Category: My stories

Fee Fie Foe Fucked

636190

Jack didn’t realize his mistake until he’d chopped through the beanstalk.
The giant was directly above his farm.
And falling. Really fast.
Gold coins couldn’t buy his way out of this one.
The goose’s goose was cooked.
And the magic harp began to play a mournful dirge as the shadows grew darker and darker.
The giant was falling face-down, and when he saw the look on Jack’s face, he roared with laughter.
“FEE FIE FO FUM!” was the last thing the giant shouted, and the last thing Jack heard.
Jack’s wife, asleep, didn’t feel a thing.
“Magic beans,” she mumbled.

Martians vs. Robots

636191

Martians? Robots?
You wouldn’t think they’d be at war, but they are, and the world is at stake.
The robots want to exterminate all human life.
The Martians just want to enslave them all.
You might think “At least we’d be alive and we’d have jobs” but you’d be generally miserable about it and have no freedom.
Kinda like things are now.
But then, they’re Martians. Foreigners. Invaders.
Sure, the Martians have robots, but they left them at home.
You know, to keep the confusion to a minimum.
Martians? Robots?
We’d better hurry up with destroying ourselves on our own.

And Then What

636185

Bobby was the one who pounded the stake through the vampire’s heart.
The vampire had gasped, clutched the stake, and died.
“Isn’t he supposed to turn into dust?” said Bobby. “Or burst into flames?”
The Vampire just sat there. Dead.
“I dunno,” I said. “What else are we supposed to do?”
We stuffed his mouth with holy wafers and garlic.
Turned the hose on him.
“Running water,” said Bobby. “And sunlight.”
Crosses, holy water, and even six silver bullets didn’t seem to do anything.
I checked the address.
“Isn’t 37 next door?” I asked.
The sun was setting.
We ran.

Focus

636177

I had a boss who made the craziest demands.
Once, she told me to focus on everything.
No. Really.
Focusing on everything.
Isn’t that impossible?
You have to focus on something. And then, everything else goes out of focus.
When something catches your attention out of the corner out of your eye, you shift your focus to that.
And what you had been focusing on, you don’t focus on anymore.
How can you focus on everything?
One day, I noticed that she used a special bottle of eyedrops for her contact lenses.
It glowed green.
I quit the next day.

Push Pull

636181

Some doors say push. Others say pull.
And then there’s some doors that don’t say either on them.
You have to figure out which way they go based on the handles.
If there’s just a flat plate to push on or a bar to tug on, that’s easy.
Then there’s the swinging doors. You push on either side.
What if someone’s coming from the other side?
Best to push carefully.
Or, if you’re feeling like being really mean, why not just kick the door in?
Although, you’d better be sure the door swings that way.
Want to sign my cast?

Colored Clouds

636186

Paska is a small island with just a few hundred residents.
Everybody knows everyone else.
Especially Josh. He may be Mainlander, but he’s with the Weather Bureau.
He gets freshly-baked pies and hugs when the weather is good.
He gets things thrown at him when the weather is bad.
Every now and then, he likes to tinker with the weather control engine and make the clouds all different colors.
“Make a pink bunny!” says the mayor’s daughter.
Josh pushes a few buttons, pulls a lever, and the island’s church is incinerated by lightning.
“Um,” says Josh. “The bunnies are angry.”

The Rainbows

636184

Maybe you’re familiar with the story of The Rainbow Bridge?
Kitty Heaven, a place to visit
It’s not quite true.
Rainbows do soar over the meadows of Heaven, majestically, but not at any bridge.
They wait for the storm to pass, the Lord’s tears dry, and they look down at the world, searching.
Like Valkyries searching for the bravest of the fallen, they seek out those who have loved and been loved the greatest.
And guide them to where that love is eternal.
No pot of gold at the rainbow’s end, but a greater treasure awaits.
The rainbows search anew.

Coffee Down Under

636189

When it comes to the marsupial family, the koala is the heaviest drinker of coffee.
Kangaroos are already jumpy enough without caffeine.
However, they can easily afford to hop to Starbucks time and time again because of their deep pockets.
Possums enjoy a good cappuccino now and then.
Wombats prefer tea. And Tasmanian Devils use diet soft drinks for a quick boost of energy.
Technically, the duck-billed platypus is a monotreme and not a marsupial.
Nobody has ever seen a duck-billed platypus drink coffee, but then, nobody has seen one play a tuba, either.
There’s always a first time, though.

Masturbation

636184

If you’ve read Fark, you’ve heard the adage: Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
So, every time a cat masturbates, does God kill a baby?
I know the answer. And the answer is YES.
Malnutrition, ad genetics, crib death – the government and WHO make excuses, but you’ll never get the truth out of their reports.
It’s masturbating cats killing all the babies! Damn them!
Very few people know. Bob Barker is one of them.
Why do you think he kept saying to spay and neuter your pets?
It was for the children. It was always for the children.

The End

636179

“Tell me a story, my beloved,” said the king, “Or the sun will shine over your headless corpse.”
Scheheradze smiled and recited the same story she’d told every night for the past three years.
The king was cruel, yes, but also senile.
He woke up every morning, free from memory of the day before.
So, when he’d ask for a story, it was always new to him.
Just once, she grew tired and changed it.
“Why did you change the story?” he said.
She was confused… frightened. He… knew?
He was laughing as she buried a dagger in his chest.