Tag: childhood

The Teacher

636183

One day, a crate arrived marked TEACHER on the side.
An electrical cord dangled out from a hole.
“Plug it in for 8 hours,” a note said.
So, the principal did.
All of the kids sat quietly while the box hummed slightly.
After 8 hours, the crate was unplugged and the kids left.
Until it was school time again. Once again, kids sat down and it was plugged in.
A dozen kids showed up on Saturday, wanting to learn more.
“Go home,” said the principal.
None showed up on Sunday. They were at church, staring at a crate marked PREACHER.

Colored Clouds

636186

Paska is a small island with just a few hundred residents.
Everybody knows everyone else.
Especially Josh. He may be Mainlander, but he’s with the Weather Bureau.
He gets freshly-baked pies and hugs when the weather is good.
He gets things thrown at him when the weather is bad.
Every now and then, he likes to tinker with the weather control engine and make the clouds all different colors.
“Make a pink bunny!” says the mayor’s daughter.
Josh pushes a few buttons, pulls a lever, and the island’s church is incinerated by lightning.
“Um,” says Josh. “The bunnies are angry.”

Masturbation

636184

If you’ve read Fark, you’ve heard the adage: Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
So, every time a cat masturbates, does God kill a baby?
I know the answer. And the answer is YES.
Malnutrition, ad genetics, crib death – the government and WHO make excuses, but you’ll never get the truth out of their reports.
It’s masturbating cats killing all the babies! Damn them!
Very few people know. Bob Barker is one of them.
Why do you think he kept saying to spay and neuter your pets?
It was for the children. It was always for the children.

Cake Baking

636183

Mom was busy in the kitchen, baking a gigantic cake.
Little Susie asked why.
“It’s Baking A Cake Day,” said Mom. “And that’s why I am baking a cake.”
“Why is there a Baking A Cake Day, Mommy?” asked Little Susie.
“To celebrate Cake-Baking!”
“Why celebrate cakes? Why not pies?”
“You’re not an unpatriotic pie-lover are you?”
Little Susie asked why pie was bad, but her mother shoved her out the door.
“Go play outside!” she shouted.
Susie walked through the trees to the neighborhood creek and made mud pies with her friends.
But she came home caked with dirt.

Madman

636178

We drag the madman out of the basement and let him loose in the back yard.
The neighborhood kids squeal with joy and wave their butterfly nets.
“ONE! TWO! THREE!”
The madman hears the counting and remembers…
He needs to flee!
“NINE! TEN! ELEVEN!”
Over the fence he goes, and he”s loose in the streets. He jumps over hedges, paws at a car door, kicks over lawn ornaments…
EIGHTEEN! NINETEEN! TWENTY!
The kids swarm through the gate, laughing and cheering.
They catch the madman at a phone booth, trying to call Saturn.
Perhaps, next time, we’ll release two of them.

Garage Door

636183

Right after breakfast, when it’s time to go to school, Danny does this trick – he hits the garage door button and then watches the garage door go down and down and down…
When the time is just right, he runs for the garage door and rolls under it.
“Garage Door Limbo” he calls it.
One day, Danny’s principal calls his mom at work.
“Is Danny sick?” he asks.
His mom races back home, sees Danny trapped under the garage door.
Stone cold dead.
She weeps. If the garage door didn’t kill him, well, running him over finished him off.

Mark Brown

636182

Mark Brown. Spoiled rotten rich kid.
The worst bully in the entire school.
He pushed kids down the stairs.
Nobody ever stopped him.
One day, he tried to push me down the stairs.
But I saw him coming and ducked to the side.
Mark lost his balance and fell, tumbling down.
Crack… he broke his neck.
Laying there in the hospital bed, he tries to apologize to me.
“Say it like you mean it, Mark,” I say.
He’s crying, looking at the ventilator hose.
My hand, crimping it shut.
“Cry for me,” I say.
There’s a new bully in town.

Blowtorch

636181

Molly says that the blowtorch had a label that said FOR ALL AGES but I think it’s a misprint.
“If they thought it was dangerous, it would say KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN, wouldn’t it?” she said.
“I guess so,” I say. “But not everything that’s dangerous for kids has a warning label on it.”
“If it was dangerous, it wouldn’t have FOR ALL AGES on it. It’s safe.”
I had a gut feeling Molly was wrong, but I couldn’t come up with a response.
So, I gently placed the blowtorch in the crib and removed the handgun.

Wakeup Stories

674741

Most parents tell their kids bedtime stories, but Joe, he told his kids wakeup stories.
Happened every morning. First, they’d get themselves a good night’s sleep. Then, when the sun came up, they’d open their eyes, and they’d see their dad, sitting on the side of the bed and watching them.
“What story do you want to hear?” he’d ask, giggling like a maniac.
The kids tried setting their alarm clocks earlier, but Joe was right there, ready for them.
Pretty soon, the kids stopped sleeping at all.
So, you don’t like my bedtime stories, Susie?
Ohhhhhhh… okay.
Thought so.

Implants

636180

How fast they grow up.
My little girl, Lisa, wants neural implants.
All the kids at school have them, why can’t she?
When her mother and I were kids, we had to wait until we were grown up to get them.
Now, the school system pushes the kids harder and harder. And it’s so much cheaper to jack in a kid to the network than teach them the old way.
The green hair took some getting used to. The piercings. The drinking. The boyfriends. The usual signs of rebellion.
But then, I guess the third grade’s been tough for her.