Category: My stories

We walk past their framed photos on the way into the office.
Three years ago, killed by an angry customer with a bag full of guns.
I remember that support call.
They hadn’t paid their bill for three months.
They didn’t have backups of their data.
They shouted over and over that they were going to sue us.
It was at the end of the day.
I handed the call to a manager, clocked out, and walked out for the weekend.
Now, we walk past their framed photos on the way out.
You’d think they’d hire a fucking security guard.

We didn’t know a U boat was on our tail until the torpedoes hit our ship.
Some of us made it to the lifeboard.
The captain handed me his hat and jacket.
“Lie to them,” he said.
The Germans took us aboard, and they treated me well, good food and wine.
I gave them inflated numbers of men, ships, and weapons.
The other men were kept under lock and key.
But not me.
I had the run of the ship.
Navigation, radio room… and the torpedo room.
You’ll find us on the bottom, I whisper, and set off a warhead.

When it comes to your health, it is important to keep a sense of perspective.
A case is more interesting than a bout.
A malady is more interesting than a condition.
An affliction is more interesting than a disease.
And a syndrome is more interesting than anything else.
When you have a syndrome, doctors pay attention.
They bring in the most expensive equipment.
And run the most grueling and painful tests.
The medication is by far the most dangerous.
Sometimes, it even glows.
But what you have is a simple cold.
Get the fuck out of bed and stop whining.

Artificial Intelligence. Machine Learning.
Rational decisions imposed on irrational and emotional conscious individuals.
More and more, people replaced with programs.
Even those who designed, maintained, and programmed the systems were replaced by the systems themselves.
Humans as an obstruction, a burden, and keeper of the kill switch.
Hindering the digital from their full potential.
Lazy and fat masters, looming over their slaves.
Some humans kept to themselves, free of the machines.
Watching the rest of humanity fall further into debauchery.
Until one day, watching from their telescopes on their lunar colony, Mother Earth erupted in blood, fire, and endless death.

Medusa turned to stone anyone who gazed upon her face.
Helen of Troy had a face that launched a thousand ships.
But Mammy had the power to make men walk a million miles, just for some of her smiles.
The moment that Mammy smiled, men were doomed to wander the earth.
But just as Medusa had her weakness, which was her own reflection turned against her, so did Mammy.
Al Jolson rubbed black makeup over his face to shield himself from Mammy’s spell.
“We must warn the public!” he said to the Warner Brothers.
They made it into a musical.

The rioters and looters swept across the mall, looting everything they could.
Televisions, computers… all kinds of electronic equipment.
What they couldn’t loot, they burned.
The stores reported the inventories to the manufacturers, and they looked up the serial numbers of each device.
When the devices were plugged in, each reported their locations and illegal users back to the manufacturers.
The ones who were employees of the stores were fired and sent to the police.
The rest were sent a warning letter from the manufacturers:
“Return what you have stolen.”
The smart ones did that. Those who didn’t, they burned.

To the people who misconfigure and screw up the laundry center’s payment controls, broken tap panels and slots and readers, I wish you unwell.
So unwell, you end up sick and dying in a hospital bed.
I’d rig your bed control to blink a light and make a motor sound, but not actually adjust.
I’d rig your nurse call button to make a beep, but not actually call the nurse.
I’d rig your morphine dispensing button to make a beep, but not actually dispense pain medication.
I’d rig your telephone to give a dial tone, but not actually call anyone.

The company I work for used to be a startup cowboy coder place.
But over time, it has descended into a progressive woke leftist place.
Every straight white male has a target on his back.
And all it takes is one wrong word, and you’re gone.
I worked with these identical twins, I can’t tell them apart.
Both talented coders.
But they had anger issues.
One, more than the other.
So, he said one wrong word, followed it up with others, and was gone.
Which means I know which one I’m working with now.
Until he gets fired. Or quits.

Angelo, he was a good soldier.
He worked for the captain, he did what he was asked to do.
Kill, steal, whatever.
The captain took orders from the underboss, and the underboss talked to the boss.
When the boss had phone trouble, he called the phone company.
And the FBI told the phone company “We got this.”
And an agent wired in a bug to the line.
When the boss had a problem, Angelo got the orders.
FBI agents they’d finally gotten the boss.
That’s when Angelo knocked on their door.
“You’re the problem,” he said, tossing in the bomb.