Closing Windows

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Welcome to 2007. It’s so easy to send an instant message halfway across the world, right?
Open a window, type what you feel like saying, and close the window.
Sometimes, it’s a little too easy. You type faster than you can think, and that’s when the trouble begins.
Over and over, I try to say I’m sorry, but the words never come.
Maybe if I open another window?
It just sits there.
It’s so easy, right?
Maybe not.
More messages come in, covering the blank window completely.
Perhaps I should just cut my losses now and go read a book?

Three Moons

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People are freaking out because there’s three moons in the sky.
The third one appeared an hour ago.
The second one appeared a few hours before the third one, but people didn’t realize it because the first moon had just set.
Folks don’t notice those kinds of things, you know.
It was when the third one appeared over the horizon, they noticed the second one up there.
And the original moon one is coming up now.
Or is it a fourth?
Everybody’s wondering about Who? What? Why? How?
Me, I’m just loading up with silver bullets.
Do you hear wolves?

Election Day

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Some people want to vote early, but I like the thrill of Election Day itself.
One by one, we approach the booth, make our choices, and step out into the hall.
That’s where the clown smacks us in the face with a pie.
This year, it’s strawberry pies, but in the past it’s been cherry pies, apple pies, cream pies, and pumpkin pies.
I like pumpkin pie the best, so I always vote for pumpkin pie.
Sure, it’s messy, but it’s my favorite and it’s our civic duty to vote.
All those people, voting absentee, getting their pies delivered.
Pathetic!

Mother Is Listening

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Keep your voice down – Mother is listening.
She only listens because she cares, but sometimes I think she cares too much.
I caught her asking someone on the phone if she could put something in me to track me and record everything I say.
And think. Because ever since I learned that she’s been listening, I don’t say all that much.
I’m just saying what I’m saying now so she’ll hear it and know that I know she’s listening to me.
Maybe I should listen to what she says and tap into what she thinks.
So, what do you think?

Weight Loss

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Yeah, I’ve lost weight.
My doctor says I’ve lost too much, but what does he know?
Five weeks ago, I was in the Kroger when the lights flickered… just for a second.
And in that second, all the meat came back to life.
All the animals, screaming out loud. Chickens, cows, pigs, and…
I swear I thought it was people in the store screaming. But…
I was alone.
Humans were in the food?
So, yeah, I don’t eat much now.
I just drink water… and lots of whiskey.
My doctor says I drink too much, but what does he know?

The Disease

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Sometimes they say they’re with a church, other times they’re a representative from a support group.
They say they know how you feel. They lost someone to cancer, just like you’re losing someone to it.
Things move fast, you’re in too deep, and the next thing you know, you’re sitting in a diner, staring at the photographs. Or a movie clip on an iPod.
Pay up, or everyone sees them.
It’s a cruel setup, a vicious honeypot scam.
“If she sees these,” you say, “it’ll kill her.”
They don’t care. They just want the money.
And insurance doesn’t cover it.

Social Networking

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In the past year, I’ve signed up for all sorts of social networking sites.
I started with Myspace, then moved to Facebook, and over to Twitter and Jaiku and Utterz and Tumbler and so on and so forth.
Whenever I update one site, I feel obligated to update all the rest.
It’s not always automatic, so copy paste copy paste for hours a day.
What I don’t understand is with all this social networking, sitting in front of my computer every waking hour networking with other people, when do I have the time to go out and actually be social?

Dragonhunters

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A team of dragonhunters came to town the other day.
They’d heard that we held a lottery every year to choose a human sacrifice for the dragon that lives in the forest.
Truth is, we do it to figure out who gets stuck giving the dragon his annual scrubdown.
If you think the dragon stinks, you should smell the soap we use. Only a wizard can understand how the two produce “clean dragon” instead of “deadly, toxic stench.”
We’ll let the dragon finish these clowns off.
I just hope I don’t get stuck washing their corpses out of his scales.

Judge

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The judge’s instructions started off simple, but after three hours the jury was utterly confused.
Some of the things the judge asked for them to do weren’t just illegal but downright impossible.
The foreman stood up and tried to interrupt the judge, but the judge didn’t pay him any heed and kept rambling on, getting weirder by the minute.
The foreman looked to the bailiff. The bailiff, having heard this for the better part of a decade, just shrugged and went back to staring blankly.
The stump of his left wrist was a constant, painful reminder not to get involved.

Fail

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Doctor Odd watched the mice scurry around the maze, trying to find the source of the scent of cheese.
Unlike other mazes, there was no “center” or “goal” to this one. It was just a series of loops.
And as for the cheese, well, he had smeared the walls and floors of the maze with a cloth containing a cheese scent an hour before.
The mice kept going in circles, and Doctor Odd waited for one to just give up.
Sure enough, the mice were poking their noses through the mesh on top of the maze.
They’d learned to fail.