Category: My stories

Farmer Smith was a strange little man, dressed in purple robes and a black top hat. He set up a tent at the farmers market every Saturday, laying out the most unusual fruits and vegetables. They looked similar to bananas and oranges and apples and cherries, but he said they were foreign varieties that he had grafted in order to grow domestically. Which makes sense. I’ve seen photos of bananas and mangoes that grow around the world and they look nothing like the boring yellow ones we have here. He always sells out, packs his table, and tent, smiling wide.

Bless his heart, the Lake George Foreman named all of his sons after himself. I mean, if you want to do that, OK, but when they grow up to be the mayor, governor, congressman, Senator, vice president, and president, you’re not doing the country any favors. Some people on the press would use their numbers like fifth and fourth. Others just use their titles. In the end, nobody really cared since they all ended up doing a really good job and were reelected time and time again, and retired into various jobs in the community. Except for one, that jerk.

It was weird how McCafferty just showed up one day at a team meeting. There wasn’t a job posting, there weren’t any interviews. He just showed up one day and he had a badge and a laptop and a parking space. Human resources didn’t remember hiring him, and the boss didn’t remember anything. And he knew the company and the projects and all of our platforms and software and tools perfectly from day one. The next day, he was gone. No one remembered him ever having been there. It made me wonder about my own existence and I’d disappear suddenly.

My wife and I had work schedules that made it difficult to get to the bank together, but my mother always insisted on putting both of our names on any checks she sent us. I told her not to do that, but she kept doing it. I’d end up shredding the checks because it was so inconvenient to cash them. When my parents had financial difficulties, I would make the checks out to my mother and a completely random person. That way, it was just as inconvenient if not impossible for her to cash those checks. Turnabout is fair play.

Before a soldier is cloned and his backup, reloaded, instructors walk them through the situation that got them killed. Haverford have been killed 23 times before he got out of Boot Camp, and every time, it look like he learned from his mistake, but he’d make an all new mistake. When he finally made it out to the front lines, he was an absolute machine. He cut through the enemies position like a hot knife through butter. He racked up every metal available. The instructors patted him on the back, not knowing they had installed a different soldiers memory pack.

It was a sad day at action Park. Johnny, the lifeguard had drowned. The Park owner insisted on giving him a Viking funeral. They found a bumper boat in the maintenance shed with a busted engine they could use. They threw his body in it and set it on the wave pool. They tossed in some wood and newspaper and gasoline, and when it was time through in a lit match. It took them three tries before the fire caught. All the other guests and staff raised their beers to toast Johnny. During the ceremony, two more stupid kids drowned.

I live in a small town just outside of another small town and everything here is walking distance. The grocery store, the pharmacy, my doctor, my dentist, everything. I do a lot of walking through the trees and the paths. It’s healthy, unless walking in the bright sunlight without sunscreen, through mosquito season without repellent, or I pick up a cheeseburger at the burger joint which I have to walk even more to burn off. But in my defense, I don’t get fries or a shake. So in the end, it all balances out until somebody’s car will hit me

I watched a video of how they harvest almonds. They’ve got this pair of tractors, one with a gripper that shakes the tree and another that puts kind of a tarp basket under it to catch all the almonds that shake off. They do this with other trees for harvesting. I’d figure it would work with my cousin Ortho, who has really horrible dandruff. We snuck into McGregor‘s farm and got the shaker tractor going. Ortho wound up with two broken legs and a concussion. And the dumbass forgot to take off his hat, so we’ll go out there again.

Edward noticed a discrepancy. A lot more people were dying in nursing homes than when a robot was sent out to help someone with in a home care. The statistics showed an elevated number of assisted suicide requests in the nursing homes. And a few had elevated medication error rates. Because of the turnover, nursing homes could turn through residence were frequently and collect more down payments. Several years later, after all the settlements, Edward retired to a resort on a Caribbean island. All human staff. Not a single robot. his nurse poisoned him, stole his money, and completely vanished.

Sometimes, father Burke would lose it during confessions and yell I wish I had held you under the water in the baptismal font until the bubble stopped. I mean, that’s perfectly understandable for serious things like murder and rape, but littering is not as bad. Unless of course the person threw a banana peel on the sidewalk and father Burke slipped on it and broke his leg. Jenny burst from the confessional, crying and running, father Burke tried to chase after her, but with his cast and crutches he wasn’t fast enough. He smack her during choir practice, he figured.