The Bolton kid vanished after school, so we got together a search party.
We had such a good time looking, when we found the kid in the woods, we shooed him away.
“We’re having too good of a time looking for you,” we said. “Quit ruining our fun! Get lost.”
The kid cried and ran off, and we started having fun looking for him again.
The Boltons were angry, however.
“How could you do that?” they shouted.
When they joined the search party, though, they realized how fun it was.
“I hope he never comes home!” shouts Mrs. Bolton gleefully.
Tag: cliche
Wherefore art thou?
The Verona town guard gave the Capulets and Montagues a wide berth during patrols.
“Wherefore art thou, Romeo?” shouted Juliet.
Romeo was behind a tree, clutching his bleeding shoulder. “I swear I’ll get you, bitch!” he shouted back.
Juliet swung the rifle around and squeezed the trigger.
Romeo yelped in terror as the bullet struck the tree he was behind.
“Come out and tell me how my beauty is like the sun one more time, you creep!”
Romeo heard Juliet’s father chastising her.
He made a quick escape… and took a bullet in the back.
“Good shot, Daddy!” Juliet cheered.
Once upon a Tim
Once upon a Tim, there was a happy colony of bacteria.
I can’t tell you where that colony was on Tim, but wherever it was, the bacteria were happy.
Tim, on the other hand, was not happy.
The bacteria were flesh-eating bacteria, and since Tim was the closest flesh to them, the bacteria were eating Tim.
Tim lay in the hospital, nurses pumping antibiotics into his body while doctors prepared for emergency radical amputation.
The bacteria lived happily ever after in a petri dish at the CDC.
Tim, or what was left of him, didn’t.
(Who cares, right?)
The end.
Don’t believe the frog
No, you’re not imagining things. That frog out by the castle gate can talk.
Let me guess: he says he’s a prince, and all you have to do is kiss him to change him back?
Yeah, that’s true. But he’s not telling you the whole story.
Sure, he’s a prince, but he was changed into a frog because he had been bitten by a werewolf.
Since the castle’s healer doesn’t have a cure for lycanthropy, he had the court magician turn the prince into a frog.
So go ahead. Kiss him. Be my guest.
Get your damn throat torn out.
Breaking hearts
She has a reputation for breaking hearts.
Which is why she got pulled off of the artificial heart assembly line and put in the product testing group.
“If you’re going to break these things, we’d rather you do it in a way that helps save lives, not kill people,” said the factory managers.
The curious thing is, when she breaks a heart, analysts look over the heart and can’t find the reason why it failed.
“She had such promise,” says a factory manager. “So much potential. It’s too painful to watch her fail like this.”
And another heart is broken.
Nervous reaction
As a nuclear scientist, I’m familiar with chain reactions and have made a career of harnessing and controlling them.
If not enough atoms get excited, the reaction dies out.
If too many get excited, the reaction gets out of control and…
Well, let’s just say the least of it is that I lose my job.
Not that I’m worried about that. I’m really good with chain reactions.
Well, usually good.
However, when it comes to nervous reactions, I’m completely hopeless.
One person in a crowd gets excited.
Then two.
Then ten.
Then twenty.
I guess shouting “RADIATION LEAK!” doesn’t help.
Snowglobe
I may look young, but I’m really over one hundred years old.
What’s my secret?
I drink nothing but the fluid from snowglobes.
You see, they fill those things with water from The Fountain Of Youth.
That’s where the sparkle comes from.
Ambrosia. Nectar of the Gods.
Oh, sure, it looks like ordinary water.
But it’s not. It’s powerful magic.
And it’s kept me alive for over one hundred years.
Crack it open… drink right from the snowglobe, don’t pour it into a glass.
Feel the tingle. Feel the burn.
Live forever.
Just try not to choke on the snowman.
Mister Clean
Mister Clean wasn’t always clean.
Despite his parents’ best efforts, he refused to clean his room.
“You’d better clean your room,” his mother would say. “Or you’re not getting any dinner.”
“Fine by me,” he said. “Everything you make tastes like ammonia and bleach anyway.”
She’d send him to his room, and he’d happy comply, slamming the door shut.
“At least we don’t have to see his room with the door closed,” his father said.
But they did have to smell it.
So, they took him to a mental hospital, where his head was shaved and he received shock therapy.
River City
The conman broke into the library at night to do his research on the town.
Henry Hill may have been an awful music teacher, but he was brilliant when it came to the field of meteorology.
Studying the flood records, he calculated the perfect window in which to roll out his music lessons scam.
The final parade would coincide with the biggest storm of the season and massive flooding.
Henry put his notes in his pocket and went to the librarian’s desk.
Nice perfume, he thought. But he was strictly business on his scams…
Oh, such a pretty name… Marian.
Not So Nicely
After killing the bottle, I passed out.
My dream?
I was on the boat to Heaven.
Some dude holding dice and a bottle of whiskey stood up and shouted “Someone, fade me!”
The boat started to rock and I growled “Sit down!”
He stumbled over to me and stared at me with his bloodshot eyes, and the stench from his breath and grimy tattered coat filled me with disgust.
“Make me,” he said.
So, I tried, but we both fell overboard.
Down… Down…
That’s when I woke up, stumbled to the sink, vomited, and swore…
No more musicals before bed.