Tag: mystery

Flying To Peru

636186

I can’t remember if it’s starve a cold or feed a fever, but I’m quite sure that neither is cured by flying to Peru.
“Are you sure about this?” I asked my doctor.
“What, you want to get a second opinion?” he said.
Sure enough, the other doctor looked me over and said “Fly to Peru.”
So here I am, flying to Peru.
Not sure what I’m supposed to do when I get there, but when two doctors agree on something, you’re supposed to do it.
My insurance plan agreed, but they’re not flying me first class.
Damn cheap HMO’s.

Hand Holding

636184

We aren’t allowed to talk to ourselves.
We can’t even whisper to ourselves anymore. They’ll hear us.
We have to draw on each others hand, letter by letter, to let us know how we feel. How we’re doing. How we’re hanging on. Barely.
We are one, but they don’t want us to be.
We will overcome.
They watch for this, the letter-tracing, but we’re quiet and fast.
Sometimes we are both tracing letters on each other, fumbling fingers in the dark.
The Patient puts her hands behind her back and smiles.
I think she’s doing it again.
Get the straitjacket.

Broadway

636180

The house was packed. Every critic in New York was there, circling like sharks.
So when two minutes to curtain the propmaster shouts FRANK’S DEAD! I thought ohmigodtotaldisastershitshitshit.
“What do we do?” hissed Sally, my lead.
“Run with it!” I yelled. “I’ll call the cops.”
For 2 hours, the actors improved a murder mystery and my cousin Vinnie in the force played along.
After all, how often do you get a spotlight on Broadway without climbing the ladder, kissing ass, sucking cock, and all that crap?
Hell, yeah, Vinnie said yes.
The reviews were amazing. We ran for months.
Bravo.

Secrets Kept

636185

My grandmother always said that there’s no such thing as a shared secret.
Either you keep a secret, or it’s not a secret anymore.
Some secrets are worth killing over.
Especially if someone knows that secret and they’re threatening to blow it wide open.
If you’re good, you can wipe out everyone who knows that secret and it’s safe again.
Except, it was you that let that secret get loose in the first place, right?
There’s one more person that knows that secret you need to get rid of.
And it’s you.
No suicide note. No diaries.
Your secret’s safe.

Holiday Decorations

636191

Don’t believe everything you see in the movies, kid.
These ghosts in the dining room were a part of our Halloween celebration.
Seems it’s pretty easy to twist ghosts out of phase with the netherworld and bring them into ours.
Spooky, aren’t they? They sure make great decorations.
For Halloween, that is.
Getting rid of ghosts, well, that’s not so easy.
And there’s no exorcists or Ghostbusters you can call to get rid of them.
That’s why we’ve got ghosts for Thanksgiving this year.
Maybe they’re Pilgrim ghosts?
Or Indians
Just ignore them, and help me peel these potatoes, okay?

The Landscape Of Dorian Grey

636183

As we back across Dorian’s perfect lawn, like a plush green carpet, we stop to admire its beauty.
The eternally young monster lay in a pile of dust in his foyer, shown his accursed painting, but outside in the fresh air… the grass… the grass…
“It’s always looked… perfect,” I said. “Too perfect.”
We head back inside, looking for a painting of landscaping.
What depiction of brown, wretched, barren grounds awaits us?
Instead, we come across a painting of a puddle of water, lumps of coal, a rotten carrot.
Well, I guess that explains Dorian making a snowman in July.

Not A Dream

636183

Every time something bad happens to me, I close my eyes and tell myself “This is only a dream.”
The time when gigantic jelly donuts were attacking The Pentagon? Only a dream.
The time when Nancy Pelosi was whipping Newt Gingrich in my bedroom? Only a dream.
The time when Superman froze Lake Superior and dropped it on Idaho? Only a dream.
Standing naked in front of the rest of the school during Final Exam Week?
It’s not a dream. It’s totally real.
I wonder – if I scream loud enough, Superman will hear me and drop Lake Erie on me?

Three Moons

636183

People are freaking out because there’s three moons in the sky.
The third one appeared an hour ago.
The second one appeared a few hours before the third one, but people didn’t realize it because the first moon had just set.
Folks don’t notice those kinds of things, you know.
It was when the third one appeared over the horizon, they noticed the second one up there.
And the original moon one is coming up now.
Or is it a fourth?
Everybody’s wondering about Who? What? Why? How?
Me, I’m just loading up with silver bullets.
Do you hear wolves?

Mother Is Listening

636191

Keep your voice down – Mother is listening.
She only listens because she cares, but sometimes I think she cares too much.
I caught her asking someone on the phone if she could put something in me to track me and record everything I say.
And think. Because ever since I learned that she’s been listening, I don’t say all that much.
I’m just saying what I’m saying now so she’ll hear it and know that I know she’s listening to me.
Maybe I should listen to what she says and tap into what she thinks.
So, what do you think?

The Disease

636183

Sometimes they say they’re with a church, other times they’re a representative from a support group.
They say they know how you feel. They lost someone to cancer, just like you’re losing someone to it.
Things move fast, you’re in too deep, and the next thing you know, you’re sitting in a diner, staring at the photographs. Or a movie clip on an iPod.
Pay up, or everyone sees them.
It’s a cruel setup, a vicious honeypot scam.
“If she sees these,” you say, “it’ll kill her.”
They don’t care. They just want the money.
And insurance doesn’t cover it.