When Gina goes out of town, I babysit the cats.
Myst likes to go out to hunt and play every night, but I don’t like having to go out and look for a black cat in the dark.
If I don’t let her outside, she claws at the back window, shrieks, and whines.
It’s really annoying.
So, I let her out, and she plays for a few minutes.
And then comes back, whining to come in.
So, I open the door… and she runs off.
She does this repeatedly.
Until I grab her and keep her inside.
(She’s whining again.)
Tag: silly
The duel
Stephen A. Douglas and Abraham Lincoln’s debates are legendary, but do you know of the time when Douglas demanded a duel?
Lincoln, considerably taller than Douglas, felt that the size difference afforded his opponent an unfair advantage.
“I’m a much bigger target than he,” said Lincoln.
The referee for the duel had the two men stand face-to-face. Then, he pulled out a piece of chalk, and drew a line on Lincoln’s chest at the top of Douglas’ head.
“Any shots which go over this line will not count,” he said.
Douglas laughed.
Lincoln grabbed both pistols and shot them both.
S as in Sam
Whenever some customer service representative asks me for my name, I spell it out and ask them to repeat it back to me.
When I tell them my middle initial, I always say “S as in Sam.”
“Oh, so your middle name is Sam?” asks the person on the other end of the line.
“No, it’s not,” I say.
After saying “S as in Sam” for all these years, I don’t remember what my middle name is. I just know it begins with S.
So, I looked it up on my birth certificate.
The document says “Sasinsam.”
My parents suck.
Ghost Ribbon
I wear a transparent ribbon. It lets people know that I believe in ghosts.
But I don’t just believe that ghosts exist.
No, I also believe in the right for a ghost to exist.
If a ghost is haunting someone, perhaps that person did something to deserve it, such as betray a deathbed promise, or kill that person who became the ghost?
And if a ghost wants to marry a ghost, well, who am I to say that they can’t?
As for those Ghostbusters and Poltergeist movies, well, that’s just hate-speech.
Afterlife, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for all!
Idea Store
I write a story every day.
I hope to write every day until the day I die.
Some days, ideas for stories appear to me, and I write those stories quickly.
Other days, I struggle to scribble down the story on the notepad I keep on my nightstand.
When I am completely out of ideas, I go to The Idea Store.
It’s a huge place, full of wonderful and amazing things that inspire me every time I go there. Open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I open my front door, step outside, and walk into the store.
Mr. Tile
I sat in the tub and counted the square tiles around me.
Then, I imagined they were pixels on a screen, and I filled them in to make various low-resolution images.
The easiest was a pair of eyes and a smile. I named him Mr. Tile.
“Hello, Mr. Tile,” I said. “I’m enjoying my bath very much.”
Mr. Tile said nothing.
So, I closed my eyes and took a nap.
When I woke up, Mr. Tile was gone.
So was the bathroom. And my house.
Did a tornado hit? Did the place burn down?
Sadly, I couldn’t ask Mr. Tile.
Library
Every time I do a search with Siri on my phone, Stacy yells Library and screws up my search.
“Siri,” I say. “Where is the nearest-”
“Library!” shouts Stacy.
And then a map arrears on my phone.
Fuck.
No matter where I am, she manages to disrupt my searches. Even when I am in the bathroom, she shouts through the door.
After all these searches, I know where all the libraries in the world are now.
So, I went to the nearest library, got out my phone, and asked Siri the question I wanted to ask.
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” said the librarian.
Get Your Goat
If you need a goat, buy one or borrow one from a trusted friend.
Never rent a goat.
Sure, it looks cheaper to rent a goat than to buy one, but they pile on all sorts of hidden fees and charges. “Horn Insurance” is such a scam. Most insurance policies already cover goat horns… look it up!
And then there’s the late fees. No overnight drop-offs allowed, either. Don’t even try to cram that goat through the mail slot.
inally, the rental place will charge you a fortune for goat chow if you return the goat with an empty stomach.
Pregnant
Strange things happen to women while they’re pregnant.
They sometimes have cravings for foods they never liked before. On the other hand, they reach for their favorite foods, only to discover that they taste repulsive and disgusting.
One friend who is pregnant used to like horseradish, but now find that they have a hard time with it.
So, I told her to give the horseradish a hard time back.
Instead of refrigerating the bottle after opening it like the label says, put it outside on a railing where it might tip over and fall.
That’ll show the fucker who’s boss.
A Fine Kettle
There’s no sound quite like the whistle of a teakettle.
I like to fill up the teakettle, put it on the stove, and then wait for the whistle.
Then, I take off the kettle, pour the water out, and start again.
I’ll do this a few dozen times in an evening when I’m in the mood.
Sure, you can boil water in the microwave, but there’s no whistle.
Just the beep of the timer when it’s done.
My new place has a boiling water spigot in addition to the hot and cold taps.
That’s nice.
Hand me the kettle, please.