Tag: childhood

hero

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I never understood that superhero, the one who walked out of an atomic explosion and had flames on his head. Flamehead Guy or Atomic Firehead or something like that.
“Help, Atomic Flamehead Guy!” someone would shout. And he’d fly to rescue them.
Do you think he lit cigarettes with his head? Or made s’mores with it?
If I had a flaming head, I would.
I thought he was cool. I wanted to be him for Halloween, but my mother stopped me before I could light this Sterno can I glued to my head.
What? She’s gone?
Light me up, dude!

Shipping not included

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What is it with people and shopping?
I never understood it when I was little. We’d go to another city and my family would go shopping at franchise stores identical to places back home. Same stuff, different place.
They’d also eat at franchise restaurants exactly like back home. Why not go local?
Seventy years later, and my grandkids visit me here at Tycho Base.
Straight to the mall they bound, Sharper Image and Macy’s. Same crap they have dirtside.
Never mind the huge fees for dropshipping this consumermass from orbit. I think shopping without consciousness or awareness is a compulsion.

Trouble With Teddy

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“How on Earth could this happen?” mumbled Arthur.
He read the brochure again:
“The Teddy 3000 is your child’s best friend. Teddy is soft and huggable. Teddy can be used as a floatation device. Teddy has GPS tracking if your child is kidnapped. Teddy is made from 100% recycled materials and is 100% recyclable. Teddy can be used as a breathing mask or emergency environment-proof tent. Teddy knows all your child’s favorite songs.”
Arthur put the brochure down and looked at Teddy.
Teddy stared back.
They both watched powerlessly as Arthur’s daughter played “fort” with the box Teddy came in.

It’s a cookbook!

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Alice sat with her sister on the riverbank, bored out of her mind. She didn’t feel like braiding flowers again, and she wasn’t terribly interested in the book her sister was reading, either.
That’s when the White Rabbit muttered something about being late, looked at his pocketwatch, and hopped towards a hole in the riverbank.
Alice waited for the snap of the rabbit-trap.
It came, and the rabbit screamed in agony.
“Have you found a recipe for rabbit yet?” asked Alice.
“I think so,” said her sister, shutting the cookbook. “You club it, I’ll skin it.”
Alice kept the pocketwatch.

Recycling

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You’d be surprised at the number of people who don’t come back to pick up their prints.
We used to call them ourselves, but now we let the computer call them.
Still, some folks just don’t care. So unclaimed prints and negatives get kept for a year before they’re tossed in the dumpster.
We really ought to shred or recycle them, but we don’t.
Every day you see someone who looks like a registered pervert go dumpster diving and pull out a box or two.
It’s disgusting, but I guess it’s better than them doing things to the actual kids.

The Running of The Scissors

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“Ole!”
Maria yanked the shears from Paco’s hand, slicing his finger.
“These are your father’s shears,” said Maria. “You are still much too young. When you are old enough, you will run with them.”
Paco sucked his finger and scowled. “Luiz is running again this year,” he whined.
“So, what of it?” snapped Maria. “Luiz can lose his other eye.” She handed him a pair of round-edged scissors. “Be content with these.”
By the time Paco’s father said he was old enough to run, Pamplona had replaced the scissors with bulls.
Not that it mattered to the blind, seven-fingered Paco.

Ancient Indian Burial Ground Corners

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So, how did this place get the name “Ancient Indian Burial Ground Corners?”
Because it’s built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
When it rains, skeletons pop out of the weak points in the ground. Arrowheads lodge themselves in tires all the time. And cable reception’s spotty when spirits gather to unleash spectral fury upon the defilers of their graves.
Not all is gloom and doom, though. The Little League team always wins because visiting teams have the piss scared out of them when they come here.
So, do you want a brochure, or are you ready to buy now?

Those Who Can’t Do

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On the first day of school, the most important thing to do is to identify who’s dealing what drugs this year. Sometimes, your connection ends up getting transferred to another school or sent to juvie, and you need to get your fix through someone else.
One thing’s for sure: the prices always go up. The stuff they sell might change from grade to grade, even though you can always find the classics if you look hard enough, but you’ll always shell out more for that same high.
And people think the three months off is why I teach.
As if!

Stung by the spelling bee!

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The Caesar Chavez Middle School Spelling Bee was drawing to a close. Twenty-three kids had left the stage, and it was down to Shirley and Humberto.
Once again, a blue card was drawn from the deck on the podium.
“The word is insomnia,” said the judge. “Insomnia”
Shirley took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Insomnia,” she shouted. “I-N-S…”
“INS??????”
The auditorium burst into chaos. Half the audience raced to the exits. The other half drew guns and shouted various curses in Spanish.
The Spelling Bee judge sighed. “I hate holding these things in San Diego.”
Eventually, Humberto won.

102

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We put a bag over Scottie’s head, hand him a club, and tell him to start swinging.
The finesse of piñata is in knowing when to yank the rope. At some point, you have to let the kid land a blow or two.
It’s like toying with a cat. You can’t keep teasing the cat forever. Eventually, the cat gets frustrated and gives up.
Also, piñata challenges the senses. Even though Scottie is blindfolded, he can still determine the piñata’s location by the sound of the jingling bell inside.
I knew I should have taken the cat’s collar off first.