Category: My stories

A tornado wiped Hamilton off of the map. The handful of survivors thanked God for sparing them. Little did they know it had been God that had killed their community. The mayor of the adjoining town Bowden regularly conducted animal and human sacrifices to convince God to spare his city. And God would send his wrath to Hamilton. However, the humans and animals the mayor would sacrifice had come from Hamilton, and as the survivors abandoned the runs, another storm was brewing. Nobody wanted to volunteer for a ritual sacrifice. By the time they drew lots, the tornadoes were coming.

Agent 12 accidentally tripped an alarm. The office he was in was surrounded and there was no exit. He didn’t have anything useful in the office that could be use as a weapon to fight his way out. His orders were blunt? Do not be captured alive. He took out a pill from my pocket and looked at it. Then he put it in his mouth and put down on it. He’d heard that the poison would taste like almonds, but it taste like watermelon. Then he wondered. And felt bad for the kid he’d given some candy to.

Insurance auditor checked the statistics of Highway 10 and noticed a dramatic increase in the number of accident claims. He drove down to Highway 10 and didn’t notice anything unusual. No construction, no dangerous on ramps or off ramps. So he turned around and was coming home when he noticed a billboard with one of those codes you scan with your phone on it so he did and promptly got into an accident. When he came to in the emergency room, he picked up his phone. Through the cracked screen, saw the code was for his insurance company’s website.

50 years ago, Hamilton Gotha appeared as Blitzkrieg on the German version of the American gladiators television series. Just like his American counterpart, when he wasn’t on camera, he was soaking in ice baths and shooting up with steroids and painkillers. He knocked out a lot of contestants, and put several in the hospital. When he killed a contestant on the Thunderball game, the series was suspended and Hamilton was arrested. The charges were reduced to unintentional manslaughter. He was released and put on probation. These days, he runs a bar in Berlin and cuts off, overly intoxicated customers quickly.

There’s this movie that’s out from a famous director that’s supposed to be really epic and powerful and amazing on giant screens. And there is a big screen in the resort town across the bridge. However, they say that the sound mixing is bad and muddy and my hearing isn’t so great. And there’s some really goofy casting that are politically motivated. However, reviewers on both sides of the political spectrum say it is a spectacle. One that you have to see on the big screen. But it’s three hours long, and I’d have to go to the bathroom twice.

When I work for a company, sometimes they send out marketing swag. Little worthless trinkets that have the company logo on them. When I leave a company, I tend to throw these away. Unless they’re really useful, like an Eddie Bauer travel cooler that was really nice, but it had the company name on the side. I don’t want to be reminded of this company every time I use it.. I tried to cover up the logo, but in the end, I gave the cooler away to a friend.. let them associate the cooler with me so it’s good memories

You know who lives at 10 Downing Street, but do you know who lives at 11 Downing Street?
It’s Nigel Smith. He’s lived across the way from the Prime Minister for thirty years.
And he hates it.
Every morning, some reporter or security guard steals his newspaper or a bottle of milk from his delivery.
It’s so hard to get to his car with the crowds of press.
And the noise at all hours from protestors shouting and throwing things.
Why doesn’t he move somewhere quieter?
“I was here first!” he growls. “Make that pompous arsehole and his gang move!”

My cousin Maynard was a creepy kid. In kindergarten, other kids drew hopscotch on the playground. He do scary chalk outlines and would smuggle ketchup in his lunch bag to accessorize the outline. When the teacher and principal banned all chalk from the playground and searched Maynard’s lunch bag, he pondered finding a way to keep doing his art. That’s when they found the body in the playground. The police took photos drone outline, took the body away for an autopsy. The official cause was cirrhosis of the liver, but somehow they blamed Maynard. I never saw that kid again.

Don and John Duncan loved to make donuts. Their mom had a doughnut making machine in the kitchen, and they spent all day mixing up batter, frosting, and sprinkles. They came up with some really weird recipes and designs. Every Halloween, the Duncan house was the most popular house on the block. Instead of going to some college, they spent their savings on buying a bakery. Everyone bought donuts at Duncan Brothers. Until a certain multinational conglomerate sued them for using that name. They agreed to change it, and they changed the sign, but people still called it Duncan Brothers.

The Brown Twins were great at every sport. Basketball football baseball track. You name it, they were the best at it. Willie became known as Touchdown Brown, while Moses got named Hoops Brown. They went to different colleges on scholarships so that they wouldn’t take any starts or opportunities away from each other. Despite their names, they still played in all of the sports. The thing is, it was Moses that ended up a football star while Willie was a basketball star. They’re now both known as Dr Brown. Pediatricians. I think the world‘s a better place because of that.