Max opened up a paint store, but the signmaker got the order wrong, so the sign said MAX’S PANTS.
Everything said MAX’S PANTS on it: bank account, business license, and all that other stuff.
He tried to paint an I in between the A and the N on everything, but people kept coming into his store asking for the cuffs on a pair of trousers to be altered.
Max got fed up with the mistake, and began to paint the pants that people brought in.
And they loved it!
Galleries… art museums… all trying to get his pants into them!
Tag: work
Pills
I used to be afraid all the time.
The pills help with the fear.
Sometimes.
They cost a lot. And I need them to work.
But the insurance I have through work won’t pay for them.
So, I get pills and things that they will pay for, like birth control pills. or gum and patches that help smokers, and I sell them.
The money pays for the pills I need, and I don’t feel afraid all the time.
So I can work. To get the things I need to sell to get the pills.
I should just go on disability.
Sitcom Dreams
For a while, it seemed like every stand-up comedian got their own sitcom.
Then, they all got talk shows, and celebrities were so worn out running from show to show, they had no time or energy to do all the stuff that made them celebrities in the first place.
The guests dried up, the audiences dried up, and finally the advertisers dried up.
The comedians lost their talk shows and tried to get sitcoms, but the sitcoms were all replaced with reality shows.
So, they started their own comedy clubs, and the young comedians flowed in… with their sitcom dreams.
Fail
Every time I watch baseball games, I like to see the look of joy on the faces of kids who catch foul balls.
Or some adult catches the ball, but they hand it to a kid.
A foul ball. A ball hit out of play.
A failure.
And yet, a kid out in the stand gets so such joy out of it.
That’s way, way different from you laughing at my latest fuckup at work, kid.
That’s a mistake.
Me, I don’t laugh at others mistakes.
I learn from them.
Like, who to fire next.
Pack up your shit and go.
Red socks
Everybody at the office wears red socks on Thursday.
It’s not policy, and nobody tells anybody to do it.
We just do it.
I have no idea how it started, but every Thursday, everybody at the office wears red socks.
So, when Jake showed up with green socks, everybody was freaked out.
“What are you doing, Jake?”
“Where are your red socks?”
“Those socks are green!”
Jake pointed to the calendar…
It’s not Thursday.
It’s Wednesday.
We dragged him into the bathroom and beat the crap out of him anyway.
Not because of the socks. Because Jake’s been embezzling funds.
Work
A lot of young people dream of working their way to the top, but I know a guy who dreams of working his way to the bottom.
He starts as the CEO, then the board demotes him to VP, and he’s shuffled around a bit until he’s running a foreign office.
That doesn’t last long. He’s brought back to take care of a Marketing workgroup until they boot him to the mailroom.
It’s there he languishes until, right on the verge of retirement, he dies of a heart attack.
That’s when he wakes up screaming.
He’ll fire the mailroom staff.
Factory Floor
Julio the janitor got hurt on the factory floor. It was the third injury since the new intelligent automation systems had been installed.
The union rep said that it was too dangerous for humans and robots to work in the same space.
The management reviewed the tapes, and it was obvious that Julio had been injured while trying to sabotage an automatic cleaning system.
“We agree,” said the management. And they fired all the workers, except for robot maintenance.
The union picketed the factory.
Robot maintenance assembled some robotic picketers to picket the picket lines.
The robots never stopped working.
The Architect
The architect was known for designing absurdly tall buildings, but he was secretly afraid of heights.
Ribbon-cutting ceremonies for his completed designs were always held in the lobby, but he would find a reason to duck out before the trip to the observation deck or sky lobby took place.
“It’s past my bedtime,” he’d say.
His final design was so tall, critics joked that you could throw someone from the roof and be tried and convicted for murder before the victim hit the ground.
The architect was horrified, and threw out his Tinkertoys.
His mother grounded him for a week.
Sing to the fish
Sally runs an aquaculture business.
She loves to feed the fish. And she loves to sing to the fish while she feeds them.
The food floats on the surface of the pond, and the fish rush to the surface to feed.
She tosses them food until they don’t rush to the surface anymore.
Then she knows they’ve eaten enough.
She doesn’t expect the fish to say “Thank you” or to compliment the chef.
All she wants the fish to do is eat, and be happy.
Oh, and not flop out of the crates on the way to the processing plant.
Mouse
I needed a mouse for my docking station at work, so the computer guys presented me with a fancy wireless mouse with a lot of buttons.
I had to change the battery every few days, and I was always messing up my work because of a wild function button press.
I went to Amazon and bought a simple two-button mouse with a wheel and a cord.
The computer guys made fun of my insisting on such a simple and crude pointing device.
“You can’t do anything with that mouse,” they said.
So, I strangled each of them with the cord.