Category: My stories

Back In The Bottle

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They say you can’t put the genie back in the bottle.
This is not true.
First, you have to club the genie in the back of the head, knocking them unconscious.
Then, slit their throat with a knife.
Cut them up into smallish pieces that will fit in an industrial blender.
Finally, with the blender set on Liquefy, render the genie into a slurry.
Oh, and you might need a plastic kitchen funnel so you don”t spill any.
I used to dissolve genies with acid in my bathtub, but it’s so much easier to pour them straight from the blender.

The Box

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I open my eyes. It’s dark.
I close my eyes. It’s dark.
I blink them a few times.
No difference. It’s dark.
All I remember is standing here in the dark.
Nothing before that.
I feel my head.
It feels wet… sticky…
Is that blood?
I stick a finger in my mouth and taste the wetness.
It’s blood. My head is bloody.
And I can”t remember anything but being here.
I reach ahead… a wall. A wall to my left side… my right side… I turn around… one’s there too.
I reach up. A roof.
And it’s wet and sticky

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #84

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President Abraham Lincoln toiled in the White House kitchen most nights, well past the break of dawn, napping during boring cabinet meetings or falling asleep during reports by his generals.
Just as General Grant reeked of bourbon, Abe reeked of sugary candy.
“Why do you torture yourself this way?” asked Mary Todd.
“The time will never come in this country when the people won’t know exactly what sugar-coated means,” said Abe, and he returned to the kitchen.
Under his suit, his skin shone with a glossy hard candy shell.
Soon, he’d be invulnerable to small arms fire.
But, soon enough?

The Kids

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The children play in the woods despite our warning them repeatedly it’s not safe out there.
The kids say they’re safe. Don’t worry about us. We’re fine.
Kids can be stupid.
Henderson came up with a plan to knock some sense into them.
We all put on animal skins and wore scary masks, then we went to the forest to wait for the kids.
The moment the kids showed up, we’d jump out and scare them.
Kids can be stupid.
Instead, when we jumped out, the kids shot at us with their guns.
I guess parents can be stupid too.

Wash Your Hands

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The sign on the bathroom door says: All employees must wash their hands before returning to work.
Lefty McGinty just looks at the sign, clacks his hooks together, and goes back to his desk.
He writes up memoes using speech recognition software, you know.
Talks into a microphone and the words appear on the screen.
He’s got a special mouse for doing edits and that kind of stuff. He’s gotten really good with those hooks.
But I keep thinking of him in the bathroom. Those hooks. And his… his…
Scary stuff.
I guess he’s gotten really good with those hooks.

Blowtorch

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Molly says that the blowtorch had a label that said FOR ALL AGES but I think it’s a misprint.
“If they thought it was dangerous, it would say KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN, wouldn’t it?” she said.
“I guess so,” I say. “But not everything that’s dangerous for kids has a warning label on it.”
“If it was dangerous, it wouldn’t have FOR ALL AGES on it. It’s safe.”
I had a gut feeling Molly was wrong, but I couldn’t come up with a response.
So, I gently placed the blowtorch in the crib and removed the handgun.

Two Balls, No Outs

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Spring is here, and that can only mean one thing…
Baseball.
It’s something you can’t experience through the television or the radio.
Go to the park.
Buy peanuts and beer.
Root, root for the home team.
And then, you head for the bathroom, take off all your clothes, and run as fast as you can for the field.
Nothing quite like streaking bare-assed naked.
Try it at home. It just isn”t the same as when you’re there.
The roar of the crowd.
The shouting cops.
The wind in my hair.
Seven bucks for beer?
You can kiss my ass, man!

The Torch

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Damn Chinks killing the shit out of Tibetans pissed off a bunch of folks, so they went after the Olympic Torch with water buckets and fire extinguishers.
I mean, how hard is it to put out a torch that some geeks in track suits are running all over the world?
It’s not as easy as you think, but if you put some effort into it, it becomes a sport in an of itself.
It took a while to get traction, but Torch Dowsing became an official Olympic event in 2016.
Now protesters do their best to keep the thing lit.

Wakeup Stories

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Most parents tell their kids bedtime stories, but Joe, he told his kids wakeup stories.
Happened every morning. First, they’d get themselves a good night’s sleep. Then, when the sun came up, they’d open their eyes, and they’d see their dad, sitting on the side of the bed and watching them.
“What story do you want to hear?” he’d ask, giggling like a maniac.
The kids tried setting their alarm clocks earlier, but Joe was right there, ready for them.
Pretty soon, the kids stopped sleeping at all.
So, you don’t like my bedtime stories, Susie?
Ohhhhhhh… okay.
Thought so.

Envelopes

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Ted says that you can use your underwear twice by turning it inside out.
“That’s good to know, Ted,” I say.
What’s weird is that he does the same thing with envelopes.
I didn’t know that you could do that with envelopes, turning them inside out and addressing them again, but Ted can do it. He’s really good with folding paper.
Now, this only works with plain white envelopes, mind you. If you do this with a packing envelope, you can’t write on the packing material they glue to the inside of it.
Or, I mean, outside.
Just ask Ted.