Category: Weekly Challenge

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Duane
• Jared
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

The List

He’s making list, checking it twice; gonna find out who’s naughty and nice…

What, you thought Santa gets to put his feet up all year and only starts work on the list sometime in mid-December?

Don’t be ridiculous! We can all put on a nice act for a couple of weeks in the run up to Christmas… Kinda defeats the object of having a list at all.

So, Santa starts recording the Christmas tantrums on Boxing Day and compiles the list throughout the year.

‘Cause no-one can be nice that long.

And Santa saves a fortune on buying gifts!

LIZZIE

“Attention! Today’s specials!” said the innkeeper.
The room lit up with enthusiasm.
“Fish and apples!”
A murmur of disappointment…
“Fish, apples AND seagull!”
The crowd went back to the usual chatter, uninterested.
“… and RUM!”
A roar of eagerness thundered throughout the room.
“The fish is fresh and..”
Everyone laughed.
“Well, the rum is OK…”
A round of lively applause.
The innkeeper was sweating profusely by then.
In fact, the rum was the cheapest he could find.
Let’s just say the evening ended with him bobbing away inside a barrel, doused in his own rum.
Luckily, they didn’t light him up.

SERENDIPIDY

I decided to make a bucket list: You know the sort of thing – a bunch of aspirational goals to achieve before I die.

But you just had to make fun of it, didn’t you? Saying I was wasting my time with ridiculous and childish pursuits, that I was unlikely ever to achieve.

That hurt.

So, I’m going to hurt you right back.

And I’ve decided that I need to make a brand new bucket list, with just that single aspirational goal.

Only this time.

I aim to achieve it, before you die.

Which will be very, very soon indeed.

TOM

It Often Starts Simple.

I have this list. I start it when I was very young. My grandfather had
just died. At the wake a close friend of my father’s (whom I believe gave
be herpes when I about four, but that is another story) told me if you
write a love-one’s name down on paper they will live on. This is how the
list began. The scope expanded to people I respected. After 63 years the
list had grown very long. I image I will be the last name on the list.
Then again there might not be anyone left to pencil it in.

DUANE

I once made the Dean’s list.
No, I never made the best dressed list.
I’ve trimmed my bucket list to you and me, and
I won’t be happy till I make your wish list.

I’ve been on the short list.
I’ve been on the shit list.
I’ve been on both the naughty and nice list.
For all I know I might even be on the no fly list.

I’ve whiteboarded the pros and cons of you and me, and
Since you can’t legally put love on your shopping list,
I won’t be happy till I’m on your to do list.

JARED

A Bad List

The battle had been apocalyptic; Captain Stubbing’s Man-of-War was listing badly to starboard. But he knew his nautical foe and taken more than he had given. Despite the damage to both ships, neither captain was willing to cede.

“Shift the ballast to port and come around!” Stubbing ordered. Dutifully, they set to as well as they could muster.

Stubbing could hear his counterpart’s orders. Without discerning the words, he knew what they were. The scalawag was coming about to offer his own broadside.

“Fire!” sounded from both captains. The chaos of smoke, fire, thunder and destruction erupted on both sides.

NORVAL JOE

Mr. Blanketmaker let go of Billbert’s arm and stomped after Mr. Withybottom. “Now, listen here.”
Billbert’s father had always seemed tall to his son. But at five feet ten inches and 175 pounds, he looked like a twig compared to Linoliamanda’s father who stood probably six four and a muscular 300 pounds.
Mr. Blanketmaker didn’t care. He pointed his finger right up to the big man’s nose. “Tin hats and protective helmets? Add this to your list. A straight jacket and a psych eval. You pompous megalomaniac.”
Billbert’s father grabbed his son as he charged back to their Air Bnb.

PLANET Z

Tristan made an appointment with her doctor, waited a week for the test results, and got the news nobody ever wants to hear.
“Can you make a list of all the people you’ve been with in the past year so we know who might also have been exposed?”
So, Tristan got to work.
She pulled out the phone book and went over it with a highlighter, marking every name.
The highlighter ran dry, so she picked up a pack from the office supply store.
The doctor looked at the phone book and winced.
“They still print phone books?” he said.

• Richard
• Lizzie
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RICHARD

Goal!

I can see that you’re intrigued by it… Go ahead, take a look.

That’s grandpa’s tin helmet, the one he wore in the trenches in World War One. He was there during the Christmas truce and played football with the Hun. I still have the letter he wrote home saying how wonderful it was.

Then of course, when it was all over, they retreated back to the trenches, and the war began again.

He called it his ‘Lucky helmet’, reckoned it would protect him from anything.

It didn’t.

Check out the bullet hole… Brains blown out by the German referee!

LIZZIE

When will it stop raining?
When will they be able to stop wearing those silly helmets that didn’t let them breathe properly?
The people at the monastery couldn’t care less, and he admired them for that.
They disregarded the compulsory quarantine, saying they had to help the ones in need.
They made offerings to some obscure entity and they didn’t care about the rain.
That’s why they walked around wrapped in this odd material they had come up with themselves, and only at night.
When will it stop raining, he thought. He wanted to go and become one of them.

SERENDIPIDY

It’s enough to drive you mad, isn’t it?

“When will it stop raining?” your thoughts scream, tormented by the patter on the tin sheet beneath which you crouch.

I’m afraid it’s going to be some time yet, for this is only the start. Let’s work it out, shall we?

One drop per second, works out at around a pint, every thirty minutes; that’s ten pints in five hours, multiplied by four…

And when I’ve bled the rest of your family dry, I’ll be dragging you from beneath your protective cover, and stringing you up to join them.

Drip, drip, drip!

TOM

In the last century

My grandmother never threw away a single cooking tool, thus my mother
inherited all these. They were store in a cabinet under the sink where I
would play as a small child. I became particularly attached to a tin
Colander and tin funnel. It was the mid 50s and Tom Terrific was my go-to
cartoon, along with Warner Bros’ Looney Tunes. I would walk around the
apartment wearing my “Thinking Cap” funnel rakishly tilted. The colander
became my Marvin the Martian helmet. I’d hiss This makes me very angry,
very angry indeed. Then clobbering my brother with a Tonka Dozer

DUANE

The rain runs off my helmet like a waterfall. Through the downpour I sit and watch the medics, running down the trench.

“Splash splash” from their boots.

Slogging back with the dead and wounded.

“Splash splash.”

Another thump from a mortar round. Between blasts, the screaming of the unlucky bastards hit with the last salvo. Medics run by.

“Splash splash.”

Rations are here. Beans again. Some dry matches. Still out of coffee.

“Splash splash.”

Someone says he heard it’s going to end soon. Everyone laughs. New guy. He’ll change his tune.

“Splash splash.”

God dammit, when will it stop raining?

NORVAL JOE

Billbert’s mind ran about the thought of hanky-panky with Linoliamanda. She was pretty in a confused and myopic kind of way. And there was that odd thrilling sensation that ran from his heart to his stomach when she had kissed him.
He was roused from his thoughts when his father took him by the arm, and said, “Come on, Son. We need to go back inside.”
Linoliamanda and her cat had rejoined her father who was fuming and raising his fist in the air, shouting, “And the next thing you know we’ll all be wearing tin hats or protective helmets.”

PLANET Z

The war was over, and it was time to sign the peace treaty.
When The Prince and his Tin Helmets arrived for the ceremony, the Presidential Guard asked if the group had been vaccinated.
“No,” said The Prince’s assistant.
“Well, then you need to go into quarantine,” said the Chief Guard.
“Put The Prince in quarantine? Never!”
The Tin Helmets and the guards had a brief scuffle, and the fuming Prince was escorted back to his plane.
As the jet headed back over the border, bombers and fighters crossed over and killed more people than any disease in recent memory.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Tura
• Duane
• Norval Joe
• Jared
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Reliquary

So, we had this box, which we kept in the crypt and wheeled out for holy days and special occasions. It was fashioned from cedar wood, with polished brass fittings.

It was only a small box, but it held the sacred relic that so many flocked to the church to behold.

The saint’s little finger.

Some say just kissing the box would heal the sick, and simply beholding it guaranteed good fortune.

As for me, I didn’t believe a word of it.

I just looked after the thing and polished the brass.

Oh, and used it for storing my smokes.

DUANE

Saint Gasceous, the patron saint of grandfathers.

Coming from humble beginnings he rose to fame, mostly with his grandchildren, by being able to play “pull my finger” on cue. It was one of several documented miracles that led to his canonization. Another was talking with his dentures sticking halfway out of his mouth. His most notable miracle was the nearly three minute “drive by” he could do while walking around the garden. None of these could be be successfully explained by science alone.

To his grandchildren he is remembered for how they always reacted. That is the miracle of laughter.

TURA

Saint
—-
“The Impossible Missions Group needs my help,” Simon Templar informed his girlfriend Patricia, kissing her lightly on the nose. “See you in a few days.”

He drove across Europe, penetrated the Iron Curtain, and infiltrated the target of the Soviet death ray demonstration. It was being faked, with a bomb to be secretly triggered. The Saint disabled the arming mechanism.

A general with a chestful of medals pressed the firing button before the international press. Beams of lightning coruscated toward the horizon, and then… nothing.

Their subsequent investigation found only a calling card showing a stick figure with a halo.

SERENDIPIDY
cc
Saint Custard’s is an old-fashioned sort of establishment.

Here, we take young girls, educate them and shape their lives, and prepare them to face the world outside.

We cherish the values of old, and encourage our charges to shun technology and modern wisdom in favour of respecting the natural order of things and Mother Nature.

It may be considered quaint by some, but I think our girls are a credit to tradition.

Then, in their senior years, they learn to harness the forces of darkness, breed chaos and undermine male dominance.

Like I said: The natural order of things.

LIZZIE

Ah, the photo of his old bedroom. He couldn’t help but smile. It was there he had taken the first steps towards his amazing career in computers, full of hope and dreams, overshadowing his big sister’s remarkable career as a Professor.
Behind the bookshelf, that’s where he hid it.
Years later, he went back to fetch it. Gone.
When the cops knocked at his door, he knew the governments of those countries weren’t happy with him.
The little code-book… They had it. But how??
Sitting in his cold cell, he tried to figure it out, his sister’s sneer haunting him.

TOM

Saint to the right of me Saint to the left, stuck in the middle with Hue.

There’s a tradition in my family that goes back nearly a millennium and a
half. In each generation one child is named Denis. Seem my family were
original converts from pagan roman Paris to Christianity. In the crypts
of Basilica Saint-Denis buried alongside the Kings of France are my kin.
Oddly when I flew into Paris many years ago, after clearing customs I was
direct to an office of the Paris Bishopric. A priest there gave me a
brass container will the seal of Saint Denis. I ask what I should do with
it. Wait for the moment. He said.

JARED

Patron saints are an interesting study. They cover technologies and concepts that didn’t exist in their lifetimes, and there’s some seriously specific division of labor.

Let’s look at flying. Air travelers and astronauts are all covered by Joseph of Cupertino. However, if you’re the pilot, that’s Christopher’s domain. (If you’re flying the space shuttle, maybe both? Or flip a coin?) Now, if the aircraft doesn’t have any engines, Clare of Assisi has your gliding butt. For the flight attendants serving the air travelers, they pray to Bona of Pisa. Paratroopers jumping out of the planes, Archangel Michael’s got their backs.

NORVAL JOE

Mr. Withybottom turned on Billbert. “So. You just want to be friends with my daughter, do you?”
“Well, yeah,” Billbert said, surprised at the heat in the man’s voice. “We are in some classes together at school.”
Mr. Withybottom shook his finger at Billbert. “Look. I know I was no saint when I was your age. I know what goes through the minds of boys when they talk about being friends with girls. I don’t want any hanky-panky between you two.”
Billbert thought back on his few kisses with Linoliamanda. If someone had hanky-panky on their mind, it wasn’t him.

PLANET Z

It’s interesting to track down the relics of ancient saints.
The fingerbone of this saint, the tooth of that saint.
All believed to be the source of all kinds of miracles.
So many people flock to see these bits and pieces.
It’s good for the local businesses.
Thing is, if you do the math, you’ll find this saint has five thighbones, that saint had forty-nine teeth, and so on.
Unless you’re talking about Saint Mergatroyd of Essex.
He actually had five thighbones, forty-nine feeth, and countless other duplicate body parts.
He was martyred in a nuclear waste facility, after all.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Duane
• Norval Joe
• Jared
• Planet Z

RICHARD

/r/windup

I joined the group for a laugh.

It was a dull Sunday afternoon, with nothing on TV, and I was bored; which is how I came to be trawling around communities on Reddit, just for the chance to wind up strangers on the internet.

The Advanced Subatomic Particle Physics subreddit caught my attention, and I thought it would be fun to inject a bit of humour into the proceedings.

Which is how my facetious comment about the interconnectedness of chocolate chip cookies and black holes, led to the discovery of a brand new subatomic particle.

Which, they named after me!

LIZZIE

A cool course on something maritime, he couldn’t remember what. Something he had seen online, but he hadn’t paid much attention. And now he was in this predicament, surrounded by ice and no one in sight. The tiny boat was destroyed and that thing, whatever it was called, frantically blinking some sort of danger signal, was tossed aside.
“And now, Mr. Smart Ass who never reads anything ’til the end? And now? Well, now you’re gone.”
People searched for him. They did try…
Surprisingly, the advanced “cool course” had twice as many attendees. People like getting in trouble, don’t they?

SERENDIPIDY

The scientists tell us that The Doomsday Clock is ticking and we’re just one hundred seconds from midnight.

One hundred seconds aware from catastrophe, mass extinction and the end of the world.

And for me, I couldn’t be happier to see an end to it all.

When you’re immortal, time is an inconvenience; a never-ending, constant stream of boredom, irritation and near insanity.

Midnight can’t come soon enough for me.

So yesterday, I left my engine running, turned the aircon up to full, and spent all day dumping plastic waste into the ocean.

And the clock advanced one second closer.

TOM

True Evil

The guard pointed at the sack of salt. The old man pulled it up on to his
shoulders. He moved steadily and evenly, which somehow made the guard
smile. I watched for about an hour, wondering how long the old man could
continue making the trip back and forth along the barber wire fence. Then
suddenly he drop face down, there were no demanding action on the part of
collection of guards. Just a moment of a hand a group of men materialize
out of the shadows. Then he pointed at me and I advanced. Work will set
you free I thought.

DUANE

As spaceflight quickly advances, humans are soon returning to the moon. Mars would be next and I am encouraged that it could happen in my lifetime. A trip to Mars takes about seven months one way. For such a long flight the first crew should be Buddhist monks.

Buddhist monks are disciplined. They are accustomed to isolation. They already live a minimalist lifestyle. They could spend their downtime in contemplation of the Universe, while staring out at the Universe. Just think of the possibilities with meditation in zero gravity.

Landing on Mars, they would be in the ultimate zen garden.

NORVAL JOE

Though Mr. Blanketmaker had advanced toward Linoliamanda’s father with his hand extended in a friendly greeting and a smile on his face, Mr. Withybottom turned his back on him, headed toward his house, and shouted over his shoulder, “Come on, Linny. Get in the house.”

It didn’t take an advanced degree in psychology for anyone to see that the girl’s father had emotional control issues. Still Billbert wanted everyone to be happy and get along. While Linoliamanda searched for her cat again, Billbert ran across the street. “Mr. Withybottom. What would it take for Linoliamanda and me to remain friends?”

JARED

And my story for this week on the topic of Advanced is entitled Advancing the Runner
€€€€€
In baseball, a batter can get on base in many ways. Let’s ignore the pitching stuff: wild pitches, balks, walks, ‘bean balls’, etc. Just hit the ball in play and beat the throw. That’s a base hit. Unless the defense mishandled the ball. Then it’s an Error. Or if they threw to another base for a force out then threw to First. If you still beat the throw, that’s scored as ‘reached on a Fielder’s Choice’. If the defensive player obstructs your path, ‘Player Interference’. These all count zero on batting average. Like a Walk, but a lot more work.

PLANET Z

When Arthur asked his oncologist how far the cancer had progressed, he said “I wouldn’t be buying any green bananas.”
Which really didn’t make much sense to Arthur, since he didn’t like bananas, so he didn’t buy them.
Arthur thanked the doctor, went to the grocery store, and bought some green bananas.
“I don’t understand what all the fuss is about,” said Arthur. “They’re green. What’s the harm?”
He tossed the bananas aside and went about his day, totally forgetting about them.
Until, later, he walked back into the kitchen, stepped on one, and slipped on it, cracking his skull.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Duane
• Norval Joe
• Tura
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

“River Crossing…” said the sign.
River? There was nothing there, not a single drop of water in sight.
He looked left. He looked right. If he was to cross anything, he’d follow the rules.
Then he took a step forward and looked left and right again. He had always been very cautious.
He looked at his watch and took another step forward.
That’s exactly when, out of nowhere, a huge pack of wolves knocked him down.
The locals nicknamed the pack leader River and crossing River where he usually crossed was not a healthy thing to do, cautiously or not!

RICHARD

River Crossing

Welcome to River Crossing, possibly the most inappropriately named town in the County.

There’s no river here. Nearest one is two hundred miles south; so, no need for a bridge across it neither, nor any sort of river crossing, for that matter.

In fact, bridges is the one thing we’ve got in short supply around here. No river bridges, road bridges, footbridges or railway bridges, on account of there being no rivers, roads or trains.

So, no railway crossings either.

Beats me why they gave it the name in the first place.

But, I guess you gotta call it something.

SERENDIPIDY

If it’s a river crossing you’re considering, then a wise man will take my advice and avoid the old stone bridge.

For beneath its arches lurk the trolls, who will beat you senseless, steal your coins, then eat you for supper.

For a small fee, I will ferry you across safely to the far bank, out of harm’s way and protected from the evil clutches of the trolls.

Of course, when we land, I’ll beat you senseless, steal your coins and leave you for dead.

But at least, unlike the trolls, I’ve no intention of eating you for my supper!

TOM

Big Muddy

Sam raised his hand to shade his eyes from the setting sun. The river was
high after the late storm rolled in from the Rockies. A few lights had
started to glow on the far bank. One single light grew larger as it moved
to where he stood. Blue brown water merged with the blue brown hull of the
river crossing ferry. It was a size fitting the population it served, and
made returning home for the night possible. Without the tiny boat it was a
four-hour trip to next largest town on the river.

DUANE

The man looked cool in his khaki shirt with epaulets and unbuttoned to show his hairy chest. Even standing up to his waist in the jungle river, he had an air of comfort and confidence. With a rope over his shoulder, he pulled a simple bamboo raft with his supplies stacked upon it. He wasn’t even sweating. His loosely permed hair and big brown mustache were perfect. And he was enjoying a Camel cigarette.

The younger me stared up at the billboard in awe. The message was clear what I needed to do next to become that man of adventure.

NORVAL JOE

“Daddy,” Linoliamanda called back to her father. “I’ve told you before. There’s nothing wrong with Billbert or his family. He’s my friend.”
“Don’t make me come and get you,” her father said, hurrying down to the sidewalk, but stopping at the street and eyeing it like a hazerdous river crossing.
Billbert’s father crossed the street, his hand extended and a big smile on his face. “Hello Mr. Withybottom. I’m Hosmer Blanketmaker. My son speaks very highly of your daughter.”
Mr. Withybottom looked at Hosmer’s hand as if he was offering him a dead fish. He folded his arms and frowned.

TURA

River crossing
———
The Great Crossing is best witnessed from the watch tower by the grand market. Look to the river, before dawn. Soon the barges from distant Harem will appear, a fleet that blots out the river, their gaudy pennants outlined by the rising sun.

Then all is a jostling to unload and furnish the market stalls. Not a single pottery jug is broken, nor a single bolt of silk dropped, by the time the Market Bell sounds the opening.

Towards evening it sounds again, and the stallholders close up and row back to Harem, the barges glowing in the setting sun.

PLANET Z

There’s an old puzzle where a monkey, a pig, and a person need to cross a river.
But if you leave one of them alone with another, something bad happens.
Like the pig eats the monkey or the monkey rips the face off of the person.
So you have to think through who crosses the river in a boat and who is left together on the shore.
Me, I just sent the person and the pig across in the boat and leave that damn monkey behind.
Because that monkey will rip the person’s face off at some point anyway, right?

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Duane
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Jared
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

The vet’s schedule is imprinted on my brain. For many months, that was the most important schedule in my life. Mondays and Tuesdays, morning and afternoon. Wednesdays, afternoon and evening. Thursdays, night shift. Fridays, not there. There were other vets there, of course, but… It wasn’t the same thing. They hesitated, read the files ten times, messed up the meds. And I used to ask, not sure whom, please, please, don’t let him get really ill on a Friday. Or weekend. The vet’s schedule is still imprinted on my brain, but I don’t need it anymore. My kitty is gone.

RICHARD

Words of Wisdom

It was, I suppose, one of those formative moments in life.

In his last moments, as I sat at my dying father’s bedside, he beckoned me closer and breathed the words to me: “Son, if you make nothing more of your life, remember only this…”

The wisdom he then imparted meant little to me at the time, and over the years, consumed only with life’s purely material things, his words began to fade until, eventually forgotten.

And now, lying on my deathbed, desperate to impart a lasting gift of wisdom to my own son.

I simply cannot remember those words.

SERENDIPIDY

They always used to laugh at me.

They’d mock me and say that if ever I dared to set foot inside a church, I’d most likely melt into a sinful puddle of evil, unable to bear anything even remotely good or holy.

Maybe they were right, after a fashion: I’ve hardly been a model of decorum and decency. But nobody’s perfect.

Not even that bunch of holier- than- thou hypocrites!

So I burned down the church.

And all of them burned along with it.

Somewhat ironic, don’t you think that it was they, not me, who melted within its sanctuary?

DUANE

As time goes by the memory tends to fade and you might forget a few things. Important events get etched in your mind and stay fresh forever. Favorite movies and songs tend to stick. You never forget a great movie.

My favorite is Casablanca. It has that guy. You know who I mean. Classic story that imprints on your mind. I think the movie had the French and Nazis causing trouble in his bar and he had to run off.

Not only a great movie, but it has an unforgettable song. “Remember only this, your kiss is on my list…”

TOM

What You Willing TO DO?

Covid is killing churches. It’s sort of under the radar. Many were
actually just holding on by their spiritual finger tips. For years I was a
UU trustee, we had weathered major size reduction, based on the Secondary
Retirement Syndrome. You think that home in the country is your final
destination, forgive the ref, then illness settles in, bam, you’re back in
the bay area at some miscellaneous child’s back bedroom. But now the
covid has reduced membership to the single digits. People are just
drifting away; we are just fading away. Hard to watch something so hopeful
fade away.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert ran across the graass to Linoliamanda. She dropped the cat which yowled and melted away into the darkness. “Linoliamanda. What are you doing at our Air Bnb?”

She smiled. “Oh. Hi, Billbert.” She turned to his parents. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Blanketmaker. I was just looking for my cat. That’s my house across the street, next to the church.”

Mr. Withybottom stood on the front porch, his fists on his hips. “Linny. Get away from those people. If you remember only this one thing, you might live to graduate from high school, those crazy people are a bad influence.”

JARED

In the remnants of online society after the apocalyptic flame wars over food debates, the silence was broken by the call for peace: seek not for what is best or you will risk missing out on what is good.
This new online religious movement preaches a hedonism found in moderation, pleading with the remaining self-important and self-aggrandizing pedants to set aside their judgments. “Don’t yuck someone else’s yum,” they preach.
I am returned from that dark future time to forewarn you now. I plead with you to remember only this: Do not read the bottom half of the Internet.

TURA

Church; bare
———
The church in the woods was not yet a ruin, but the interior was stripped bare. “Is this… safe?” I asked. “Oh, come on,” my girlfriend said scornfully, “they can’t watch everything. They probably don’t even know this is here.”

“Not much to see,” I said. “Where did they kill and eat their god?”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“Well, what was it like?”

“You’re too scared to want to know,” she snapped. “When are you going to get a backbone?”

Right now, I decided. When we got home I would report her as a religionist to the Ministry of Truth.

PLANET Z

Frederick’s head injury left him a vegetable.
The only memory left in his head was the church he was found in.
A cult’s sacrifice, rescued from death by the police, but caught in the crossfire.
Holding his bleeding head in his hands, Frederick tried to scream, but nothing came out.
His surroundings fading from view, seven surgeries later, kept alive, but for all intents and purposes, gone.
Staring out the window, if you sing a hymn or read scripture, he will smile.
Put a spoon or straw in his mouth, and he will swallow.
One cruel orderly feeds him roaches.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Duane
• Norval Joe
• Jared
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

The phone call was short. The woman spoke fast. The construction or something… The hall is too small…
She spoke too fast. The construction was fine. He checked. The hall was fine too.
The phone call was short. She blabbered a few words. And she hung up. The construction she said, the hall…?
What does she know? She heard stories about this and that and she had the gall to think she could replace him, yes, the gall.
The other phone call was also short. “How much?” The man also replied fast.
No one would ever take his place. Ever.

RICHARD

Ticket to ride

My thirteenth birthday, and I was thrilled to receive an unlimited day pass for a theme park I’d always wanted to visit. I insisted we went immediately, even though it was a national holiday.

The roads were insane, and the hundred mile trip took over four hours. Another two hours queuing to get in, and then a further hour waiting in line for the Devil’s Mountain Thunderbolt Experience -the greatest experience ever, according to the hype.

I’ve never vomited so much in my life.

After seven long hours, and one short ride.

All I wanted, was to go back home!

SERENDIPIDY

The judge recommended an unlimited term in custody.

It was, he explained, the only fitting sentence for an immortal being, whose crimes were as evil and inhuman as mine.

I appealed, of course.

And won.

I successfully argued an unlimited term of imprisonment was itself, inhuman, and therefore could not be rightfully handed down by a mere mortal judge… And besides, with immortality at my disposal, I had all the time in the world to become a reformed character.

It was, of course, a lie.

I’ll never reform, but who is going to live long enough to learn the truth?

TOM

Not quite right

When we say something is Unlimited is the usage correct? We tend to shoot
for the upper range. A striving, the place where the rising ape meets the
falling angle. Or a word destine for an affirmation poster. Wouldn’t it be
just as proper to dial down to zero. Take the term unloved, unread, or
even unsophisticated. Unlimitedly unloved, Unlimitedly unread, Unlimitedly
unsophisticated. Not a ring endorsement there, aye. Is it because we rail
against continent containment, so we are willing to walk right out of
Africa? Stuff that limed limed-y thing. Or is it just a catch phrase in
Wicked?

DUANE

A ten-year-old only needs a towel and a safety pin to be a superhero. Being a real superhero takes training, equipment, and an unlimited supply of cash. That’s why you only see billionaire self-made superheroes.

Luckily, we have the Internet. Anything can be learned on YouTube. With 3D printers you can create cool costumes and gadgets. If you need a name, you can’t go wrong asking for suggestions on social media. For the money, set up a simple go-fund-me page. Just remember to let everyone know that for the cost of a cup of coffee they can change the world.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert and his parents stood on the sidewalk scanning the dark bushes and trees along the Air Bnb. There were an unlimited number of places for a wily super villain to hide.
“Do you see her?” Billbert whispered to his mother.
“See who?” his mother asked.
“Nuclear Fission,” Billbert and his father said in unison.
“Oh. No. She’s not around. I would know if she was anywhere in the neighborhood. The only thing hiding in the bushes is a cat and a girl with blond hair.”
As if on command, Linoliamanda stepped from the bushes holding a large orange cat.

JARED

I met my wife at work. Sort of. We both worked for the same national supermarket chain: she, in Human Resources at a warehouse in California; I, in the corporate offices in Idaho.
We met over the phone. Our first phone call lasted several hours. It was fundamentally work related; we just kept getting distracted with side conversations.
We started talking at home on nights and weekends. I changed cell phone providers to the same as hers because they offered unlimited minutes between customers.
At the height of our courtship, our phone bills showed ‘unlimited minutes used’ in the thousands.

PLANET Z

Cellular and internet providers claim to offer unlimited plans.
But if you use a certain amount of data, they will reduce your speed.
“It’s still unlimited,” they say. “Just slower, you pig. That’s all.”
“But that’s still a limit,” you say.
Then they point out the contract and offer to sell you a new unlimited plan.
“There’s no speed limits on this one ever,” they say.
So, I find out where their executives live.
And when they drive to work, I get in front of them and slow down.
Swerving quickly to cut them off when they try to pass.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Jared
• Rick
• Tura
• Planet Z

TURA

Behind a bush
———
The woman had no more than glimpsed her attacker on the country path. After frantically fighting him off, she fled for her life. What few details she could report were inconclusive.

The only other evidence was a picture she had snapped just moments before, of a prominent laburnum bush, behind which her attacker must have lurked. The police used the latest AI techniques to remove the bush from the image, plainly revealing the perpetrator.

The trial collapsed when the defence produced pictures of the residences of the judge and prosecution counsel, with the walls removed to reveal the goings-on within.

RICHARD

The abandoned quarry

What we’ll do, is head out to the abandoned quarry and aim to get there in plenty of time before the girls arrive. We’ll find a good spot and hide behind a bush, then wait for the fun.

You just know those girls are going to go a little crazy after they smoke the weed I sold them, I’ll bet anything they’ll end up going skinny dipping, and then get a little horny… And then, who knows what might happen?

So, who’s in?

Awesome! Well let’s get going then.

What do you mean no-one knows the way to the quarry?

LIZZIE

Just pretend that fog is wonderful.
Just pretend the trees are magnificent.
Pretend, just pretend the rays of sun are not burning the grass dry.
Pretend.
Part from your heart.
Part from your soul.
Someone will look for you.
Someone will shout for you.
Just pretend you’re not sinking, pretend your whole life is not running through your head, a host of bizarre what ifs.
Just pretend you can still move your legs, pretend the thick mud is not pulling you down, dragging your dreams into the darkness.
Dreams?
There are no dreams. Only tragic nightmares. And the suffocating fog.

SERENDIPIDY

You hear a rustle in the darkness and you know that it’s me. Did you hear that twig break? Was that a shadow amongst the trees?

You know I’m out there, watching, waiting, prowling and homing in.

You stop, unnerved, fists clasped tight, heart racing, senses taut as a bowstring.

Where am I?

Am I behind you, or am I lurking on the path ahead?

Maybe I’m behind a bush, poised to leap out as you pass!

I’m not.

I’m at home, watching TV, feet up, relaxing.

But you don’t know that.

And that’s just the way I like it!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert’s mother hugged him. “Thank you, Son. I’m happy you consider me strong and worth respect. Even so, I don’t think, ‘The Mother’ is a good name for a superhero.”
Mr. Blanketmaker shrugged. “What other name embodies the qualities of organization and efficiency?”
Billbert suggested. “How about, ‘The Optimizer’, or ‘Optimum Control’?”
Mrs. Blanketmaker laughed. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”
Something outside thumped against the wall of the Air Bnb.
Billbert’s dad ran for the door. “Stay here.”
They all ran outside onto the sidewalk and carefully scanned the house to see if anything hid behind the bushes along the wall.

TOM

Not So Bright

It is said in Greenland there is a naked woman behind ever bush. Or maybe
it was a tree, of little difference that hunk of ice has very little of
either. Not a good place for god fearing Europeans, it took them a century
or two to die out. Could have learned from the native people, but you know
how hell bent on being right will kill you dead. Behind a bush not bad
metaphor for westward expansion. When your down to your last stick, the
fire is soon to follow. In the end its just wind and ice.

JARED

Lane and Cale had the typical older brother/younger brother dynamic: their enthusiasm for spending time together was inversely proportional.
One day, Lane and his friends discovered a small grotto between the hedges and the house. Cale spent the whole morning searching and never found them. Mom called him inside and consoled him with milk and cookies. She sat him at the breakfast nook and opened the window a crack. She smiled, pointed down behind him and winked.
Cale spent the rest of the summer getting to snoop on Lane and Lane spent the summer enjoying his privacy from Cale.

PLANET Z

When I was ten, I liked to play Hide and Seek with the neighborhood kids.
I was really good at hiding, and nobody ever found me.
But when I would be the seeker, I always found everyone quickly.
Kids hiding in closets.
Kids hiding in trash cans.
Kids hiding behind bushes and trees.
One kid went as far as hiding in a neighbor’s basement.
He’d been chopped up and stuffed into the freezer.
“Nice try,” I said. “But you can’t beat me at this game.”
After that, the police wanted to hire me as a consultant.
But they wouldn’t hide.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Jared
• Rick
• Tura
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

Imagine being in hospital. You can’t move. You can barely breathe.
No one believes you.
Imagine peering through the window and seeing the elegant bridge crossing the river all lit up, beautiful at night.
Imagine the little dots of light coming from the fishing boats, like fireflies.
Yes, imagine smiling and thinking I will die in a few minutes, but I’ll die having the most gorgeous view.
Imagine they still don’t believe you. And you still can’t breathe.
But you’re smiling. You’re smiling because that tilted postcard window is your hope, your only hope, the hope that keeps you breathing.

RICHARD

A Titanic Effort

The tilting had was quite noticeable now, I had to prop my music stand between my knees, and a stray flute had begun a steady roll across the floor.

Our conductor raised his hands, and the sounds of Strauss rang out amidst the shouts and screams around us.

Now fighting to stay upright, we battled on bravely, determined to finish this one, final performance, barely aware of the terror and panic, we played on, until – one by one – the notes were stilled as the icy waters claimed us for their own.

Leaving only the music of waves and tortured metal.

SERENDIPIDY

The sun was a problem.

From the position he’d taken, it was blinding him. He blinked, and coloured blotches filled his vision. This was no good; it wouldn’t do at all.

Thankfully, such things were easily fixed, and he adjusted the angle of his hat, tilting it so that the brim shaded his eyes from the sun’s glare.

Blinking rapidly to adjust; his sight began to clear, and he squinted ahead, watching and waiting for the critical moment.

The sound of motorcycles filled the street; and the motorcade came into view.

From behind the grassy knoll, three shots rang out.

TOM

Tilting for Fun and Profit

In Poker if you’re not intent on winning for a long long time, you can
deal hands that will drive players insane. The goal is to create a titling
so strong the moment you go for the kill, hand may well go for your
throat, best to serious muscle close at hand. I got this deep move with
faro shuffles that servers up pairs and broken straights. Most player
start out with a slight tic, but hand for hand a feral look clouds their
eyes. You know the monkey brain just got its ass kick by the old reptilian
brain.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert’s father looked at his wife with a tilting half smile.”Gee, honey. A name change? I thought you liked the name, Blanketmaker.”
She put her hand on his arm and returned a much more endearing smile. “Of course I do, sweetie. I meant my superhero name. ‘The Secretary’ sounds so, I don’t know, weak? It elicits no fear or respect. Not like Nuclear Fission. I want something strong and commanding.”
Billbert laughed. “How about, Mom.”
She looked at her son. “What about what, Billbert?”
Billbert shook his head. “No, Mom. I think the name Mom is strong and commands respect.”

JARED

Tommy’s Steel Balls

Darkness. A metallic scrape, followed by dulled clinking. Electronics buzzing to life. Light. Then rolling, falling, landing. Shuddering into a socket. A spring whines in a rising pitch of compression. A pause. Then a soft swish, and an incredible punch. Immediate acceleration. Rising, banking, turning, dipping. A cacophony of electro-mechanical music, punctuated by chirps, chimes, zips. Non-stop movement, crashing into every surface, immediately impelled in another direction. A bump from below, the floor shifts unexpectedly. A sharp buzzer screeches. Suddenly, everything goes dead. All is quiet. Pathetic echoing rumble. Over a precipice. Falling. A thud. Darkness.

RICK

Tilting
It’s one thing to be a biker at 6-2 and 240 pounds of solid muscle … Quite another when you’re 5’6 and 150 pounds. Dave was the latter, and Dave wasn’t the type to take shit from anyone.

So many “rights” from so many big men …

Broken jaw, ribs, teeth, and nose … He never really learned when to shut his mouth.

He’s surprised a few of them big boys, but mostly, a whole lot of ass whippings.

His whole body kind of tilts to the right.

Older now Dave still won’t shut that mouth … and he still don’t take no shit!

TURA

Tilting
———
The Tilting Tower of Pisa is more remarkable than its more prosaic cousin, the Leaning Tower, for no matter what angle you look at it from, it always tilts to the left or the right.

If you try going close up, to determine the direction it is really tilting, you only get confused.

People who fly cameras on drones around and above the Tilting Tower obtain footage that they can make no sense of.

Some take the Tilting Tower to be proof that we are living in a simulated world, and the Tilting Tower is a bug in the simulation.

PLANET Z

There’s a stop sign at the corner of Main and Ash.
It’s been there for years.
Bumperstickers for whatever band of cause or phrase of the day slapped across the front and back, scraped off, and replaced again.
The pole’s not quite straight, it leans a bit to the left.
But it’s never been hit or knocked over, like so many signs in the neighborhood.
The Main and Ash sign’s been knocked over so many times.
The Dead End sign, too.
But not the Stop sign.
I guess people respect a stop sign more than others.
So it’s still there.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Jared
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

“A toast! My kingdom for a toast!” The crowd at the café chuckled. They all knew him. They all loved his silly jokes. The room was always dark. That gave them a sense of protection and the silly, often crude, jokes made them feel like they belonged. One day he didn’t show up. They looked for him everywhere. Weeks went by. Then they received a letter at the café. “I’m fine. I got a job digging up some ruins. The archaeologists are OK. But they lack one thing. They don’t have toast!” The crowd at the café chuckled once again.

RICHARD

Rebel for a Lost Cause

I’ve always been a rebel, albeit not a very successful one.

The trouble is, I really don’t like to make a fuss; so whilst other rebels are toppling governments, standing up against perceived injustices and sticking it to the man, my own rage against the machine may seem somewhat insignificant.

Still, rebellion is rebellion, no matter how it may manifest itself.

So, while I still have breath in me, I’ll continue to have an extra sugar in my tea; I’ll refuse to go to bed at a reasonable hour; and, whenever somebody raises a toast… I’m never clinking my glass.

SERENDIPIDY

From the ruins of a shattered life, I crawl: The embodiment of pain, anger and dismay.

Within my breast beats a heart devoid of love, compassion or care. I know only hatred and pain, despair and woe.

I’m coming for you, and when I find you, I will destroy you… Break you… Rend your flesh and torment your soul.

Because I will never forget those vows you swore and a toast! To us, our health and happiness: To you, just hollow words, but to me a loving promise you failed to keep.

Just remember.

Your promise.

For better, or worse.

TOM

In the wake of endless sorrow

She burns bright with rage. It tempers every move. Make no mistake her
rebel heart with drop you without a second thought. Your glowing remains
will smolder beside some long-forgotten road. Your only hope to master the
intensity of task at hand. Never waver from the glorious quest or let less
soul dissuade you with words of comfort. In the night of a 1000 flames be
the rebel glow be hers alone and know at the end of all things you rose to
be the one. The light breaks set your mind of stone, your heart to iron,
you will to iron.

JARED

A Lucky Man and a Brave Woman

Their courtship and engagement had lasted a little more than 11 months. James would have been fine getting married on the anniversary of their engagement, but Natalie didn’t want to wait. And she couldn’t resist being a ‘June bride’.
The planning and the ceremony were a blur of memory now, as they were seated at the head table.
“Ahem… Hi, everyone. I’m Michael, James’ Best Man. I’ve known James since Second Grade. I met Natalie a week after she met James. James, hold on to her. You will never find another woman willing to be ‘Mrs. Hooker’.”

NORVAL JOE

Billbert and his parents arrived at the Air Bnb. They punched in the code and entered the house. When they flipped on the lights Billbert took in the view. A table was prominently displayed in the middle of the sitting room with an array of bottles of wine, cheese and crackers.
“Dive in, Billbert,” his mother said to him pointing to the crackers. She picked up a single serving bottle of wine. “Maybe we should have a toast.”
Mr. Blanketmaker laughed. “A toast to what? Our house in ruins?”
His wife shook her head. “No. How about a name change?”

PLANET Z

The rebels fled Freedom Town, leaving behind piles of dead hostages and setting fires as they left.
Fire suppression crews did their best to limit the damage.
Rebel flags on the poles were wired to explosives.
Anti-government posters were chemically treated with poison.
The water system was poisoned, too.
The rebels claimed the government did it all.
And the media repeated their lie.
So, the government raided the newspapers, radio stations, and television networks.
Expelled the ambassadors of countries that hosted rebel training camps and condemned the government’s response.
And the war raged no, there was nothing civil about it.