Tag: society

The Asteroid

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Astronomers spotted the asteroid last week.
It didn’t take long to figure out it was coming this way.
Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.
The governments of the world called for calm.
The police of the world tried to maintain order.
They failed. The people rioted.
That’s when someone remembered that the great science fiction authors had met with NASA to construct a plan.
But NASA had shelved the project and couldn’t find the report.
Harlan Elisson was the last one alive.
They went to his house, found he had shot himself, and read the simple note:
“Fuck you all.”

The Bathroom Police

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It’s not every day you see 200 kids being lectured by a gigantic toilet.
Officer Flushy goes from school to school, teaching kids about the joys of washing hands, conserving toilet paper, and turning in kids to fix up with heroin in the bathrooms.
The program worked for other school districts, so we figured we’d give it a try.
Nobody told Officer Flushy about Big Mike, though.
He’s twenty foot-tall retarded kid from the woods. We think he’s half-giant.
He can’t read or write, but at least we’ve managed to toilet train him.
Much to Officer Flushy’s public, humiliating chagrin.

Money

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I know one guy who’s just rolling in money
No, I’m not rolling in money. And even if I were, I don’t think rolling in money is a very productive thing to do.
Invest it. Spend it. Save it.
But roll in it?
That’s just weird.
Then there’s the guy with money to burn.
That’s just fucking crazy. Burning money.
Sometimes, he dangles the money over the flame to tease me.
Once these two guys got together, and they ended up rolling in burning money.
I grabbed what I could, buried the charred corpses, and bought a ticket to Reno.

Behind Enemy Lines

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The architect designed a beautiful cathedral for the city, but the builder was slightly deaf, so when he heard “Confessional Booth” he thought he heard “Concession Booth.”
Things looked normal until the builder handed the job off to the decorators and the spot where parishioners were supposed to confess their sins, ended up a gaudy-colored alcove with glass counters under which candy bars were displayed.
The archbishop was outraged.
Until he saw how much revenue the large popcorn and Coke combo pack was bringing in.
“Besides,” he said to the cardinal, “We’re sick of hearing the same old crap confessed.”

Miracle Season

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Another Opening Day at Wrigley Field, which means another disastrous season for the Cubs.
Ball after ball sails over the brick wall, and fans are booing and leaving before the inning is through.
It was halfway through another losing season that The Miracle happened.
The outfielder with the bloated multiyear contract and batting two hundred chased a fly ball into the ivy… and never emerged.
He was gone.
The umpire stopped the game, and the crew searched.
No sign of the player.
The game was called, and the FBI searched.
They never found him, and his replacement played much better.

Problem causing

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It’s not easy to teach problem solving skills to kids, but it’s something that they need to learn to get through life.
However, in order for them to solve problems, there need for there to be problems for them to solve.
There’s a problem with that: There are no problems anymore.
Maybe back in the old Twenty-First Century, there were problems, but not now.
However, in case a problem does come up, they need to be able to solve it.
So, we tell them about problems from back then.
And they laugh. Because it’s so absurd.
Try solving that problem.

The Tire Swing

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Back when I lived in Shermerville a long time ago, there was a huge willow tree in the yard.
My dad hung a tire swing from it, and we’d swing on that.
When the knot would come loose, the tire would fall and roll and bounce around.
If you were inside it, well, you got knocked around with it.
After a few times that happened, instead of making the knot safer, the rope and tire were removed
Sometimes, I think back to that tire swing.
Then I look around at the world, and I realize, the knot is coming loose.

The Right Religion

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After thousands of years of praying, sacrificing, killing, maiming, and suffering through gospel music, mankind had finally determined which of all religions was the right one.
The Global Address System, normally reserved for planetwide emergencies, was turned on as the researchers revealed their findings.
“We have determined that the Supreme Being is the 2917k5b Asteroid,” they said. “This mighty rock may not be the creator of our universe, but it will certainly be our destruction.”
Riots and chaos spread across the globe, and billions of people died.
“Nice joke there, Dr. Walters,” said a scientist. “Solved that pesky population problem.”

Advertising

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I don’t like advertising in bathrooms.
So when I see ads in the mens bathroom, I take then down, go into the womens bathroom, and put the ads up there. Then I take down the womens ads and put them in the mens room.
Nothing quite like walking up to a urinal with a leg razor ad staring you in the face, right?
I’ve also noticed that toilet paper is much nicer in the womens bathrooms, so I take the rolls from there.
Do I put them in the mens room?
No. I just take them for myself.
I’m cheap.

The Overcoat

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For a century, Danny O’Bannon’s overcoat hung on a hook in O’Bannon’s Bar.
His great-grandson Timothy stared at it and then the contract on his desk.
Danny also liked to gamble, but Danny picked winners.
“Just sign it, Tim,” said the lawyers for the development company. “We’ll take care of the rest.”
Tim picked up the pen and wrote his name at the bottom of the contract.
When the lawyers left, Timothy put on the overcoat and looked for the old hurricane lantern.
One flick of the lighter, and the old bar was in flames.
And O’Bannon’s was no more.