Category: My stories

Set The Alarm

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Susan set her alarm to six-thirty, and she woke up at six-thirty.
Susan set her alarm to six, and she woke up at six.
She then set her alarm to nineteen forty-one.
Sure enough, she woke up in 1941. People were walking around and going about their lives without a clue as to what horrors of war were right around the corner.
She tried all sorts of times in the past. She even tried a few in the future.
Susan set her alarm back to seven, and she woke up at seven.
Her stupid boss fired her for being late.

Lawyerbot

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Lawyers who had defended the most savage and brutal mass-murdering war criminals had refused his case. Not even for tens of billions of dollars.
“Keep your blood money,” they told the multi-billionaire software mogul..
So, faced with using court-appointed chumps, he decided to defend himself.
He took a long weekend to re-engineer his massive search engines to scour every law book, every court record, and every TV court drama script.
The beta hung the jury. And the Gold release won.
As revenge, he distributed the Lawyerbot program for free.
Lawyers sued to stop him. But Lawyerbot beat them, of course.

Cones

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Tomorrow, all across the world, every orange traffic cone will vanish.
Then, three seconds later, they will reappear just as suddenly as they vanished.
Nobody will realize that they’ve been gone.
They’ve trained us not to notice.
Over the decades, the traffic cones have been watching us, manipulating us, learning our weaknesses.
They especially like construction zones. They think we’re at our most interesting there.
When construction begins on something, they show up. Then, when it’s done, they hang around for a little bit before moving on to somewhere else.
They also like watching driving lessons, just for danger’s sake.

Twinned

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It’s easy when the parents agree who gets custody.
It sucks when they don’t.
Until now, thanks to Cybertwinning.
In less than 24 hours, we can give each parent the child.
One is real. The other isn’t.
Can you tell? Only we can.
Synchrocaps exchange memories between the two, maintaining the illusion that both parents raise the child. It’s disorienting at first, but kids adapt.
Adults don’t. That’s why the kids often go insane when they’re no longer Twinned.
Which is why I’m asking that you have your lawyers talk one last time, please.
For the sake of your child.

Cat Chakras

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All this New Age stuff may seem bogus to you, but all of it’s real for people. And pets.
Chakras? Cats have ’em.
No two cats have chakras located in the same place, though. That’s why one cat will insist that you pet them on the back while other will demand that you scratch their ears and massage all of their paws at once.
If you encounter a cat who is hostile to any attempt to pet them, it is not for a lack of chakras, but that you just haven’t found them yet.
Or the cat may be nuts.

Inkblots

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Every inkblot is a confession.
The first shows a child of nine stealing candy bars from the drugstore.
The second shows an angry teen setting fire to the home of the rival to his affections. Romeo burns. Juliet burns.
The third reveals another theft – test scores for his university admissions exam. A+!
The final one shows his business partner allowed to choke to death after a discussion about insurance.
Wait. There’s one more left, doc?
Hold still. Let’s see… that’s you. And me. Standing over you.
No idea how I kill you, but I’ll try to make it interesting.

Killer Mistake

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“Just type the name and press the Enter key,” the KillKiosk said.
Bart typed in MOLLY MARGARET and hit Enter.
“There,” he said.
“Thank you,” said the KillKiosk. “Margaret Molly will be dead by nine AM tomorrow or your money back.”
Bart looked at the screen and realized the thing wanted the last name first.
“Crap!” he shouted.
He tried tapping on a few keys, but all he got was NO EXCHANGES OR REFUNDS.
“Screw it,” said Bart and he typed in MARGARET MOLLY.
He’s just refuse the charges and let Killkiosk fight it out with the credit card company.

Crown Of Foam

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Earl screamed in agony.
The slightest jostle could set his scalp on fire and fill his ears with boiling waves.
“Sit still,” said the scanner operator.
“I try,” said Earl. “God knows I try.”
The doctors found nothing, prescribing him so many pills until he realized that they had no idea what was wrong with him.
After two months, Earl firmly believed that his mind was a fish in glass bowl full of boiling water, swimming around while suffering.
So he declared himself Prince of the Glass Palace, built a crown of foam rubber, and stayed on his padded throne.

Dreamthief

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People are stealing my dreams and posting them online.
I have no idea who is doing it or how they are doing it, but the dreams I have while I’m asleep appear on the Internet the next morning.
The more vivid the dream, the more vivid the form in which it appears.
For a while, I wondered how they did it. I tore apart pillows, alarm clocks, my ceiling lamp… anything a mind-reading sensor or recorder could conceivably be hidden in.
I never found any.
Maybe this podcasted story is one of my dreams, stolen and posted online?
Thieving bastards.

Giving the fingers

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Ever say something you wish you could take back?
Mine’s easy. It’s: “If you’re going to censor people’s free speech for fear of offending anyone, why not just cut off everyone’s middle finger while you’re at it?”
Five weeks later, and I’m sitting on top of the largest pile of severed middle fingers in history. It’s a bloody, rotting heap of madness, and it’s getting bigger by the pair.
I think it’s some kind of World Record. World’s largest pile of severed human appendages. The guys who confirm those things came by last week.
And lost their middle fingers, too.