Tag: book

The Final Book

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The line was curled around the block twice.
People were waiting in line for the book… the last book of the series they’ve been reading over the years.
Anybody who wasn’t in line, well, they’d barricaded themselves in their homes until they could get their own books… or borrow one from someone who had read through their early copy quickly.
They didn’t want any spoilers. They, just as much as the people in line, wanted the experience to be fresh.
What separated the two groups was a willingness to wait in long lines.
Who’s right? Who are the wiser ones?

No Plan Survives Battle

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Jane, my editor, smiles as she reads my manuscript.
“No plan survives battle,” she says, as she’s said with all my other manuscripts.
The first was a mystery. She turned it into a best-selling cookbook.
My award-winning biography of Simon Bolivar started as a simple romance.
Then came the collection of Dutch poetry, the travel guide to the moon, a guide to Poker…
Everything I give her, she completely changes it… transforms it.
When I read it, it’s still familiar. Like my own writing is trapped within, screaming to be let out.
Bills scream to be paid, too, you know.

Calvin and Dinner

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The wonderful thing about tiggers is that they taste delicious.
Ever eaten a tigger? No?
My oh my, if you haven’t eaten a tigger, you just haven’t lived.
It’s been a while since I’ve eaten one. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve seen one.
Have you see any tiggers recently?
No?
I haven’t either.
I keep putting out tigger bait on my tigger traps, but at the end of the day, there’s no tiggers in the tigger traps.
Once, I caught a tiger named Hobbes, but he tasted awful.
I hope I don’t catch any more of those.

Brassy

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I sat down on my welcome mat and stared at the bizarre doorknob on my front door.
The old brass fixture had been replaced with the talking animated doorknob from Alice In Wonderland.
And it didn’t want to open.
I waved a key in front of its eyes.
“This is the key to my house,” I said. “Now open the door.”
“That key’s dirty!” said the doorknob. “Clean it first!”
“I’ve got nothing to clean it with,” I said. “Open wide.”
“I’ll bite your fingers off!” it threatened, snapping its teeth.
I really need to cut back on the acid.

Down The Turtle Hole

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Sitting on the riverbank, Alice watched as the muttering turtle slowly pulled the pocketwatch from his shell and looked at the time.
“I’m… late….”
Alice walked over to the turtle and examined its curious markings.
“Why, his shell looks like a waistcoat,” she giggled.
“Stop… or…”
Alice’s sister knew a good turtle soup recipe, and by noon, they had the stew-pot boiling.
“So delicious it was,” they all said.
Alice checked the pocketwatch… still not time to go home yet.
She rested her head on a blanket and had herself a pleasant nap, totally lacking in chessboard and playingcard nightmares.

Virgin Mary

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The Three Wise Men took Joseph aside.
“This was a virgin birth?” asked Caspar.
“It sure as hell is,” said Joseph. “That freaky bitch took it up the ass and in the mouth, but never where it counted.”
Balthasar winced. “I’m not sure she’s technically a virgin after that,” he said.
“No, it’s a virgin birth,” said Melchior. “But she’s a dirty slut.”
All three agreed.
They were also tired of screwing their camels, so they asked Joseph if they could gangbang Mary.
“Frankincense? Myrrh? I don’t need that stuff,” he said. “But throw in the Gold, and she’s yours.”

The Tenth Commandment

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Moses waited for the tablets to cool before picking them up.
“Are you going to keep these,” asked God. “or are you going to be a prick and smash them again?”
“My blood sugar was low,” said Moses. “And besides, you had some pretty bad spelling errors on that last pair.”
“It’s not my fault you dumb Jews don’t write down vowels,” said God.
“‘Thou shalt spell Michelle with one L?'” said Moses. “What the hell is that about? Who the fuck is Michele?”
“Hurry up, messenger boy,” said God. “Your people are going nuts again.”
Moses bowed and left.

Let there be milk!

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Without the miracle, the wedding feast would have been a flop.
But now that the celebrants were drunk on the transformed wine and the party was coming to a close, it was time to clean up.
“Can you turn the wine back into water?” said Thomas. “The mugs need rinsing. Oh, and there’s some vomit to mop up, too.”
Jesus waved his mighty hand over the pitcher…
Nothing.
“It’s still wine,” he growled.
An hour later, the best he could come up with was milk.
“Well, that sucks,” said Thomas. “I guess we’ll just set this out with the coffee.”

Dancing Pinhead

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Gabriel landed at Heaven’s gates and screamed with agony, tucking into a ball and clutching his shredded, bloody sandals.
“So, did you find out how many of you can dance on the head of a pin?” asked Jesus.
“The head of a pin?” groaned Gabriel. “Wait… that’s the round flat part of it, right? And not the sharp pointy end?”
“You’re going to need new sandals, aren’t you?” Jesus sighed.
Gabriel crawled to the Quartermaster.
Jesus pulled out God’s Big Ledger Of Mysteries, wrote “It takes two to tango” in it by Angels Dancing On Pinhead, and snapped it shut.

Eden

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Ever since those humans were kicked out, it’s been pretty quiet back here in the Garden of Eden.
I’m the Gardener. I take care of the Garden.
Every day, I do an inventory of all the animals, just to make sure none are missing. They never do, but it doesn’t hurt to check.
Someone could get eaten by accident. Somehow.
Well, not really. There’s no need to eat here. Not even plants. Just soak up sunshine and dream all day long in perfect eternity.
Don’t tell God, but every now and then I punch a giraffe. Just for fuck’s sake.