Tag: science fiction

Observer Twelve

705308

Observer Twelve kept his seven eyestalks glued to the monitors flicking through signals from Earth, taking notes as interesting things came up.
Four buildings full of Observers were dedicated to keeping tabs on this information-rich corner of the galaxy, a constant source of amusement and concern.
One day, the endless chaos of entertainment, news, sports and sex polarized into panic and desperation.
Then, nothing.
All signals ceased.
Some Observers were reassigned to other units, but most were laid off. Earth had been a rare gold mine of signals.
Ex-Observer Twelve spat and cursed the “Iranians” for ruining a well-paying gig.

Robots kill robots

808722

“Robots kill robots,” chanted the robots as they marched, rolled, tumbled, and hopped into the arena.
The crowd roared, thirsty for blood.
In the last three seasons, they got it. Robots had to consist of 50% organic components by weight.
And not just “dead” weight, either. No useless blood like earlier models used. Critical functions had to be wired through the meat and gristle, forcing the engineers to take risks and make difficult choices.
One engineer went so far as to sacrifice his own brain for his creation.
He’s over there, on fire.
Should have used a monkey, poor soul.

Leroy

582418

Leroy had a habit of shouting when he was angry. Glass-shattering loud.
Okay, so it’s not as much a habit as a reaction to stuff that angered him, but he yelled so loud, I swear you could hear it a mile away.
We took measurements, compared notes, and triangulated with satellite maps on Google. The distance you could hear Leroy shout was determined to be one Leroy.
If you were two Leroys away, you’d be twice the distance from Leroy as you could hear him shout.
But he could still pick up a phone, call you, and shout that way.

Piggy Wings

575814

Smith smiled and put his research paper on the pile.
“So, you grew a flying pig,” said Zambosio. “Good work, Smith.”
Smith opened the paper and pointed to a chart. “Actually, it’s just growing wings on pigs.”
“So they can’t fly?” asked Zambosio.
“No,” said Smith.
“Still,” said Zambosio, “growing a pair of wings on a pig still takes a lot of effort.”
“Actually, it’s just one wing per pig,” said Smith.
Zambosio took off his glasses. “What good is just one wing on a pig?”
“They’re quite delicious,” said Smith.
“At least pigs are tamer than buffalo,” said Zambosio.

Elevator To Heaven

479579

People ask me the secret of the Elevator To Heaven.
The secret is that it is no secret. Actually, you’ve probably been in it.
How? Well, nearly every elevator is an Elevator To Heaven.
Look, just step in the elevator and wait for the doors to close.
Then, touch the 8 button.
Push it in hard and rotate it a quarter-turn.
Then release the button.
See? You’ve got an infinity symbol now.
Just wait a minute, and the doors will open to Heaven’s Lobby.
Just be sure to stub out your cigarette. God hates smoke.
That’s why He made Hell.

Struck Noon

566124

Every day at twelve, the clock struck Noon and the town went mad.
Fights and burnings – you name it. If there’s something wrong that a soul can do, when that clock strikes Noon it happens.
They tried to burn the clock tower down, but stone doesn’t burn. No door at its base, either, nor could they climb up it.
They tried ladders. As they reached the top, it was Noon, and they smashed the ladders to toothpicks.
Pits dug to undermine it or blast it up never got deep enough. Sledgehammers broke on the stone.
It’s almost Noon.
Listen closely.

The Pain Bank

500268

They called it a pain bank.
Just like blood banks store blood and sperm banks store sperm, pain banks store pain.
From pinpricks and itches through agonizing toothaches all the way up to the worst gut-wrenching, torture imaginable, they had every kind of pain in their massive iron vaults.
Suffering too much pain? Put in a deposit.
Feeling detached, or looking for a little masochistic rush? Head to an ATM. Make a withdrawal.
Feel something. Feel something really bad for a while.
Getting over the pain is the biggest rush, you know.
Just don’t fall behind on your interest payments.

Virus Scam

541960

After years and years of progressively malicious computer viruses and worms, the anti-virus program manufacturers finally managed to make deals with computer manufacturers, Internet service providers, and governments that installation of their software was not only necessary, but mandatory by law.
It was right around then that the activity of virus writers dropped off. What used to be a constant cat and mouse game of escalation between those trying to punch holes with exploits and those reinforcing them became a ceasefire.
Eventually, it became a formal partnership.
After all, without barbarians at the gates, who needs the gates? Or walls?

Where Math Is Feared

600301

Every year, children who question the importance of mathematics are taken on a field trip to the math-challenged Duchy of East Rosemarch.
The town square only has three sides. No two streets are the same width. The currency constantly changes value, causing economic chaos. Felons are let out of jail at random times.
Most kids realize the simple lesson of the Duchy, but there’s always a few dim bulbs that find the experience enticing and captivating.
They usually end up living in the Duchy when they get older, joining the society of math-phobic fools in perpetual numerical and geometric madness.

To Beam Up

708908

For twenty years. McTavish ran the transporter.
Officers beamed down. Officers beamed up.
Long ago, it took a medical degree to run the board. Now it just took a fool and a finger.
The radio crackled to life: ” to beam up! Emergency”
McTavish pushed a button. “How many was that?”
“Now! Now! Emergency!” shouted the radio.
Then, nothing.
McTavish checked the transporter log. Five had beamed down, so he set the board for 5 and pushed the button.
The transporter tracked the signal, counted four, divided by five, and exploded into a storm of blood, bone, gore, and metal.