The DNA test results came back, and my father is not my father.
“Who is my father?” I asked.
“We have no idea,” said the lab technician. “But if you get us a DNA sample, we can run tests on it.”
So, I’ve been gathering up DNA from every man in the world.
Living or dead.
Well, except for the man who I thought was my father.
“I raised you, son!” I heard him say. “Come take a sample from me! It’s the least you can do!”
So, I took a scraping from his cheek.
And closed the coffin lid.
Tag: science fiction
Writing Cap
Sometimes, I get too busy to write during the day, and my notepad is blank.
So, as I’m stumbling off to bed, I put on my Writing Cap, drink a glass of Creative Juices, and go to sleep.
The Writing Cap is supposed to pick up my brainwaves, translate them into stories, and feed them to my cell phone via Bluetooth.
Instead, it irritates my scalp and makes my hair fall out quicker.
The Creative Juices cause gut-wrenchingly awful constipation.
I call that writer’s block in the worst possible way.
(At least it’s wireless. No more strangling on the cords.)
Parallel Universe
In the parallel universe
Everyone is evil
And Spock has a beard
If Spock were a practical joker
He’d buy a false beard
And wear it every so often
So that when Kirk saw him
He’d think he was the Evil Spock
And then Spock would pull it off
And laugh.
But Spock is a Vulcan
Vulcans have no emotions
Or sense of humor
So the odds of Spock
Actually making a joke
Are incredibly small
Spock would say they are zero
But he knows the exact odds
To the fifteenth decimal place
Because he’s a scientist
And a nerd.
Camp 60
Everything that can go wrong with a moon shelter has gone wrong with Camp 60.
Air leaks.
Radiation shielding.
Communications issues.
You name it, Camp 60 has it, and no matter how much we go over that place with a fine-toothed comb, it isn’t long before we get a distress signal from the radio guy… or lose signal entirely.
It doesn’t make sense.
We used the same tools, same blueprints, same construction materials, and it’s got the same geology as the other camps.
So, we made it our jail.
Play nice, recruits, or you’ll spend a night in Camp 60.
Sarcasm
We were watching the Super Bowl, and a television commercial for a bank came on.
I read the fine print:
SUBSTANTIAL PENALTY FOR EARLY WITHDRAWAL.
I made a joke: “What do they do, cut your head off?”
Everybody in the room went silent.
And the red alarm dot on the television began to flash.
“Oh, shit… the sarcasm detector,” said the host. “They heard him.”
“They? Who?” I asked.
The screen went black, and outside… the sound of an approaching helicopter.
Oh great. The Sarcasm Police. Just what I need.
The red dot on top of the television flashed brighter.
Drugs Tomorrow
The more we learn about how the brain works, the better the drugs we’re making.
I’m not talking about curing mental illness or anxiety or brain tumors. I’m talking about the fun stuff.
Acid trips that never go bad.
Highs higher than the highest high.
Maybe it’ll be with pills. Or needles.
I’m betting on the direct route, using magnetic spin.
Quantum-level manipulation with room-temperature superconductors.
Put your head in the scanner, put your head in the cloud.
No more growing.
No more chemistry labs.
No more dealers.
No more gang wars.
Just make sure the outlet’s grounded this time.
Alive!
After our daughter died, the neighbors came by to express their condolences.
And they brought a large number of covered dishes.
So many so, that I sketched up a few plans, converted the basement to an elaborate and functional mad scientist’s lab to bring all this tuna noodle casserole to life.
Sure enough, the moment my wife threw the switch, the noodle-creature rose up and moaned: “Mommy! Daddy!”
The neighbors heard about our experiment, and arrived at the door with torches and pitchforks.
“Please stop playing God,” they said. “And we want our Corningware back if you’re done with it.”
RGB
If you take the red pill, it’s poison.
If you take the green pill, it’s poison.
And if you take the blue pill, it’s poison.
But if you take all three at the same time, yeah, it’s a really wild trip.
RGB’s the newest drug to hit the streets.
But nobody sells the pills together.
For that reason, the courts can’t convict a Red Dealer, a Blue Dealer, or Green Dealer.
You’ve got to get busted with all three, or with two trying to make the third.
So, the cops were screwed.
Until they started manufacturing and distributing genuine-looking placebos.
Faster
Professor Chandar Vapagee spent decades pushing the boundaries of physics.
And failing.
So it was a great surprise when he announced to his class that he’d developed a faster-than-light engine.
It was an even bigger surprise that it was set up in the middle of the lecture hall.
“Ten seconds to ignition!” shouted the professor.
Most of the students ran for the exits but some stayed to watch…
Three… two… one…
The machine vanished, and the professor fell to the floor.
“Oh, it works,” he told the department chair. “Now I need to work on the whole passenger compartment thing.”
The Price Of Fame
The agency sends special girls.
Stare into their eyes long enough, and you become them.
Mind-Body Psychic Transfer, they call it.
What people do, well, that’s their business, as long as they pay, and don’t get the girls hurt.
I work for this Hollywood star who pays a fortune to get away from himself.
He can go to dinner, or just walk around without getting harassed or chased by paparazzi.
Or, he’ll have the girl walk him around, and he’ll watch the crowds swarm, begging for autographs.
Weird? Yeah.
But I don’t judge. As long as he’s back for rehearsals.