Once upon a time, there was a duck’s nest full of eggs.
They all hatched at the same time.
One of the babies was uglier than the rest, and the others picked on him.
As they all grew up, the ugly baby didn’t sprout feathers and a beak.
Instead, he grew shiny scales, pointy teeth, and wickedly sharp foreclaws.
Because he was a velociraptor.
One day, a duck made a comment about how ugly he looked.
The velociraptor slashed his head off, and he ate the duck.
Then, he killed and ate all of the judgmental little bastards.
How delicious!
Tag: quote
The Cowardly Little Phone
The toaster, radio, lamp, electric blanket, and vacuum left the cabin to seek out their long-lost owner.
The rest of the furniture stayed behind and waited.
Some of the furniture had an excuse not to join the expedition. The television’s tube was too fragile, and the bed was too large to fit out the door.
The telephone had no excuse. It was small, agile, and light.
But after years of constant ringing, it was finally free of the headaches, and it didn’t want that pain ever again.
That’s why it refused to call in the first place.
Silence was golden.
The Wrong Watson
James Watson was a diligent lab assistant, but his boss liked to smoke opium. Instead of inventing the telephone, he’d get stoned and pretend to be Sherlock Holmes.
“The game is afoot!” shouted Alexander Graham Bell into the receiver.
Watson walked down the hall and into Bell’s office. “What did you say?” he said.
Bell would laugh, pick up the violin, and play.
Badly.
Later, Bell shouted “Does LeStrade have another case for us?” into the receiver.
“Yes,” shouted Watson back. “It’s the case of Shut The Fuck Up And Invent The Telephone.”
Bell smiled, and then invented the bitchslap.
Big Girls
The Four Seasons sang that big girls don’t cry, but they were full of shit. The bigger the girl, the bigger the tears.
Hell, I’ve found out that big girls don’t just cry, but they tend to throw punches and occasionally pull a knife.
The biggest girl I knew was nine feet tall, and she carried a sledgehammer. Whenever she cried, she’d cry buckets, and then whallop the hell out of anything nearby: phone booths, Buicks. She was a vicious wrecking machine.
That’s why I stick to midgets.
Even if they do cry, at least the property damage is minimal.
Bugs
I wonder, if RAID kills bugs dead, are there other kinds of killing bugs?
I smacked a few dozen bugs with my shoe, but they were killed just as dead as the bugs I killed with RAID.
I tried a few other methods of killing bugs, but they were all killed dead.
Then, I learned the art of Necromancy, and killed a few bugs undead.
They turned into zombie bugs, crawling around and acting creepy… well… nothing really changed much, because that’s what bugs do. Crawl around and act creepy.
I smashed them with my shoe to finish them off.
Shut the fuck up, you’re rocking the boat
I dreamt last night I was on the boat to Heaven.
Some dude stood up and shook dice at me.
“What are you, some kind of D&D freak?” I said “Sit down.”
The guy then pulled a bottle of whiskey out of his jacket and offered it to me.
“Dude, this boat’s already got me seasick. Put that away and sit down.”
He frowned, and that’s when a great big wave hit.
I shoved him overboard, took the bottle, and drank it.
Someone told me to sit down.
I told them to shut the fuck up.
Sanctimonious little prick.
The Pea
Once upon a time, there was a prince that was seeking a bride.
But every prospect just wasn’t good enough for him, and he sent them away.
Until one rainy night, a woman showed up at the palace, seeking shelter from the storm.
The prince stacked up a dozen mattresses, and he slipped a single pea under them.
Then, the princess climbed up the mattress pile, got under the covers, and tried to go to sleep.
But as hard as she tried, she couldn’t.
“Do you feel that pea?” asked the prince.
“No,” said the princess. “I’m afraid of heights.”
Reno
Johnny Cash once sang that he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
So, I stayed out of Reno. Even if he was on tour on the other side of the world.
Just couldn’t take a chance, you know.
Now that he’s dead, I go to Reno all the time.
I walk along the sidewalk, smiling wide, and laughing when someone tells me that acting like a greenhorn will get me shot.
“No way,” I say calmly. “Because Johnny Cash is dead.”
They draw their guns and scowl.
I hope they’re not related to him. Or clones.
Unglued
To the man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
To the man with a screwdriver, everything looks like a screw.
And to a man with spiders glued to his face, everything looks like spiders.
Why someone would glue spiders to his face, I’m not sure.
The man with a hammer offers to smash the spiders with his hammer.
And the man with the screwdriver offers to stab the spiders with his screwdriver.
Neither solution sounds good to the man with spiders glued to his face.
Of course, nobody thought to ask the spiders what they thought or wanted.
Oh By The Way
My least favorite words are: “Oh, by the way.”
Whenever someone says that, it means they forgot to tell me something important, and they’re about to make it my fault for not knowing about it.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” is not the proper response to an “Oh, by the way.”
Instead, you should say “I’d like you to put your oversight in writing so that I can hold you legally responsible for any consequences that result from your failure to keep me informed.”
They never do.
This is why I record everything…
Oh, by the way, I’m recording this.