Category: Doctor Odd

People fear a day when robots and computers will be more intelligent than humans.
But Doctor Odd knew that the true tipping point would come when humans are dumber than robots and computers.
“Just look at the education system,” said Doctor Odd. “Producing mindless sheep, deluded into believing that they are critical thinkers, and trained only to pass a standardized test.”
Minions and assistants were hard to come by, what, with the useless Sociology and Communications and Diversity Studies graduates overtaking the hard sciences.
Doctor Odd built his own assistant.and programmed it.
Just slightly dumber than himself for safety reasons.

Doctor Odd loved baseball.
No, he never played, but as equipment manager for his high school team, he came up with a large number of inventions to help his team win.
From cleats that sped up runners to bats made from kinetically-charged wood.
Other teams tried to steal the catcher’s signs to the pitcher.
So, he worked up a pair of hat liners that created a psychic bond between the wearers.
It worked well for a few innings, but after extended continuous use it tended to make their heads explode.
“Okay, fine,” said Doctor Odd. “This is only for closers.”

“The law clearly states that you cannot put artificial intelligence inside of a free-moving body,” said the lawyers.
“But I not!” said Dr. Parkins. “The AI in mainframe! The robot connect by tether!”
He’d found a loophole in law. How dare lawyers and judges disagree?
Instead, they side with rival: that bastard Doctor Odd.
He felt the all-too-familiar pain in his chest. Another heart attack?
Parkins flipped the switch, and brought the robot to life as his own ended.
The robot reached for Parkins, stroking his white hair.
“Not yet, but soon,” it said.
And it patiently turned itself off.

Doctor Odd really liked cold pizza.
The problem was, he’d order a pizza, let it go cold, and he wouldn’t want pizza anymore.
Or, he’d want a pizza, but the toppings weren’t what he wanted anymore.
He’d have a cold pepperoni pizza, and he’d now want sausage.
So, he’d fire up his time machine, make the order the day before, and he’d come back to the right cold pizza in the fridge.
He’d also use the time machine to check out cute child stars on their eighteenth birthdays.
But he mostly used it for the cold pizza and starting wars.

“Follow the wires.”
These are the first three words that every child in Mirkwood learns.
They look up at the gigantic mains that pass near every village, and down to the substation as the voltage is stepped down.
“Follow the wires, and you will find The Voltmaster.”
He used to harvest his power from the clouds, but with the help of giants and ogres and dwarves, he constructed a dam across The Eternal Falls.
Within, machinery like windmills, but for water, convert the flow into energy.
Precious energy.
The lights flicker, then return.
They say this is The Voltmaster laughing.

Until we find three witches, we cannot hold the funeral of Cladimer Zook.
It’s simply too dangerous to allow his unbound spirit to roam at night.
As long as his body is wrapped in The Emerald Shroud, we’ll be safe.
But the owner of The Emerald Shroud charges us monthly for its use, and it’s not like we are made out of money.
Unlike the Silvergold Legion, who are made out of money.
Oh, Zook, you fool. Not to make arrangements.
Nobody lives forever.
To amass such power, you knew the consequences.
One day, a wizard. The next, an abomination.

Doctor Odd didn’t bother voting because he was vastly superior to the countless millions of other people in the country.
He was a brilliant mad scientist, and instead of wasting his time waiting in line or marking a ballot, he used his massive fortune to buy candidates.
Those who resisted corruption were replaced with his willing clones or cybernetic slaves.
Or he just hacked the voting machines to give him the results he wanted.
In the end, the election didn’t offer the masses any real choice.
Except for whether to carry a pitchfork or a torch while storming his castle.

After years of research, Doctor Odd invented The Singularity.
“You can upload your mind into this computer, and you’ll live forever,” he said.
The rich and famous gave him trillions of dollars as he hooked them to The Singularity and uploaded their minds.
Then, he turned off the machines, and sold their catatonic bodies on the organ transplant black market.
Some collectors asked about other uses for their bodies. The indecent proposals were shocking.
“That’s disgusting,” said Doctor Odd. “I may be a crook, but I’m not a sicko.”
Besides, he’d seen “Kill Bill.” God forbid Uma Thurman woke up.

Doctor Odd used to own a castle in Eastern Europe, but he got tired of angry mobs of peasants with pitchforks and torches.
At first, he hacked Google Maps to lead the peasants over a cliff, but that only worked once. Eventually, the peasants followed road signs.
Doctor Odd removed the road signs, but that made it difficult for the Post Office to deliver his mail.
Sure, most of it was bills and junk mail, but he didn’t want to have to get a Post Office box and risk going into town.
Where the peasants waited. With pitchforks and torches.

Vinegar, ammonia, and hydrogen peroxide are three things you can use to remove bloodstains from clothes.
But for a famous mad scientist like Doctor Odd, such simple chemistry is beneath him.
Nor is he willing to waste time arguing with the corner laundry. Their prices are unreasonably high, and use too much starch.
Instead, he uses his time machine to return to a time before the blood stained his clothes.
But, by protecting his earlier self, his future self ends up with the bloodstains.
Dr. Odd shrugs, changes clothes, puts on a smock, and heads back in time once again.