeliever in our midst, the grease of turkey bacon still on her lips.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #89

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Abraham Lincoln didn’t like to lose.
“Rather than yield,” he said. “I would sooner go out into my backyard and hang myself.”
All it took was a bad hand of cards or an argument over dinner, and he’d be out in the backyard, tossing a rope over a branch in order to hang himself.
At first, Mary Todd hid all the ropes, so Abe tried using bed sheets and towels.
That’s when Mary Todd ordered all of the trees cut down.
Abe roamed the back yard, looking for something to hang himself from, but it was just a flat lawn.

Bring Him Back

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The poster was supposed to say Dead Or Alive, but it ended up saying Dead And Alive.
Before we could fix the mistake, the poster was up in every Post Office.
Replacements were sent out the next week, but by then, we’d gotten our man.
He’s in the holding cell, Dead And Alive.
No, I haven’t seen him. All I know is, the guy who brought him in said he was, and he wanted to collect on the full reward.
I don’t know what Dead And Alive means. Do you?
Maybe we should just leave him for the next shift?

Vet

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Bo spent two years in Sadr City.
Some bearded fuck was running the place.
The government gave this fuck guns and money to keep the peace, but this asshole used them for all sorts of other shit.
Women suicide bombers. Those were the worst.
Stick a bunch of crazy shit in their heads, put a bomb under their robes, and tell them to shriek like hell if anyone tried to search them.
All it takes is one. Just one.
Bo came back in a bag last week.
The bearded fuck is still there, making women crazy and giving them bombs.

Primordial

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The primordial soup is full of amino acids.
Add a little electrical energy in the form of lightning to get the building blocks of life.
Perhaps with the primordial soup you can get a primordial sandwich. Nothing complex… Just some lettuce and tomato.
A sprinkle of dill? Perfect.
How about a primordial salad to go with that? That, my friend, is a good lunch. You won’t need a big primordial dinner after a primordial lunch like that.
Just be sure to leave a good primordial tip for this primordial lunch or the primordial waitress will get medieval on your ass.

Servant

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We need more sticks for wands.
Kiss your fingertips, touch the gate, and walk into the cemetery.
Without the kiss, the cemetery’s residents will be insulted.
With the kiss, you will have a safe journey to the Tree Of Souls.
Gather the loose branches. Do not take from the tree itself – that is certain destruction.
These powerful twigs will make excellent wands for necromancy, magic of the dead.
My best ones come from here in fact. Powerful enough to raise the dead and make them obedient servants.
Such as yourself.
Now, be a good zombie, and get me those twigs.

Apple Bobbing

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I love Halloween. It’s the best time of the year.
The candy. The costumes. The cool breeze in the air.
Most of all, I love apple bobbing.
Fill a washtub with water, toss in a few apples, put your hands behind your back, and then try to catch an apple with your mouth.
It’s so fun!
Ever tried other fruits?
Bananas are way too easy.
Watermelons are just too big.
No, it’s best to stick to apples.
I know one guy who likes to bob for lobsters, but that’s taking “choose your lobster from the tank” a little too far.