Category: My stories

Dolls

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When Lisa was a little girl, she loved to play with dolls.
But instead of dressing them up for fashion shows, she commanded them to attend tea parties.
Not invited… commanded.
She eventually grew out of playing with dolls, graduating to commanding friends and coworkers around.
It was much more fun commanding them around. After all, humans can feel, worry, think, and fear. Dolls can’t.
One day, she looked around to find herself alone at her tea party of a life, abandoned and lonely.
Still, what a pretty dress she had on. Such a lovely hat, too.
More tea, dear?

Riding Off

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The bad guys were dead and the town was saved.
We rode our horses into the sunset, whooping and hollering as the lights in the theater came up.
Jason and Leroy were unhooking from their immersion seats, saying how awesome the film was, but Eric just sat in his seat with a glassy stare.
An usher asked if he could be of assistance.
“He’s stuck,” I said.
The usher wiped Eric’s chin with a tissue and snapped his fingers three times.
“He’s stuck alright,” said the usher.
Eric never did wake up.
Sometimes, cowboys just keep riding into that sunset.

Champagne

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“A drone is a pilotless aircraft.”
“What?” I shouted.
“A drone is a pilotless aircraft,” repeated the man in the seat next to me.
He was not easy to hear over the screaming of the other passengers.
“I bet they have some peanuts left,” he continued. “Or should we hold out for the champagne from First Class?”
He reached up for the call button, but before he could press it, the other wing tore off.
That’s when he joined in on the screaming.
I guess I’m going to have the push that button myself…
That champagne had better be chilled.

You wimp!

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There’s no shame in losing.
You know you’ve tried your best, but it just wasn’t good enough.
However, there is shame in losing to a little girl.
Especially when it’s a little girl in a pink frilly dress and a sailor’s cap.
Sure, you can claim that she only dresses that way to throw off her opponents, but that’s what you said about the guy in the wheelchair, too.
The man had to speak out commands to roll his motorized chair to get his foot to kick your ass, for crying out loud.
Oh, please.
Stop crying already.
You… wimp.

Worms, dance with me!

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I dance among the worms.
They writhe and twist in the moonlight, swaying in the mist that covers the grass.
I writhe and twist with them, and the grass feels cool against my naked skin.
“Let’s go to the lake,” I tell them, and the worms writhe in agreement and we crawl across the yard to the water’s edge.
Down in to the water I go, my body fills with it. But the worms stay on the shore and wait for my return.
Down… down… down to the bottom of the lake. To the very bottom.
Where I stay.
Forever.

When life hands you masks, make masquerade

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It looks like I have rows and rows of jars of preserves in my basement, but when I turn on the light, you can clearly see the faces within.
That’s what I do: take faces. preserve the beauty for all time and unmask the true person inside.
Early in my career, my victims died. But with practice, I’ve gotten much better at it. I haven’t taken a life while taking a face for a while now, and they come off much more cleanly.
Soon, I’ll be ready to remove my own.
Midnight is coming, and all masks are coming off.

Belt Tightening

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Report To Corporate: We don’t like the new General Manager you sent us.
First off, he’s not Spacer. You lied about promoting from within.
Then he says he understands the gravity of the situation, despite this manufacturing facility being in orbit and near-zero gravity.
Next, he says we need to do a little belt-tightening, despite this manufacturing facility being a protected Clothing-Optional Zone.
So, I told the Nudists Union we’re going on strike.
That’s when he asked me if I cared to step outside.
Sure. Here’s the airlock, pal.
His body can be found trailing our facility by 45 seconds.

Dumb Bunny

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There we were, trying to eat a little breakfast before the daily crucifixions, when this big white rabbit shows up.
“Hey, kids!” he shouted.
Kids? We’re Roman centurions.
He then pokes his nose into each bowl, splashing gruel all over the table. “Where’s the cereal?” he asks.
“Halt, rabbit!” growled the unit commander.
But the rabbit wouldn’t stop, and his furry feet kicked the bowls all over our uniforms.
“Where’s the Trix?” he cried.
Later that afternoon, we nailed him up with the thieves and the loudmouth carpenter.
What a silly rabbit. Didn’t he know that Trix are for Yids?

Gun Safety Lesson

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Once upon a time, there was a little boy with a very large gun.
His father always kept it in the nightstand, and it didn’t have a child safety lock.
The boy knew the gun was in there unlocked. So, standing on his very tippy toes, reaching, he got it out.
Looking over the gun, he checked to see if it was loaded.
Sure enough, it was.
And it was in his hands.
So, the little boy took the child safety lock out of the shopping bag and locked it up.
But he forgot to give his father the key.

Brush

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Mommy taught me well. I always brush my teeth before I go to bed.
Even the ones that have fallen out.
No, Mommy didn’t teach me that.
At first, I was just brushing the baby teeth in my drawer. But despite my regimen of brushing and flossing, there’s more teeth in there to brush now.
Whether in my mouth or in my drawer, thirty-two times for each tooth.
So, do you want the housekeeping job?
Yes?
Well, that’s great. You can start tomorrow.
Oh, and that thing you had asked about before – yes, we have a dental plan here.