You send me messages, you bang on the door, but I don’t feel like talking.
Most people say “I don’t feel like talking” but that’s talking.
And I don’t feel like talking. At all.
So, I don’t respond at all.
More messages. More screams. “Why aren’t you talking to me?”
I know why, and I could tell you, boy, could I tell you.
But, once again, I don’t feel like talking.
So, I say nothing.
For days… weeks…
The nights are colder, quieter.
And I reach for the door to the basement.
But you’ve probably starved to death by now.
Category: Halloween
Doctor Odd and Killbot
They say that if you love something, set it free, and if the love is true, it will come back.
Doctor Odd loved Killbot, his finest creation.
“Go,” said Doctor Odd, pushing Killbot out the door. “Be free.”
Killbot downloaded maps and calculated the most efficient route through the city.
For three weeks, Doctor Odd sat on the porch, watching the carnage.
And then, he saw the red glow of Killbot’s eyes.
It was back!
“You really love me!” shouted Doctor Odd.
Then he remotely turned Killbot off.
Love may be blind, but sometimes facial recognition algorithms can be unreliable.
Jason and the soup
It’s not a good idea to get between Jason and his vegetable soup.
Jason really likes vegetable soup, and he’ll do anything to get it.
Sure, Jason is in a wheelchair, and he has a robot that spoons vegetable soup to his mouth, but that robot arm can do some nasty things.
Once, this nurse got between Jason and his vegetable soup.
She isn’t his nurse anymore.
She barely survived, and ended up in a wheelchair, also being fed soup by a robotic arm.
Jason likes to park his wheelchair between her and her soup, just to rub it in.
Costume Crafting
Popular culture moves so quickly these days.
It’s hard to manufacture relevant and topical Halloween costumes in time to reach the market.
By the time something hits the shelves, it’s already passe and out of date.
Sure, you could make your own, but that takes effort.
And, once again, by the time you finish sewing and gluing, it’s already out of date.
That’s why Melvin uses his 3D printer to manufacture his costumes.
He uses a series of colored resins to fabricate the suit and mask and gloves.
Directly on to his body.
That way, the painful screams are genuine.
Edgar the Whacker
They called him Roger the Butcher.
Never mind that he went by his middle name “Edgar.”
Or that he wasn’t a butcher. He was a plumber.
Nor was he butchering his victims.
He preferred to just whack them on the back of the head with a pipe.
But the papers didn’t like the name “Edgar the Whacker.”
So they call him “Roger the Butcher” because that sounded better.
Edgar had already picked out a domain name, registered a trademark, and established a social media presence.
So he started whacking reporters.
“WHAT’S MY NAME?” he shouted.
“EDGAR THE WHACKER!” they screamed.
Witch Hunt
Teddy got his first witch hunting license when he was thirteen.
Before that, Teddy’s dad would bring him along, but wouldn’t let him do more than carry an equipment bag.
“Thirteen is old enough,” said Teddy’s dad, handing Teddy a torch and pitchfork. “These were your grandfather’s, and now they’re yours.”
They set up a blind in the old creepy woods by a growth of deadly nightshade.
The witches came to harvest under the full moon.
Teddy bagged two sorceresses, and his dad tied them to the roof of the jeep.
They burned them at the stake in the backyard.
The baby glow
Have you seen Meagan?
Yes, she’s pregnant.
She’s glowing.
No, not figuratively. Literally.
Her belly glows with a pale light.
You can almost make out the outline of the baby in there.
Well, what we assume is a baby.
Sometimes, the shadows in the light don’t quite look like a baby.
And the light isn’t always white. Sometimes, it’s a hazy yellow.
Or when you talk about the shadows not quite looking like a baby, it’s red.
It’s as if it… the baby’s angry.
Their dog died this morning.
It caught on fire.
Must be coincidence. Or cheap dog food.
Hansel and Gretel
Hansel and Gretel shoved the witch into the oven and laughed.
Until they saw her skin melt, her eyes pop… and the screaming.
Oh God, the screaming!
It traumatized the kids for life.
They sit in their beds at the hospital, staring into the distance.
Never talking, never crying.
We ran feeding tubes into their stomachs.
And nurses change their diapers once a day.
You can do pretty much anything, and they’d just sit there, staring.
I realize that’s somewhat distracting.
So, we use burlap sacks to put over their heads.
I know that’s creepy, but those stares are creepier.
Gambling Problem
Dan had a streak of bad luck at the underground casino.
Eighty thousand dollars in the hole.
He threatened to tell the cops about the underground casino.
The owner put Dan in the hospital.
By the time Dan came to, the casino had already packed up and vanished.
The cops found an empty warehouse.
Owned by nobody. No record at all.
When Dan finally got released, his house was on fire.
His car smashed up. Everything was gone.
He’d been gone so long, his job had let him go.
You can find him under the freeway, throwing dice and laughing.
Add vs Create
I got into a discussion over the use of the words “add” and “create” at work.
You know, because when you add something, you’re adding it to something else.
And when you create something, you’re making something completely new.
I used Frankenstein and his monster as an example.
“Frankenstein created his monster,” I said. “He didn’t add his monster.”
Of course, then Frankenstein told Igor to throw the switch, he didn’t mean for Igor to literally throw the switch.
He meant for Igor to close the electrical circuit.
To add the power of electricity, and bring his creation to life.