Category: Halloween

I want nothing from you.
You’ve given me more than enough.
And none of it good.
So, leave me nothing in your will.
You being dead, and knowing you’re dead, is enough for me.
Knowing I’ll never hear another lie, another angry phone call, another hateful message on my machine.
Anything you’d leave me, I’d put in a pile in the driveway.
Then I’d pour gasoline over it and toss a match on it.
I’d roast marshmallows.
Smear them on graham crackers and add chocolate bars.
Bought with my own money, of course.
While yours burns in the flickering pile.

The robot girl had a display screen for a face.
Usually, it displayed a beautiful face.
But every so often, the face would vanish and a menu would appear.
The user would need to select an option from the menu.
Usually, the menu offered a list of actions.
Things the user wanted the robot to do.
But sometimes, the menu would ask a question.
When the police arrived, they found the robot girl holding a bloody knife, standing over her owner.
“DO YOU LOVE ME?” appeared on her bloodsoaked face.
When we checked her log file, the answer was YES.

When we arrived, we found the land already occupied.
So, we introduced diseases into the population, and waited.
People died, crops died.
And after five years, the land was ours.
We put on environment suits and explored the countryside.
Abandoned villages full of rotting bodies, nature reclaiming the paths and clearings.
Crews cleaned up one location after another, establishing colonies.
Until there was no sign of the previous population. Only us.
We had conquered the world.
That’s when a light appeared in the sky.
Two. Five. Dozens. Thousands.
They scattered glowing capsules everywhere.
And we clutched our throats and screamed.

We’d gotten a report that seven miners had kidnapped a girl and made her their domestic slave.
So, we took up positions around the cottage and demanded that they release the girl.
When they refused, we tossed in tear gas and stun grenades, but nobody left the building.
“Bring out the tank,” I said, and the breach vehicle rolled up on the front door, caving in the cottage’s walls and roof.
“Well, crap,” I said. “See if there’s any survivors.”
There weren’t any.
“Sorry your majesty,” I told the queen.
“Don’t be,” said the queen, patting her mirror. “Everything’s fine.”

If you’ve been bad, they send you to The Gooch.
Nobody can spell her name or pronounce it right, so we all just call her The Gooch.
Even the teachers call her that.
“That’s enough out of you,” they say. “Go see The Gooch.”
Nobody ever actually saw The Gooch.
She kept her office dark.
And there was a desk lamp, shining right in your face.
Maybe if you squinted, you could see her fingernails clacking on her desk.
When she was happy, she’d smile, and you’d see the whites of her fangs.
Or, if angry, her glowing red eyes.

Ned is cheap.
He wears a Santa Claus suit as a costume for Halloween.
“Christmas is two months away,” we tell him.
“Plenty of time to party then!” he’d shout, and throw back another shot of whiskey.
He’ll drink himself under the table soon enough. Always does.
I can’t blame him for dressing up like Santa, though.
I mean, he really looks the part. Fat with white hair and a big white beard.
And he never has to throw a Christmas party. He gets invited to all the parties as the Santa.
In spite of being a cheap drunken wretch.

Every year, I try to write Halloween stories for October and holiday stories for December.
I also try to write pirate stories for September, but those are easy to write any time of the year.
Halloween stories need inspiration from horror and Halloween seasonal stuff, and that only comes around Halloween.
At least with Christmas, the Hallmark Channel plays Christmas in July stuff.
Not that I can stand watching that mawkish formulaic stuff.
It’s all about some chick or guy going to a small town, finding love, and settling down.
Which I find horrifying… almost enough to inspire Halloween stories.

I remember when there were just plain M&Ms.
Then came peanut M&Ms. They were great.
After that came almond M&Ms, but only for a limited time.
And then, they seemed to come up with a new flavor or variety every week.
I like to get different varieties of them, mix them up in a bowl, and put them in a candy dispenser.
It’s total chance what kind you’ll get.
A bit of this, a bit of that. A handful of mystery and surprise.
And, because it’s guaranteed to trigger any possible allergy, i leave out a stack of epipens, too.

Freddy loved Halloween.
From the Trick or Treating to the costumes and apple-bobbing, he loved it all.
Every year, he dressed as a mummy, and you could almost swear he was a real mummy.
Then, one day, Freddy died.
His will left explicit instructions to authentically mummify him.
Experts were brought in to perform the proper rituals and procedures, even hooking out his brain through his nose and putting his innards in canopic jars.
And sure enough, the next Halloween, Freddy was out there, joining in the Halloween revelry.
Some say we’re cursed by Freddy, but I say we’re blessed.

Teddy earned a buck every time he shoveled the driveway.
So, he shoveled the driveway five times a day.
Even in the summertime.
“That’s not how it works, Teddy,” said his dad. “If you want to earn more, go shovel other people’s driveways.”
So, Teddy did. And he came back to his dad looking to get paid.
“That’s not how it works, either,” said his dad. “They need to pay you for shoveling their driveways.”
So Teddy attacked his dad with the snow shovel.
Now Teddy shovels the driveway at the reform school.
And they don’t pay him a dime.