Category: Oh Jesus

Now It Puts Down The Pad Thai Or It Gets The Hose

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Tired with trying to figure out what He was thinking with the platypus, God decided to check the mail.
He walked up to The Wall and pulled a note through the stones.
“Oh dear god, what is that smell?”
God stepped back and sniffed.
Rotten… sweet… fish?
“Jesus!” he groaned, looking at His son. “What the Hell is that crap you’re wearing?”
“Wearing?” said Jesus. “Oh, no. I was working on a Pad Thai and… I must have splashed myself with the fish sauce!”
God grumbled, got out the hose, and said:”Now don’t go turning this into wine, kid…”

Fishes and Loaves

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You’d think being Jesus Christ’s roommate would be cool, right?
Wrong, man. The guy’s seriously fucked up.
First off, the shit he does with his pet goldfish. He brings his friends over, multiples the thing, and eats all of the fishes alive except one.
Sticks that last one back in the fishbowl for the next time.
Then there’s the toaster. Sticks two slices of bread in the thing, thousands of slices pop out.
Crumbles it all up to feed the birds in the park.
I’d throw him out, but he keeps promising to cure my leprosy.
He never does, though.

Dancing Pinhead

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Gabriel landed at Heaven’s gates and screamed with agony, tucking into a ball and clutching his shredded, bloody sandals.
“So, did you find out how many of you can dance on the head of a pin?” asked Jesus.
“The head of a pin?” groaned Gabriel. “Wait… that’s the round flat part of it, right? And not the sharp pointy end?”
“You’re going to need new sandals, aren’t you?” Jesus sighed.
Gabriel crawled to the Quartermaster.
Jesus pulled out God’s Big Ledger Of Mysteries, wrote “It takes two to tango” in it by Angels Dancing On Pinhead, and snapped it shut.

The Bullet in the Bible

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bang*
Bucktooth Billy lay on his back in the dusty street.
He sat up and felt his chest.
No blood. His Bible had stopped the bullet.
Billy held it up, laughing.
“Holy shit!” he shouted. “Lucky Bible! Jesus has saved me!”
The gunslinger walked up to Billy and looked at the bullet-pierced Bible.
“So He has,” said the scowling figure. “Right up to Deuteronomy.”
“It’s a miracle!” shouted Billy. “I am reborn! I will fight no more and stand at the right side of The Lord!”
“Here,” said the gunslinger. “Let me help.”
The gunslinger shot Billy in the head.

Eden

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Ever since those humans were kicked out, it’s been pretty quiet back here in the Garden of Eden.
I’m the Gardener. I take care of the Garden.
Every day, I do an inventory of all the animals, just to make sure none are missing. They never do, but it doesn’t hurt to check.
Someone could get eaten by accident. Somehow.
Well, not really. There’s no need to eat here. Not even plants. Just soak up sunshine and dream all day long in perfect eternity.
Don’t tell God, but every now and then I punch a giraffe. Just for fuck’s sake.

One Blow

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The Angel Gabriel sat on the curb and wept at the destruction and misery he’d witnessed over the centuries.
“It’s all my fault,” he moaned. “If I hadn’t lost my trumpet, I’d have ended this a long time ago.”
He’d backtraced his steps many times, but they all led back to a pub where he’d drunkenly pawned his horn for a bottle of whiskey.
The curb he sat on was in front of the skyscraper built where the pub used to be.
Sighing, Gabriel pulled out a handkerchief and blew his nose.
The skyscraper wobbled, and Reality began to fade.

The Gates Of Heaven

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Centuries went by, and Peter made a list of the things that annoyed him about Heaven.
He wondered about the Pearly Gates. Why have gates without a fence?
Then there were the harps. They were all left-handed.
Finally, nobody was sweeping up all the molting from the angels’ wings. Feathers feathers, everywhere.
One day, there was a lull in the death count, or maybe everybody dying that day was far too evil.
Either way, he had some time, so he asked God about his list.
God smiled. “I work in mysterious ways.”
Peter nodded, and went back to the Gates.

Return To Ascender

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“Ever since he came back, he’s been a real dick,” said Luke.
“We were out walking when we saw a boy with a crippled leg,” Matthew said. “He begged to be healed, but Jesus broke his crutch and struck him lame in the other leg.”
“Don’t forget the wine!” said Timothy. “We were going to celebrate his return, but he waves his hands and poof! It’s turned into water.”
“There’s no way we can make this church work with him screwing around,” said Mark. “Finish him off?”
Everybody nodded, and they drew straws.
“We’ll just say he… ascended,” said Luke.

Par Of Dice

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“God does not play dice with the universe,” said the old professor, “He plays dice with the Franelli Brothers in the alley.”
Joe, Luigi, God, and Tony were huddled around a pile of money, some beer bottles, a pizza box, and a pair of dice.
God picked them up. “Baby needs a new crown of thorns,” he muttered, and threw.
“Why do you let bad things happen to good people?” I asked.
“Because they don’t pay up,” said Joe.
Luigi laughed and looked at God. “Is we forgiven?”
“Yeah, yeah,” said God. “Pass the bones, Jack. I’m feeling lucky tonight!”

Stairway To Heaven

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Lisa walked up the staircase for weeks until she reached Heaven.
She knocked twice on the door, waited for a moment, and then knocked three more times.
The door creaked open and a bearded man poked his head out.
“What is it?” asked the old man.
“Why?” asked Lisa.
The old man scratched his beard and thought for a moment.
“There was a lot left over from my first project, so I decided to build something with the scraps,” he said, and then he leaned back and closed the door.
Lisa sat on the staircase for a while and pondered.