A long time ago, I had a bronchial infection.
The doctor prescribed antibiotics, painkillers, and inhalers.
The weird thing is, after I’d take a puff of the inhaler, I lost my fear of heights.
I could lean over railings or ride glass elevators, and instead of freaking out, I’d look around and enjoy the view.
I’m sure it wasn’t the antibiotics or painkillers, because I ran out of those eventually, but had plenty of inhalers.
They didn’t last forever, though, and the fear came back.
At least asthmatics can’t put up much of a fight when I need a fix.
Tag: personal
A Tiger In Bed
Things didn’t work out.
We fought, we broke up, and she gave me a kitten her sister rescued.
Although it makes more sense to say “She gave me to the kitten.”
That little rat acted like she owned me.
So, one day, the girl comes back.
You know, to “check on the kitten.”
We wind up in bed.
She’s on top, yelling YES YES YES.. and then screaming.
Kitten was on her back, claws dug in deep.
The girl yelled at me, got dressed, and got the Hell out.
The cat cleaned her claws, curled up, and went to sleep.
The Evil Clown
Walking home from work, I saw a strange sight.
An evil clown was at the corner, waving a sign advertising a costume shop.
Halloween is next week, you know.
Anyway, I watched the evil clown dance and wave his sign at the passing traffic.
Not the most dignified of jobs, I know, but it’s still a job.
Plus, it’s unlikely that it’ll be outsourced to India, since there’s no point in some clown in Bangalore waving a sign around there when the store it’s advertising is in Houston, Texas.
“The economy’s looking up,” I said, and went along my way.
Ears
Our first four cats never cleaned each others ears.
They didn’t bond with each other.
Then, when Nardo was alone, the last cat standing, I found Bruwyn the kitten in the rain.
He bonded with Nardo, and tried to clean his ears.
Nardo freaked out, thinking it was an attack.
When we got Myst, she and Bruwyn cleaned each others ears.
And tried to groom Nardo’s.
Over time, he let them, and then would poke his head at them while they groomed themselves.
When he died, Bruwyn and Myst cleaned his ears, a final sign of respect to their mentor.
Whisper
“He’ll tell you when it’s time,” the vet had said.
After scrubbing so many sticky sprays of vomit out of the carpet and bedsheets, I kneel down and whisper into the old cat’s ear…
“Is it time?”
He gives no response. He doesn’t look up, ears back, eyes closed tighter, and I wait…
Slowly, he struggles to his feet.
Looking up, he meows. Twice.
Tail crookedly lifted high, he stumbles to the food bowl again.
Past the bottles of carpet stain remover.
The spat-out pills hidden in half-chewed treats.
I’m exhausted, and I feel guilty for wishing he’d say:
“Now.”
The Prank
It was your typical kindergarten classroom.
Art supplies, colorful dangling mobiles, and a lot of construction paper cutouts.
On one board, a bunch of colors spelled out:
Red was red
Green was green
Blue was blue.
That weekend, Mom dragged me to a hobby shop.
I begged for construction paper letters.
When April first finally rolled around, the teacher left the room, and I took down the colored words.
Then, I added my own:
Blue was red
Red was yellow
Yellow was green
I got sent to the principal’s office.
But not for the prank.
They thought I was color-blind.
Change Bulbs
Instead of going out to lunch, I eat carrots and celery at my desk at work.
Then, when I get my lunch break, I go for an hourlong power walk through the tunnels under Downtown Houston.
During one of my walks, a crew of three men had spread a tarp on the floor and were changing lightbulbs.
But they were moving the ladder out of the way when people approached, not rotating it as one guy on it held the bulb.
Why they had the tarp on the floor, I never asked. I just walked back to work and pondered.
Walking
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There are a lot of grocery stores within walking distance from where I live.
It’s good exercise.
I walked to Kroger to get chicken and lemons.
Then I walked to Central Market to get bread crumbs.
I realized I didn’t have enough butter, so I went to HEB to get that, too.
I made lemon chicken that night. It was delicious.
But the next morning, I didn’t have milk for my coffee.
Dipped the chicken in it for the breading.
So, I used Bailey’s instead.
(Now we’re out of that, too.)
Count
When I was fat and needed exercise, I’d walk for an hour or two every day.
The problem with walking is that once you burn off the easy weight and get your legs toned, your gut still needs work.
So, I did situps.
At first, I’d count up until I reached my goal, but I’d fall short every time.
Then, I’d count down from my goal to zero, but that didn’t help, either.
That’s when I decided to just do as many as I could, make each one count, and be happy with that.
Isn’t that what life is about?
Ozymandias
When I was growing up, I had a lamp with a toy soldier standing next to a cannon and guardhouse.
He had no name.
I wanted to turn the lamp so the soldier watched over me while I slept, but that would turn the cannon to face me, and what if it went off?
Not good.
So, I turned the lamp so the soldier and the cannon faced the door.
I didn’t sleep well at all.
That’s when I tried to turn the soldier on the lamp’s base.
He broke at the shins.
I named him Ozymandias.
And slept well.