Hill

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Andrew Ian Dodge tells a tale about Gilbert…

Gilbert was content with his lot in life; sitting in his bungalow on the edge of Brecon Beacons. His colleagues thought he was nuts to retire at 45 and move to rural Wales. They thought it odd that, unlike most seismologists, he chose to retire away from fault-lines. Gilbert on the other hand knew exactly what he was doing. He, as was the previous occupant of the house, was the watcher of the hills. He was the first line of defence should any thing wake and try to come out this way. Gilbert smiled as he peered towards his hills.

I always wonder why some guys call themselves Gil, others Gilbert, and yet more call themselves Bert. Odd, eh?

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 52

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At first, Abraham Lincoln believed that a friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.
However, he first had to determine who his enemies were.
Abe took out a clipboard drew up a list.
It was a very long list. Lots of names on it.
His wife Mary Todd looked at the list, laughed, and then added a few names to it.
“Surely, not Tad?” said Abe. “My own son?”
Mary Todd nodded and pointed at the stairs where Tad was trying to light a fuse on a stick of dynamite.
Abe grounded him for three weeks.

Britislam

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Andrew Ian Dodge takes a closer look at a poll of British Muslims…

Despite the fact 90% of British Muslims feel loyal to Britain, 40% of Muslims wish to overthrow the state and replace it with a theocratic Muslim dictatorship. A “fifth-column” within the UK as it were.
Not at all reassuring is the fact that 20% in this poll felt sympathy with the “feelings & motives” of 7/7. If one adds to these statistics, the weekly protests in London over the Danish cartoons and free speech, the average British citizen can and probably does feel threatened.
One can only guess what the impact of such revelations will have on the British psyche.

I get the distinct feeling that the restrictive handgun laws will be scruitinized over the next few years.

Another phone story

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Andrew Ian Dodge keeps up the phone stories…

This week has been a fairly tough one for football fans. First they have found out that not all footballers are the butch macho guys they idolised or lusted after; in the case of women. Now they find out that Wembley stadium, the “home” of football, will not be ready in time for its planned opening in three month’s time for the FA Cup final. The fact footie fans will have to schlep all the way to Cardiff won’t go down well. Those involved claim it will be done this year but can’t promise exactly when. Aw, what a shame!

I’m so spooked, I’m not even touching my own cell phone now.

Good morning, sunshine

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Scientists have yet to explain why the sun had a big smiley face on it yesterday.
Despite warnings telling people not to look directly at it, many people still tried. Lots of cases of blindness in the hospitals today.
Never mind the people medicated to the gills and strapped to their beds, completely freaked out at the idea that the sun had a smiley face on it.
There’s no smiley sun today. No sun at all, in fact.
By my watch, it’s already two hours late.
Perhaps if we all smile, it will show up before we freeze to death?

Phone

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Andrew Ian Dodge reaches out and… um… right.

Through all the rioting in the Muslim world and the Avian flu panic some may have missed the News of the Screws’ latest exclusive. Well, it seems that not all Premiership Footballers are totally straight. Not only are some willing to give each other head when drunk; at least one has come up with a novel use for the new slim-line mobile. As far as I understand you shove your phone somewhere stimulating down below and your mates call you repeatedly until you pop off. Might I suggest you don’t borrow a Premiership footballer’s phone… you never know where its been.

That’s one person I won’t have on speed-dial.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 51

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You know, back in Abraham Lincoln’s day, Vice Presidents went out hunting, too.
Hannibal Hamlin was well-known for going back to his home state of Maine to hunt wild bear. Or he’d hunt wild eagle. However, every now and then he’d blast a lawyer or two to Kingdom Come.
Back then, vice presidents could easy cover up such hunting accidents. It wasn’t like there were all that many reporters following them around, clacking away at telegraph actuators with really long wires on them.
And, failing full secrecy, one could easily just blow away the reporters.
Tempting, even to this day.

Voice

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Andrew Ian Dodge is not just a voice at the other end of a wire… or is he?

What of this voice? This voice; I mean mine; the one you are hearing now. On Thursday I am off to record this voice to see if advert companies think its worth something. Needless to say I am listening to adverts more carefully these days; more closely than the actual programs to be honest. I always used to think I was being insulted when someone told me I had a voice for radio. Thought it was a clever way of saying I had a face for radio. I don’t believe that anymore. Will it end up in anything…one never knows.

I have a simple saying “In the end, we’re all dead. Have some pie.”

Orbital

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The problem with self-navigating colonies is they’ll burn through their thruster fuel for a better view, greater solar panel efficiency, or just out of sheer spite towards whomever they put in their shadow.
Orbital Control does its best to prevent collisions between rivals, but every now and then you hear of an atmospheric breach or hull scorching due to this ruthless game.
The worst incident was when Glass Palace Five got sideswiped by Harmony Farms three years ago. Both atmospheres failed, nobody survived.
So, what was that about leaving your helmet and tank at home, soldier?
Go get it, stupid.

Hot Chocolate

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The thermometer is barely showing any red. All the doors and windows are sealed tight, and there’s a roaring fire.
It’s the perfect evening for hot chocolate.
The problem is, we don’t have any. Well, we’ve got chocolate flakes, but not enough milk to boil for the foamy kind.
We draw straws.
Short… short… short…
Long. Yeah, I drew the long straw, so I get to go out for the milk.
I bundle up with everything I’ve got, and I run out the door.
It’s only five minutes to the store and back.
Ten, if you forget your goddamned wallet.