Tag: work

Bad Blocks

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I scan the memory, block by block, looking for segment errors.
The scan is clear, but I know that there’s a bad block in there somewhere.
I run it again. Still clear.
Then I shift the program to a different location. The exposed virus crawls block-by-block back underneath it like a cockroach scuttling back under a refrigerator that’s been moved.
Gotcha!
I run the scanner again, this time from an external address.
All clear on the memory space.
And that’s what my lawyer said when they found the virus running free, carried out of the blocks by my memory scanner.

Secretaries

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When I have a choice, I’ll always pick the ugly secretary.
It’s been my lifelong experience that pretty secretaries can get by on their wonderful looks, but ugly secretaries have to be good at what they do.
It has also been my experience that pretty receptionists are utterly useless. Nobody wants them as a secretary, so they stick them up front to greet people.
There are no ugly receptionists. Well, in a way, there are.
In those cases, they’re meant to be security guards. Not exactly a friendly reception, but very useful, as my experience and two broken legs suggest.

Crawling

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Once, when I was having a weird day at work, I spent the whole day crawling.
I was crawling along the hall, meeting with people, making copies, and getting some filing done.
A lot of people asked if I was looking for something or if I needed help.
“No,” I said. “I just feel really weird today.”
Of course, I wasn’t just crawling on the floor. I mean, there’s lot of nice walls and ceilings to crawl on where I work.
As long as I don’t crawl on Janet from Accounting again, I don’t think it’s violating any policies, right?

Hawaiian Shirt Day

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Joey never played along with Hawaiian Shirt Friday at work.
Everybody else was as colorful as the rainbow, but Joey kept wearing the same button-down suits he wore every other day.
“Joey, it’s Hawaiian Shirt Friday today,” said his boss. “Come on, join in the fun.”
“This shirt is Hawaiian,” said Joey. “I got it off a dead Hawaiian at a nightclub.”
Nobody bothered Joey about Hawaiian Shirt Day after that.
But, oddly enough, coworkers started clubbing with him a lot more often.
He knows all the cool places. And, let’s face it, he’s good at sizing up fashion, too.

The Joy Of Work

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The biggest joy of this new office is the fact that it takes me less time to get here and a lot less time to get home.
Sure, I used to read on the bus, or listen to music, or nap.
But now, I can spend that time the way I want to. No more rushing through other things because my day was eaten up by a stupidly long commute.
Of course, my joy at my shorter commute means that countless others have longer commutes of their own.
I’m so sad for them.
Like they never were for me.
HAH!

The City So Nice, They Named It Four Times

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Loud guitars and tickertape greet our hero, back from a moon mission.
Or is he a baseball player that set some record?
Nobody knows anymore.
Motorcade stops at City Hall, everybody piles out.
More cheering, more guitars, more tickertape.
The mayor hands him the key to the city, photos get snapped, and he’s back to the airport in an hour.
Perfect.
That’s what we do here – we’re The Other New York.
New York got so busy, they built this place to keep all the parades from tying up traffic, losing business.
Time to sweep the tickertape.
Gotta recycle, you know.

Level Playing Field

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All of the headstones are flush with the ground, which has been flattened to allow for quick and easy lawn maintenance.
The groundskeepers are supposed to collect up the flowers and flags and candles and other items left behind, but they never do.
There’s a brief change in tone of the drone of the lawnmower as it chews up and spits out pieces of whatever trinket it’s absorbed, spraying it across the lawn with the grass clippings.
The leaf-blowers toss the grass clippings, leaves, and shards of shared memory into the air.
I’m sure it lands somewhere. Not my problem.

Walking

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The cost of shoes has skyrocketed.
Shoes used to be inexpensive, but they’re become expensive because of greedy speculators and shoe industry executives.
People are being urged to conserve their shoes, but they keep buying socks that wear shoes out quickly, or they insist on walking when they should be driving.
Or riding a bicycle, but bicycles aren’t exactly cheap these days, either. And our infrastructure just isn’t ready for them.
“We’re a walking economy,” says the President. “So we need to reduce our dependency on foreign sources of shoes.”
Lots of talk, but we never truly walk the walk.

Key Ring

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The super in my building has the most amazing ring of keys.
I swear, it is as big as a hula hoop and has ten thousand keys hanging from it.
No matter what door, cabinet, or padlock he faces, he never searches for more than a second before finding the right key.
“I just know where every key is in the ring,” he says. “Everything has its place.”
He died last week while fixing the sink in 3F.
It was as much a part of him as his nine fingers. I wondered if they would bury him with that thing.

Fall again

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It’s Fall again. Sun comes up later, temperature doesn’t get up as high as in the Summer.
If its get warmer, you can always take off a jacket or a sweater.
Or a hat. Lots of heat comes out of your head. Makes sense to have a hat to take off.
If it gets cold, just put the jacket back on. Put the hat back on, too.
Don’t worry about your hair. It’s fine, really.
It’s not quite time for a scarf, but if you want one, sure, go ahead.
Just don’t get it caught in the elevator door again.