Category: My stories

Eden

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Ever since those humans were kicked out, it’s been pretty quiet back here in the Garden of Eden.
I’m the Gardener. I take care of the Garden.
Every day, I do an inventory of all the animals, just to make sure none are missing. They never do, but it doesn’t hurt to check.
Someone could get eaten by accident. Somehow.
Well, not really. There’s no need to eat here. Not even plants. Just soak up sunshine and dream all day long in perfect eternity.
Don’t tell God, but every now and then I punch a giraffe. Just for fuck’s sake.

Roast Duck

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During the winter, the King’s servants and advisors moved into the central rooms to converse fuel.
The oddest couple was the pairing of the court wizard and the head chef.
One night, the alarm was raised: ice demons at the gate!
The wizard grabbed a spell book and raced to the fight.
Without looking, he flipped to the page with Firestorm.
He read off a recipe for Roasted Rosemary Duck instead.
“It’s a cookbook?” he muttered.
The chef handed him another book. “I think this is yours,” he said.
They won the fight, and feasted on Roast Duck to celebrate.

Confessor

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We’re not sure how he did it, but all of the evidence points to this guy who walked in and confessed to the murder.
There’s one problem, though. The murder took place in the Fifteenth Century. A simple assassination in Rome. A bishop history barely remembers.
Fingerprints, DNA, and a painting from the time confirm it’s him.
Not just a long-distant ancestor. It’s actually him. He did it.
There’s no statute of limitations on murder and he’s confessed to the crime, so we’re going ahead with the trial.
Maybe he’ll tell us how he did it. And maybe he won’t.

Unfresh Air

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Nobody says “Go outside for some fresh air” anymore. We’ve pumped so much crap into the sky, nobody can breathe without a filter bubble or a set of tanks.
A few other things have changed. Tunnels, domes, and electric vehicles. Also lots of genetically-engineered plants people hope will eat up all the chemicals in the air.
It’s not working. The air just gets worse and worse.
They could have put Wrigley Field under a dome, but the Cubs decided to just tear it down and build a new ballpark.
First year in it, they win the World Series.
Who knew?

Grow

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We only regrow accident victims. We don’t touch terminal diseases.
It’s hard to explain widespread cancer miraculously disappearing. But you can always say they’ve just come out of a coma after taking months to heal their “nonfatal” injuries.
Add a few scars, flash the memory – they’re back.
Now, sometimes the growth-accelerants fail to slow down when halted. We test for that, but sometimes an age spurt kinda kicks in.
As opposed to Peter Pans, who never grow old.
Ever wonder why some child stars die young from drugs or accidents?
Can’t have them living forever.
That’s what reruns are for.

She’s Hot

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Yeah, Janey’s hot compared to these other ugly, repulsive circus freaks.
But I think you need to know the whole story.
Did you notice that her profile says she likes cigarettes, but she says she’s a non-smoker?
Want to know why?
She uses them to burn herself. She’s got a whole bunch of scars on her arms.
That’s why her photo shows her wearing long sleeves.
There’s only one thing she likes more than burning herself with cigarettes.
Being held down by someone else while they burn her.
So, want her number, or would you rather date the fat chick?

The Witch Doctor

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I carried Bobby’s mangled corpse to the Witch Doctor, begging him to do something.
“Sure,” said the Witch Doctor. “Stand back.”
I stepped back and watched the Witch Doctor mix up various ingredients in a gigantic boiling pot.
He poured out the contents on the broken body and chanted some kind of magic spell.
An hour later, Bobby’s wounds were healed and broken bones were straightened.
Good as new. Almost.
“He’s not moving,” I said. “Is he alive?”
“Alive?” asked the Witch Doctor. “I’m sorry. I thought you were from the morticians’. You want this one alive? Man, you’re fucked.”

Sol de Loco

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Luis and Hector were waxing the Camaro when Apollo The Sun God showed up.
“I need a favor,” he said. “My chariot’s in the shop. Can you pull the sun across the sky today?”
Luis and Hector looked at the Sun God, looked at each other, and then high-fived.
“Nothing fancy, okay?” said Apollo.
“Sure thing, Mister,” said Luis. Hector nodded.
Sometime around Noon, the Camaro’s rear end burst into flames.
Apollo watched the Camaro, the Sun, and the two volunteers fall from the sky.
“I guess they didn’t use a second layer of wax,” said Apollo. “Just like Icarus.”

Eat You Up

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“You’re so cute, I could just eat you up,” said Ben to Vicki. “So I will.”
Then he beat her skull in with a hammer.
Not even a scream. One minute, she was staring up at him, and then next she was a bloody heap on the floor.
Ben made the rookie mistake of freezing her before cutting her up. Everybody knows that you should cut up your meat fresh and then freeze it.
Okay, maybe not everybody, but Ben should have done his homework before bashing in Vicki’s brains.
In the end, she was only good for soup stock.

Waking up

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Ned was laying on the couch when he woke up.
His roommate John was staring at him.
“What?” said Ned.
“You just appeared out of thin air, man,” said John. “Once second nothing’s there, and then all of the sudden- you appear.”
“Oh,” said Ned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t explain. I always wake up on the couch.”
“No matter where you fall asleep?” asked John
“Yup,” said Ned. “I know why, but it’s hard to explain.”
“Wicked,” said John. “Ever thought about using that to rob a bank?”
“No,” said Ned. “But it did get me out of jail once.”