The doctor called it a Z Pack.
Two antibiotic pills the first day, and then a pill for each of the next four days.
The first day, my sinuses cleared up, and my cough eased.
The second day, I was hearing strange bubbling and squishing noises from my guts.
The third day was spent on the toilet, expelling my gastrointestinal tract’s contents and its helpful bacterial flora.
The fourth day, I could have swallowed golf balls and launched them further than Jack Nicklaus at a driving range.
The rest, I don’t want to remember.
Pass the antibacterial hand wipes, please.
Tag: drugs
At your expense
According to the company’s expense report policy, alcohol may not be expensed unless a Vice President or above is present at the event and approves of the expense.
This makes for a very difficult situation if the Vice President is giving you such a hard time at the event that you are driven to crawl away and drink yourself stupid. Because the next morning, when you sober up in a pile of empty bottles, it’s going to be difficult to get approval for the expense.
And that’s assuming you wake up with receipts in your pockets, let alone your pants.
RGB
If you take the red pill, it’s poison.
If you take the green pill, it’s poison.
And if you take the blue pill, it’s poison.
But if you take all three at the same time, yeah, it’s a really wild trip.
RGB’s the newest drug to hit the streets.
But nobody sells the pills together.
For that reason, the courts can’t convict a Red Dealer, a Blue Dealer, or Green Dealer.
You’ve got to get busted with all three, or with two trying to make the third.
So, the cops were screwed.
Until they started manufacturing and distributing genuine-looking placebos.
Gene
Every time I read about a road fatality, I check to see if the people in the car were wearing seatbelts or the motorcyclist was wearing a helmet.
Oh, and if they were drinking.
Despite decades of education and laws, people still do shit like that, and they die or occasionally kill people.
I wonder if it’s a set of genes. The “Don’t Wear Seatbelts” gene or the “Drink While Driving” gene.
Sadly, they’re not linked, so sometimes a drunk driver wears a seatbelt, crashes, and lives.
It’ll take a few more generations to weed those genes out, I think.
Quil
NyQuil is green and makes you drowsy.
DayQuil is orange and doesn’t make you drowsy.
So, what happens if you drink them both?
I don’t know.
So, I went outside to a picnic table, poured out a capful of each of the liquids, and waited patiently.
Slowly, the moon covered the sun, and the sky grew dark.
At the moment of total coverage, where night was day and day was night, I drank.
The taste was horrendous, but passed quickly.
Then, my stomach felt warm.
And the feeling passed.
The moon slowly moved away from the sun…
And it winked.
Never again
Every now and then, I have a drink, but not as much as I once did.
Yeah, in my prime, I was a drunk.
My college transcript was done with a breathalyzer.
Used to drink four margaritas at Cabo’s, or nine Red Bull and Jagermeisters somewhere else.
Said “Never again” enough to make Elie Wiesel demand royalties.
And my old pal Jack Daniels, well, he’s been married three times: Coke, diet Coke, and Coke Zero.
Ain’t alimony a zero-calorie bitch?
Nowadays, maybe some wine, or coffee needs a dash of Bailey’s, but just for flavor, mind you.
Drunk?
Never again.
The Fever
We don’t bother taking Ed’s temperature anymore.
You can tell by the sweat and the redness, he’s burning up.
Still, as the doctor told us to do, we’ve filled his pillow with ice, covered his forehead with damp towels, praying his fever will break.
It’s hard to get him to drink, because he’s constantly whispering nonsense and won’t sip from the glass, so we get him to suck on a damp towel when we can… it’s reflex.
When his temperature’s down again, the doctor will inject me, and it’ll be my turn for the fever.
I hope our vaccine works.
O’Meter
Paddy O’Brien slammed down his mug and let loose a loud belch.
“That be an eight on the burp-o-meter!” he shouted to the rest of the bar.
The bartender tapped Paddy on the shoulder. “That be a four.”
He held up a small device which showed a large red 4 in LEDs.
“Balderdash!” sneered Paddy, pulling out his iPhone and proudly showed the 8 on it.
The bartender took the iPhone, closed the app, and read the icon.
“Fart-o-meter,” he said. “That’s a whole different scale, Paddy.”
Paddy frowned, but brightened up when the bartender filled up his mug again.
Forget
You.
I didn’t want to know
your name.
But when you asked for help,
I helped.
And all it took was
Just
One
Click.
There it was.
Right. There.
I told myself
“I won’t search it.”
But I did.
And all it took was
Just
One
Click.
Click.
Click.
I can’t unsee that.
I don’t want to know.
So, I took out a forgetting pill.
The ones that
Nasty people use
To do nasty things
But I use it
For good.
To forget.
And I swallowed it.
Just
One
Little
Pill
I won’t even remember
That I swallowed
It
Click
Diamonds Are
When Marilyn sang that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, she wasn’t talking about the precious stone.
She was actually talking about Diamonds. Capital D.
The Diamond Brothers, Sven and Olaf.
Oh, sure, you saw Marilyn in the paper with Joe DiMaggio and Arthur Miller, and then there were the rumors about those damned Kennedys, but that was nothing compared to things Marilyn did the Diamonds.
What? Were they a threesome?
No.
They did housework for her. Some heavy lifting, killing nasty spiders.
Very dependable, but lousy at reading prescription labels.
They quietly went home to Sweden after the funeral.