I murdered Anderson.
I murdered Baker.
I murdered Collins.
And I’m going to murder Davis tonight.
I’m going to murder my way through the entire alphabet.
I know what you’re thinking.
You last name is Xiao. If I get that far, will I murder you?
No. I’m going to murder Ximenes.
I’d never murder you. You’re my friend.
Anderson, Baker and Collins were never my friends.
And that’s why I killed them all.
Them and Davis.
Davis dies tonight.
Maybe I’ll finish with three or four at once.
Xiao, Yancy, and Zimmerman.
Sorry, I meant Ximenes.
See ya, friend.
Art thieves hit the gallery last night, stealing every painting out of their frames.
The owner of the gallery called the police, and then called the insurance company.
The cops looked at the insurance policy.
“Oh, it’s from that company,” they said. “We busted them last month. It’s worthless.”
The gallery owner panicked and looked around…
The frames! The frames are still there!
He called his engraver and worked up new signage that showcased the ornate frames the thieves left behind.
Their avant-garde show “Focus On The Frame” was a success.
Until the dastardly frame thieves showed up.
Then, after a while, sirens.
The bank job went sour, so the robbers took hostages.
“We brought plenty of water and food for ourselves,” they said. “Either meet our demands or these hostages can starve.”
Pizzas and cokes arrived quickly, but the FBI refused their demands.
“Don’t you want a helicopter?” they asked. “Or a bus to the airport?”
“Nope,” the robbers said. “We want horsey-back rides out of here. We hadn’t had those in years and loved getting them as kids.”
When the situation was over, the FBI had to admit, they had fun, too.
A hiker stumbled over The Body last night.
Yes, that’s right – It’s The Body. Capital T, capital B.
He’s been out here long enough to grow stubble on his head, looking at the bits of scalp the vultures left.
You’d think a former Navy Seal would have been prepared for this rough terrain, but I don’t think Jesse Ventura had planned to be out in the desert long.
Or at all. Tracks led from the canyon. From the depth, wheelbase length and tread we’re thinking some kind of stretch-limo Hummer.
I squint, fold up the feather boa, and follow them.