Category: My stories

Waiter, Waiter

714396

Like many menus, this menu has a key for spiciness.
More peppers, spicier dish.
It ranges from one to five peppers, but there’s no five-pepper dishes listed.
I ask the waiter, and he turns the menu to the last page.
It’s been torn out.
“Too dangerous,” he mutters. “Chef removed.”
“We’ll see about that,” I said. “Bring me something from that list.”
The kitchen fills with shouting, pots and pans thrown around.
Ten minutes later, the waiter comes out in Hazmat gear, holding a steaming plate of bubbling orange goop.
I ask him what wine goes with it.
He faints.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 80

747949

Abraham Lincoln dragged himself to the bathroom and contemplated the shabby, reed-thin figure that stared back at him.
His knees buckled, and he leaned on a chair to remain standing.
“I must say I do not think myself fit for the Presidency,” he muttered.
“Of course you aren’t,” said Mary Todd. “But think of it this way, dear – you’re much healthier than Douglas.”
“Douglas died last year,” said Lincoln.
“Exactly,” said Mary Todd. “And when I last checked, zombies couldn’t be presidents.”
Lincoln sighed with relief. And then, he wondered aloud: “So why do I still hunger for brains?”

Thou Shalt Not Kill The Messenger

632444

It’s an amazing thing, watching God bend beams of light into unusual shapes in the heavens.
Every night, I sit at the observatory and watch that corner of the cosmos fold and twist.
Of course, I can’t be certain that it’s God doing this, but if it is God, it looks like He’s writing some sort of message.
The problem is, He’s writing it in a manner that makes it impossible for us to read.
From Earth, it’s edge-on sideways.
Is He challenging humanity to explore outer space so we can read it, or…
Does He not know we’re here?

Bum Rush The Charts

721925

I don’t make the music. I make musicians.
I can take any washed-up pampered drug addict, wrap them in spandex, and you can sponsor their next worldwide tour along with every other crappy light beer brewer.
People eat this shit up, so they need something to wash it down with, right?
And its not like we’ve got competition. Where you brew beer by the tanker truck, radio only has our crap to play.
It’s not payola. It’s… business.
Do we have a deal?
Good.
I propose a toast… what? Use your beer?
No thank you. I don’t drink your swill.

The Happy Couple

628195

In the future, couples wishing to marry will be able to create a pair of clones to test their relationship.
While the clones are married and live out their lives, the original couple is deep-frozen and stored in hibernation chambers.
Should the marriage fail, the clones are destroyed and the couple is thawed out so they can break up and go their separate ways.
But if the marriage holds, well, they live out their lives happily ever after.
Of course, the original couple ends up being destroyed.
Love can be weird sometimes, sure, but why ruin a good thing, right?

The Heroes

659692

Every town needs a Hero. It’s the law.
But somehow, those assholes at the ACLU got the courts to rule that the word “A” means “Only one Hero will be allowed in each town.”
Population wasn’t factored in when the law was passed, so even big cities like Metropolis and Gotham only get one hero.
Crime rates skyrocketed. The people cried out for help.
But Heroes face stiff fines and jail time if they don’t allow themselves to be relocated to Hero-less towns across the country.
Those who resisted by going vigilante were hunted down.
By the Heroes, of course.

Swing Hard!

757339

The Presidential Mansion has a birthday party every week, it seems. So many children, grandchildren, cousins, close family friends…
Every birthday party has jugglers, magicians, and marvelous decorations you’d expect from the First Citizen Of All.
But it wouldn’t be complete without the clown.
He stands there, terrified.
“Make me laugh,” commands El Presidente.
The clown falls to his knees, begging for mercy.
“I said make me laugh. Now.”
The clown gets up and tries a little soft-shoe.
El Presidente snaps his fingers, and the clown is strung up along with the piñatas.
Here’s the stick, Paco. Now swing hard!

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 79

794807

The clock struck twelve, and Abraham Lincoln was hungry.
He pounded his fists on the kitchen table.
“Where’s my supper, wife?” he yelled.
“There is no supper today, beloved,” said Mary Todd.
“No supper?” Abe roared.
“No supper,” said Mary Todd. “Kitchen’s closed.”
“Fine,” said Abe. “I shall go to the wall for bread and meat.”
Abe left the kitchen, and Mary Todd scratched her head.
What did Abe mean by ‘the wall’?
Ten hours later, the exhausted president returned, covered in tar and feathers.
“What in God’s name happened?” asked Mary Todd.
“They were out of meat,” said Abe.

Calvin and Dinner

666439

The wonderful thing about tiggers is that they taste delicious.
Ever eaten a tigger? No?
My oh my, if you haven’t eaten a tigger, you just haven’t lived.
It’s been a while since I’ve eaten one. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve seen one.
Have you see any tiggers recently?
No?
I haven’t either.
I keep putting out tigger bait on my tigger traps, but at the end of the day, there’s no tiggers in the tigger traps.
Once, I caught a tiger named Hobbes, but he tasted awful.
I hope I don’t catch any more of those.

Shooter

674422

Joe’s always cracking jokes.
He can’t even go to the bathroom without making a pun.
His favorite is “I’m going to make a deposit at the Bank of American Standard.”
He also bombs Porcelain Harbor a lot.
I told him I was sick of his puns, so he said he was going to shoot himself.
The bathroom door slammed before I could say anything.
We called the police, they sent negotiators, and to make a long story short, he walks out of the bathroom, flipping through his digital camera’s stored images.
“Chip’s full,” he said. “Can I borrow your printer?”