Category: Halloween

Before Dr. Victor Frankenstein became obsessed with bringing dead tissue back to life, he was obsessed with bringing The Beatles back together.
Many experts agreed that getting rid of Yoko Ono would solve the problem, but Victor knew that the real problem was Linda McCartney.
Victor spent many nights trying to calculate the proper solution.
After ten years, he’d finally done it.
He ran to the local newspaper office with his findings, only to discover that John Lennon had been killed.
Victor sighed, went back to the drawing board, and began working on a solution to that even bigger problem.

After every Halloween, Mom would take us to the airport where they’d offer to X-ray bags of candy to check for razors and tacks and other dangerous items.
The security people never found anything in the candy.
Then Mom would give us each some of the candy.
But then, some of it wasn’t what we’d actually gotten from the neighborhood.
Full-sized Snickers and Three Musketeers bars?
“I don’t remember getting these, do you?” I asked my brothers.
They didn’t care. Bigger was better.
I didn’t eat any. Which is why I survived.
Don’t take candy from strangers.
Or family, either.

I think the whole point of going out for Halloween is to steal good ideas for next year’s Halloween.
The problem is, of course, that everyone else has the same idea, so everyone ends up looking the same the next year.
Well, except for those crazies who put a lot of electronics and carpentry and sewing into their costume.
That crap takes effort.
I always end up buying a cheap mask and plastic smock from Wal-Mart.
Back when I was a kid, it was embarrassing to have that.
Now, it’s kitschy and retro.
Everyone will be doing it next year.

Dr. Jeckyll created a potion that transformed him into Mister Hyde.
Mister Hyde insisted that he be called Dr. Hyde, but nobody would.
“Did you go to medical school?” said the angry mob. “Where is your medical license?”
Mister Hyde applied to several medical schools, but he was rejected from them all.
Even the ones in South America who take pretty much anybody who has the money.
He tried to connive an honorary doctorate from a prestigious university, claiming to have invented the transformation formula himself, but the administration said no, and Hyde’s bloody rampage did his case no service.

This is what it sounds like when the doves talk shit about you behind your back.
This is what it sounds like when the doves laugh about it, those goddamed doves.
This is what it sounds like when the doves stop laughing and see that you’ve got a pellet gun in your hands.
This is what it sounds like when the doves scatter as you shoot them mercilessly with the pellet gun.
This is what it sounds like when the doves see their relatives lying dead on the sidewalk.
And this is what it sounds like when the doves cry.

By night, Castle Dracula was the dark prince’s sanctuary.
But when the sun came up, laying down to rest, he never quite rested well.
Dracula hated depending on human slaves to mind his castle during the daytime.
More than once, he found his armored coffin sitting on railroad tracks or at the bottom of a lake.
He already used roombas to sweep the halls… why not use robots and home automation for everything else?
One by one, Dracula rolled out the computerized improvements, and he called each servant into his chambers to relieve them of their duties.
And their blood.

When the Army heard about a seemingly unstoppable psychotic Chucky doll rampaging through the suburbs, killing people, they didn’t send in the troops to stop it.
They sent in the experts to capture it and figure out how to make more.
“Imagine dropping a thousand of these on an enemy city,” said the Army Chief of Staff.
“There be collateral damage, civilian casualties,” said his assistant. “And how do we control these things?”
The general didn’t care… until The Pentagon’s alarms went off.
He looked at the security monitor: a wave of rampaging, knife-waving Chucky dolls coming down the halls.

Ted’s doctor recommended that he change to a plant-based diet, so out went the hamburgers and steaks and in came the salads.
Ted was miserable, until his pal Martin reminded him that potatoes were plants.
“And they’re fried in vegetable oil, and vegetables are good for you,” Martin said.
“Oh, and you dip them in ketchup, which is tomato, right?” said Ted.
Eventually, Ted convinced himself that grain-fed steak was also plant-based.
The room began to sway and Ted fell to the ground.
“Heart attack,” said the paramedics.
They dropped Ted off at the morgue and went out for steaks.

I remember watching a movie about giant ants attacking a town and wondering why they didn’t just hold a giant picnic to lure the ants away.
“What happens when the picnic runs out of food?” my mother asked.
“That’s when the poison in it should start killing the ants,” I replied.
My mother smirked, then got a glassy look in her eyes.
And fell face-down in the Jell-o mold.
I cleared away the plates and dishes, packed them in the picnic basket, and wrapped her in the picnic blanket.
I’d have to go back to the car for the shovel.

Every Summer, my parents sent me to Camp Killer With A Hockey Mask.
At first, I was worried that I would be killed by a killer in a hockey mask.
But apparently, the camp’s name comes from the local Indian tribe.
It’s just a coincidence that their tribe’s name resembles our words for a killer with a hockey mask.
This was a relief… until campers started to disappear.
“Oh, that’s because the tribe’s name actually translates to Killer With A Machete,” said the chief counselor.
He picked up a bloody machete from his desk… and put on a hockey mask.